American Idol: Everything Old Is New Again

The flower on the side of JLo’s head is so distracting, I fear for the ability of the Top 5 to maintain focus tonight.

Each does a song from the last few years and one from “back in the day.” Let’s define “back in the day.” Sheryl Crow? No, silly. That can’t be it. She speaks in even more clichés than Randy.

First up: James – Closer to the Edge by 30 Seconds to Mars. Oh dear. James sounds like Jon Bon Jovi in rehearsal. He’s kind of dressed like Jonny too. He sounds bad though, bumpy and off-key and a little ahead (or behind?) the music. This is the first time this kid has ever sounded off to me. Ouch. (For the record, the judges tell me I am crazy.)

Jacob. Jacob, Jacob, Jacob. Cardigan tonight. Can you win Jacob? Delusional Jacob. Singing No Air. Both parts of the duet. And suddenly it’s a Very Special Episode of Glee. Or Blossom. He is singing so high even I am clenching. I have no idea what just happened. This is horrendous. JLo and Steven are so busy stumbling over their words they clearly thought it was awful and just don’t want to say. STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO LUTHER.

Lauren Alaina will sing Flat On the Floor by Carrie Underwood. Jimmy clearly loves this kid. Sheryl too. Oh no!! Jimmy loves her but the wardrobe people HATE her. What is she wearing? A fringe tutu and jeggings? I know she’s from the South but holy moly. That said, she is KILLING this song. And her hair looks awesome. Like a Super Farrah.

Scotty will do … wait for it … Gone by Montgomery Gentry. He should sing with Sheryl always. Oh wait. He is singing like he always does. What happened Rehearsal Scotty? Ooo, there he is! On the chorus. I like that. What is this Montgomery Gentry they speak of? One guy or two? (I kid. It’s two. I think.) JLO is so excited she has sprouted a second flower.

Haley is going to do an unreleased Lady Gaga song. That’s going to go over well. You and I it’s called. 16 years old singing about whiskey kisses and sittin’ the corners of bars. Hmmm. But she gives it kind of a Janis thang, and it’s pretty good. I am amazed that Lady Gaga songs have actual lyrics. The judges are so lukewarm to this I am slightly surprised.

Round 2:

James will do Without You by Harry Nilsson. I LOVE THIS SONG! It hits so close to home for sweet baby James that he cries in the studio. He is quiet on stage, controlled, again channeling David Cook, just singing it plain and simple. He throws a little Adam Lambert in there at the end for some flash, and it is good. Not great, but good. Heartfelt, for sure, as he cries when it is done. Judges will swoon. JLo is so maternal right now she may actually be lactating. Ryan might hug him. Somebody needs a hug.

Jacob will sing Love Hurts. This is why I adore Jimmy Iovine. Because he knows if Jacob does one more Glee Does Broadway number I will punch a grandma, so he makes Jacob sing Nazareth. I know! OK, so he is singing it like the You Light Up My Life version of Love Hurts. Or a Bugs Bunny opera performance of Jesus Christ Superstar. I am predicting JLo swoons, Steven says it was beautiful, and Randy hates it. Judges? (Ok, that is Anthony Hopkins. Whut?) I got two out of three.

Lauren will do Unchained Melody. Sigh. She looks gorgeous, in a classic JLo goddess gown. Nice! I love her. Steven is creepy.

Scotty will do … wait for it … Always on My Mind by Elvis. I love Sheryl’s crush on him and I seriously want them to record a song together. Maybe Mrs. Robinson (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). This is the most I have ever liked Scotty. Ever. And ever will be, I can guaran-damn-tee you that.

Haley will wrap it up for us with The House of the Rising Sun by the Animals. Paging Siobhan Magnus! I will say this – I will never buy a record this girl makes, but she is singing the hell out of this song right now.

Bye Jacob. You are done.

American Idol: I'm Into Something Good. Or Not. You Decide.

Ah, Carole King. Tapestry. I remember those days. Bell-bottoms, braces and a crush on Spencer Burbank. I was in the fifth grade.

Carole King and Baby Face! Clash of the genres! Although I have to admit I was really hoping for some more will.i.am. I did love when Baby Face did that matador song with Madonna that time, though.

Solos and duets for the contestants. Randy in a varsity sweater and a car salesman’s tie. This night is crazy!

First up, Jacob. Did I mention he is going home this week? Jimmy: Soar and riff. Riff and soar. Riff till you're sore. Oh No Not My Baby. Never heard of it. Baby Face is making Sour Face. Rehearsal has not gone well. And for the performance Jacob is dressed like Urkel at the Spring Fling. We have seen some really gay things on Idol, but this is the bride on the top of that cake. And the dancing! The performance reeks of desperation from the inside out and I stick with my prediction: He’s done.

Lauren is next: Where You Lead. How is it possible I have not heard of this either? Perhaps I only ever listened to Tapestry? Baby Face: Duh. Duh! He just channeled will.i.am! MILEY CYRUS!!! Lauren is Trans.Formed. Between Baby Face’s duh and Miley’s yee-haw, we are set. She is gonna kill it. She looks adorable but her performance is awkward and stiff. She sounds great but is acting self-conscious. Pulling the kid from the crowd is just stupid. She sang it great but it was weird.

I love the top 6. The show just flies by. Oh wait. Duets. Yeah, that never works. I have two words for you: Gokey Allen.

Haley and Casey: I Feel the Earth Move. Hey! This is pretty good. They sound good together and half of Haley on a song is a win-win for me. Casey’s hair is alarmingly poufy. They are slightly Iraheta-Lambert-esque. Slightly. I liked that.

Scotty: You’ve Got A Friend. This is going to be so dull. The rehearsal was agony, for Jimmy and Baby Face and me. He is singing it so slow, like he’s trying to teach it to us. The judges are going to slobber all over this, watch. Call me Kreskin! The girls will text for him tonight their thumbs fall off, though.

James. Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow. No gimmicks. Very David Cook of him. Phantom of the Opera anyone? Except this is American Graffiti. This kid is fabulous. This is a brilliant strategic move (only I think about Idol in those terms) and this may be the moment when he has won it. (And I said that before Randy did.)

Scotty and Lauren duet. Up On the Roof. They too sound nice together. Better than the first duet, actually. This song was apparently made for a twang, even though it’s written about a roof in the city. Right now it’s about a barn roof.

Casey is doing Hi-De-Ho, which was written by King but made into a hit by Blood Sweat and Tears. I LOVE this song. LOVE it. This is a performance, with a character and a costume and a gimmick. He gives it his all, but it comes across as a little forced to me, like Lauren’s and Scotty’s and Jacob’s all did. Hmmm.

Haley will sing Beautiful. I love Baby Face. He’s smarter than will.i.am. What a great session she had with them. I respect her for choosing this song – it’s not an obvious choice and it’s not particularly easy to sing. It’s uber-Carole King. I like it, which of course surprises me, since I don’t really like her. Her performance is more relaxed and comfortable than everyone except for James. So she’s among the best of the night, I guess. Which of course surprises me.

Duet. James and Jacob. I’m Into Something Good. Herman’s Hermits. This is like something from a Farrelly brothers movie, but I mean that as a compliment.

So, best to worst: James, Haley, Lauren, Casey, Scotty, Jacob. But that’s just me.

American Idol: Beck-less

What kind of an Idol metaphor is it when Hall of Famer Jeff Beck bows out of Wednesday night’s show, allegedly because of a lack of rehearsal time, and he is seamlessly replaced by Black Eyed Peas frontman Will.i.am?

Rhetorical question, kids. Who cares? Based on their levels of energy and hilarity, Will.i.am and Jimmy Iovine must’ve been shotgunning Red Bulls and snorting whipped cream canisters in the men’s room, making the change so worth it.

Good heavens.

So Rock and Roll Hall of Fame night went with some obvious, some not so obvious, and some LOL. Before we review, can we pause to appreciate the lilting Lopez laugh? That giggle makes me understand why Ben Affleck sacrificed his career.

Jacob's opening number made the judges swoon, but my heart was cold. First off, Man in the Mirror belongs to Kris Allen. Hands off, bubba. Secondly, it was like the Monty Python Broadway version of the song, and I kept expecting Jacob – all in white for heaven’s sake – to turn into the Lady In The Lake. We need the Fish Slapping Song!

Haley – not my favorite – chose Janis Joplin. Finally! It’s not like Randy and Steven haven’t been hurling the J word at her since day 1. Piece of My Heart. She growled her way through it, leaving the Betty Boop sex kitten kitsch thankfully behind (although the leather leggings were quite something). I disliked her the least I ever have, and that’s the nicest thing I’m going to say.

Casey brought his stand up bass to the stage, and there was a guy with him playing the tiniest little stringed instrument – was it a lyre? It was like the Mutt and Jeff of instruments. He sang CCR’s Have You Ever Seen The Rain, and he remains redeemed. I think he has lost 40 pounds in four weeks.

Lauren did not look like a natural woman, she had too much make-up and too much hair, and tights and shorts (never a good look unless you are being dropped off at preschool), and I did not love her Natural Woman. But I love her. Except not looking like that.

James went with a neat touch, George Harrison’s My Guitar Gently Weeps, likely not an audience favorite, but it showed depth and musical appreciation and he Lambertized it quite nicely.

Scotty sang Elvis. That’s All Right, Mama. No, it ain’t.

Pia sang Ike and Tina’s River Deep Mountain High and I am officially bored with her. I loved Jen’s advice though: watch videos.

Stefano. Oh Stefano. You bring out the mush in me. He sang When A Man Loves A Woman, and he sang it so great, and will.i.am was hilarious in the studio. Hilarious. And foul-mouthed.

And then Paul sang Folsom Prison Blues to close the show, because he was in the bottom three last week, you know, unrightfully so, America, and Jimmy is so tanked on Red Bulls he is practically tearing his clothes off in the studio. And then Paul does exactly what they told him to do and just goes nuts on that stage, like Joaquin-on-Letterman-level nuts, and it is so awesome and I will be bummed if America is stupid and sends him home.

And then the most amazing thing ever happens. The show ends early. EARLY. And Ryan has to streeeeeetch it, and he chats with the judges and he dances with the contestants, including the bump with Jacob and the do-si-do with Lauren and, man, this is so awesome and Glee is probably so mad that it was not supposed to be on right after. And finally, we’re done.

My bottom two are Scotty and Jacob. I will be wrong.

American Idol: Hold Me Closer, Tiny Dancer

So last week was crazy. Like nuts. Like March Madness but with no balls. Like, I have never seen anything like that before, never mind on Idol, in like, life. Casey was out. He was done. He was toast. And then he started to sing for his life but Randy stopped him and Steven saved him and the judges used the save in the third week. There were 11 left. They used the save on Casey Abrams, who until last week was my boy, but two bad performances in a row and I had already broken up with him and was starting to make eyes at Stefano. Plus I read on the Internet that Courtney Love was singlehandedly responsible for that ouster, she was so mad about Casey’s version of Smells Like Teen Spirit. Like she and Frances Bean texted 30 million times for everyone else and that’s why Casey was going to be out.

Except they used the save, man. They used the save. And then Casey literally died on the stage, he fell right down and died, and Ryan did CPR but that didn’t work so Ryan reached his hand right into Steven’s chest and pulled out his heart – because it’s true, you know, that Steven is 63 but really he’s a cyborg – and Ryan put Steven’s healthy beating borg heart right into Casey’s chest and saved him. Rammed it right in there like Travolta did to Uma in Pulp Fiction. And he was saved.

So I don’t even know how we come back from all that except that we sing Elton John. And do a slo-mo montage of all that last week stuff – and I think America started a fourth war or something in between then and now, right? I don’t know, there’s been a lot going on – and talk about hope being renewed and No. More. Second. Chances. Whew.

Ryan is all calm and acting like nothing weird happened last week, that he didn’t do open heart surgery on stage – and they could show it because they had all that extra time because Casey never sang. In fact, Ryan goes straight for the negative and says two will go home Thursday. Save a life, kill a buzz, Ry.

Jimmy Iovine is so the Yoda of this show. What he says seems obvious and yet … deep.

First up is Scotty McCreery. He is going to sing Country Comfort because it has the word country in it and he does not want us to forget that he is a country singer. He sings this like he sings every other song, including a gratuitous shout out to his own granny in the audience and some down-home guitar playin’. I wish my pal Rick Koster was watching this. Yee-haw. The judges swoon.

Jennifer’s hair is the most magnificent it has been so far.

Naima is going to sing I’m Still Standing and will raggae-i-fy it. She says she chose it because she is still in the competition. Hilariously, Jimmy advises her to not make the song about her, but rather about the world. You know, like, Japan and stuff. Deep, I’m telling you. So it’s OK. I don’t love the arrangement. She is on key, though, and she has a decent fake Jamaican accent and she looks fantastic. Judges? Jennifer hated it but is nice. Randy also hated it. Steven is Steven.

Paul McDonald will sing Rocket Man. Jimmy says he’s going to have dig deep and step up and some other cliches. “How ya’ll doin’ this evening?” That’s actually starting to grow on me. He sounds awesome. He looks ridiculous. He reminds me of Kris Kristofferson circa A Star Is Born, kind of that exhausted John Norman vibe. FABulous. Judges?

Pia will sing … Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me. I think she should’ve gone with Crocodile Rock – remember when John Stevens did that oh those many years ago? Those were some good times. But Jimmy says Randy is an ass, so it must be true. Let’s listen. I do love this song. I sing it great in my car. She gets, not a choir exactly, but more like a platoon of backup singers. I actually don’t think this is as good as she usually is. Plus her eyes are closed a lot. I thought that was against the rules this year.

Stefano will calm his bowels from last week’s close shave and sing TINY DANCER!!! Yes!!!! I love this song so much. It is the perfect combination of cheese and emotion. He is doing a good job, and keeping his eyes open. He is cute. Nice touch at the end with Jenny from the Block.

Lauren Alaina will sing Candle in the Wind, except the Marilyn version, not the Diana version. She is lovely and controlled and has a real Carrie Underwood thing going on. Awesome. Spectacular. Bite that, haters.

James is up and I am letting the 10-year-old stay up because he is a fan. There better be some screaming, or this boy will be disappointed. Yes! Saturday Night’s All Right (For Fightin’)! Take that Pia! Hmmm. He sounds good, but with all the moving around here, it seems not as energetic as it should be. And then the piano explodes, and he hits that Lambertian note, and it’s all good. The 10-year-old is mightily pleased.

Thia Megia. Empty, emotionless, plastic Thia will sing Daniel. Jimmy basically says as much. She’s a Stepford Idol. Anything? Nope. Nothing. Boring, in fact.

Next up, Casey! With his borg heart and his bleeding ulcer and his shaking hands. Jimmy needs to turn into Loretta from Moonstruck, cook him a rare steak and slap his face. Hard. And Jimmy kind of does just that. I am growing fond of old Yoda. He will sing Your Song, and he has shaved. Well, not really. Combed the food out though. This is Casey’s apology America, and it’s a sweetly sincere one. Apology 2011 (Ruben Studdard reference.)

Jacob is next (and the show has been great but it is starting to feel like we’ve been here for about 2 days) … Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word. The Mary J. Blige version. Jimmy is worried about overdramatization. The smoke on stage will make sure that doesn’t happen. Plus, Jacob is starting off kind of like RuPaul playing Nathan Lane in A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Elton John Show in Key West. Overdramatization? Nah.

Haley Reinhart is closing the show? Really? How short is the skirt? Bennie and Jets. Betty Boop and the Jets, maybe. Starts out like the Fabulous Baker Boys. Jeepers. Turns into the moves of Edie Brickell and the guttural sounds of Phoebe Buffay when she had a cold. I don’t like this girl. The judges disagree.

Overall, I would say this night redeemed itself from last week’s debacle. Bottom? My bottom is Naima and Thia. I have no idea who America will put there.

American Idol: Oh, Stefano

We open the show with the judges and Ry letting us know that we can take a break from our reality TV to help out the real world – donate to the Red Cross Japan relief efforts by downloading tonight’s performances and text your donations tomorrow during the results show. So it’s like Idol Gives Back Lite. If they did that every week, by the time the new Idol is crowned all the world’s ills would be cured.

Jen’s hair is like mad crazy tonight, like a Bride of Frankenstein Down Do. If I were Steven Tyler, I would not be able to keep my hands off it.

Yes! Songs from the year they were born! My favorite Idol theme week!

Naima, 1984
What’s Love Got To Do With It, Tina Turner.
OK, so now we know – she can’t move and sing at the same time. Stand still and get on key, girl. I am rapidly losing patience with this girl, who is even more rapidly going from interesting and cool to mediocre. And this arrangement is painful. Judges? Steven, whut? Jen, ouch! “Consistently pitchy.” OUCH! Randy: “A mess.” OW! Two of three judges come out punching!

Paul McDonald, 1984
I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues, Elton John
His parents are amazingly normal.
STOP TALKING TO US. Oo, dear. That was a squeak. He sounds like one of the Chipmunks. Dude needs some Vicks VapoRub and chamomile tea. Judges? Jen: I love you so much that I am not going to say that you sounded like crap. Randy: Name drops and babbles. Steven: “Cool dude in a loose mood.” You know what? I like that.

Thia, 1995
Colors of the Wind, Vanessa Williams
Her mom is sweet and can sing! Yes! A Disney movie song! So early in the competition. I have great hopes for this season. So far this kid has been bizarrely emotionless but in her interview package she shows a little hint of personality. She looks stunning and sings perfectly but … there’s nothing there. Empty. Judges? Randy: Ballad = boring. Dude, I agree. Steven: Do you like that song? Jen: (Seriously, how long does that hair take?) Vibrato! Not just that, but vibrato that she does not want to think about! Ouch, squared.

Kate Hudson!

James Durbin, 1989
I’ll Be There For You, Bon Jovi
They’ve formed a band, an AI band! James, Casey, Paul and Stefano. So they’ve left out Jacob and Scotty. Yeah, no cliques here. Jimmy Iovine’s best advice yet: wash your hands.
OK, this is my all time favorite Bon Jovi song. I actually cry when Ritchie and Jon sing it to each other in the most fabulous heterosexual way you’ve ever seen live on stage. This is a train wreck. The arrangement is awful. The back up singers are worse. And he is terrible. Terrible. Judges? Steven: Don’t get too poppy. (And I’ll sing with you in the finale.) Jen: I be acting a fool. Randy: Pitchy. True dat. Made it his own. Hmm.

Haley Reinhart, 1990
I’m Your Baby Tonight, Whitney Houston
Oh my God, her mom had the greatest 1990s hair EVER.
She’s singing Whitney, the week after doing Leanne Rimes. Hell to the no, I say. The sex kitten is in uber-heat. She looks gorgeous but I cannot stand this act. At this point it’s like watching Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks. Judges? Jen: Lots of “baby” tonight. Oh no! The Paula Abdul Memorial You Look Beautiful Backhanded Compliment. Randy is interrupted by Ryan wiping all the excess lipstick off her mug, and then says Who are you (and rightfully so)? Steven: Go back to what your good at. LOL.

Stefano Langone, 1989
If You Don’t Know Me By Now, Simply Red
Born with Tony Bennett’s hair. Cool.
So my least-favorite boy is the first one I like tonight? Oh, Idol, you and your cruel games. Cheesy, yes, but excellent cheese. Plus he’s wearing an awesome jacket. LOL, Jen be acting the fool again. Where’s Mark Anthony? Judges? Randy: Name drops. Best! Yes! Randy and I have lost our minds together! Steven: Great. Jen: She would totally Mrs. Robinson him.

Pia Toscano, 1988
Where Do Broken Hearts Go, Whitney Houston
This is an inordinate amount of Whitney tonight. Dated clothes. Dated performance. Hmm. Kind of Thia-level boring. Judges? They will praise her, I can tell by the way they are swaying in their seats. Let’s see. Steven: Praise. Jen: Up tempo! Randy: In it to win it, yo.

Scotty McCreery, 1993
Can I Trust You With My Heart, Travis Tritt
Elvis fetish as a boy. And now he’s gone and given Randy a chance to mention that he has produced Travis Tritt. Oh Randy. You are no Jimmy Iovine. He does what he does quite well. Bring on Disco Week. Judges? Jen: Good. Randy: Name drops. Shocker! Steven: Good.

Karen Rodriguez, 1989
Love Will Lead You Back, Taylor Dane
Oh dear. What is that outfit? What is that hair? She looks like Beyonce in Austin Powers. I cannot get past this look. Except to note that she is nothing great. Judges? Randy: Better but … Steven: Blip. Jen: If you can’t sing, don’t try.

Casey Abrams, 1991
Smells Like Teen Spirit, Nirvana
Take risks? Those plaid shorts in Jimmy’s living room are pretty risky. If this works I will be so happy. Hmmm. Less Kurt Cobain and more late-in-life Jim Morrison, but OK. I’m going with it. Judges? Steven: You’re ME! Jen: I did not get that. Randy: Props to me, name drops, and then … love you!

Lauren Alaina, 1994
I’m The Only One, Melissa Etheridge
She’s so ill she’s wearing a mask. I wish she had chosen Come To My Window. It’s a better Idol song. I love Jimmy Iovine and his string of meaningless clichés. He’s like the Ronald Reagan of the music world. Oh dear. Lauren, you might meet the bottom three tomorrow night, hon. Judges? Jen: Whut? Randy: Whut??? Steven: Whut?????

Jacob Lusk, 1987
Alone, Heart
His mom is a scream. Did he say, “Lusky stank?” And we have Alone: The Broadway Musical As Performed By Meatloaf. Nope, wait, we’re OK. We are in the meat of it and … oh, back to Broadway. I swear he just turned into Jennifer Hudson for a second there. Judges? Randy: Caressed? Ew. Steven: Mmm hmmm. Jen: Still, the hair, 2 hours later.

American Idol: Top 13

Top 13. Pick a song by their personal idol. Jimmy Iovine and his posse will mold them. Work with them. Make them snort water out of their noses.

Lauren Alaina. Shania. Any Man of Mine.
She is wearing 2 different outfits. I hate this song. Not sure why this girl is remaking herself from rocker chick to Carrie Underwood but it ain’t working for me. Judges? Steven: not thrilled. He’s right, though. It was … lackadaisical. Jen? Really? She’s not loving it either. Oh my. Randy? He unfortunately mentions Shania cheating ex-husband and criticizes Lauren.

Casey Abrams. Joe Cocker. Get By With A Little Help From My Friends.
Sitting on the Adam Lambert Memorial Staircase. I love this kid. Oh, and the ALM Choir as well! Nice! Best of the night, I’m saying it right now. Judges? Jen: (God that hair.) Randy? Gfhroghtkdhf. Steven? Unicorns, princesses and butterflies.

Ashthon Jones. Diana Ross. When You Tell Me That You Love Me.
Oh dear. It might have gone well in the studio, but it is not starting out so well here. And here is where it matters. Jimmy brought Barry Gordy, and … I hope he isn’t crying. Meh. Judges? Randy and Steven agree but I have no idea what they actually think. Jen? She thought it was obscure and shaky. I think.

Paul McDonald. Ryan Adams. Come Pick Me Up.
Don Was!!!! (Did he just call him a big baller? Whut?) How great that Mr. Quirky picks Ryan With An “R”, not Idol favorite Bryan With A “B”. Dude, stop talking to the crowd. Oh. That’s awful. Why is he whispering? What is he, Joey Heatherton? Who was that annoying girl from a few years ago who always danced like she had to go potty? He reminds me of her. I hated her. I don’t love this, and I am rapidly losing whatever it was I liked about him. Judges? Steven: That sucked. Jen: It was so boring I started watching the audience. Randy: Gfjfkgothfnk name drop name drop name drop. (And Ryan is funny. For real.)

Pia Toscano. Surprise! Celine Dion. All By Myself.
Blech, squared. This makes me think more of the Eric Carmen version from my adolescence than the Celine dreck. Oops. Spoke too soon. There’s that Celine-like yelp/howl. Pia is beautiful, though. Can’t wait till the week when she will sing Somewhere Over The Rainbow. Judges? Jen: Speechless. Randy: Season 10! Yes! I’m still here! Suck that Simon! Oh wait, sorry. Steven: Happy International Women’s Day?

James Durbin. Paul McCartney. Maybe I’m Amazed
Love this song, love this choice. Somehow he has Scotty McCreery’s ears. And no tail! He is making me wish that Adam had sung this during his season. But he’s doing a good job. Not a lot of lyrics here, but he’s milking it. More controlled than I expected. I like it. Judges? Randy: name drops. Loves it. Steven: Loves it. Jen: Loves it.

Haley Reinhart. Leann Rimes. Blue
Her producers are the Tabitha and Napoleon of song. Cool. Please no sex kitten. Please. Steven is thinking dirty thoughts. She looks great and she sings it great. This is the first time I have liked her. Judges? Steven: loves. Jen? Loves. Randy: boring (I agree with Randy on that. It did seem like it lasted forever.)

Jacob Lusk. R. Kelly. I Believe I Can Fly.
Oversinging. Overdoing. Not good. Choir. Good heavens. This is like a scene from a Christopher Guest movie. Judges? Never mind. They are wrong.

Thia Megia. Michael Jackson. Smile.
Charlie Chapman. LOL. This girl is 2 years older than my daughter. She boggles my mind. It sounds good but its kind of boring along the lines of Whatshername’s Blue a little bit ago. Slow. Judges? Randy: Name drops. Didn’t love it. Steven: Didn’t love it either. Doesn’t name drop. Jen: Didn’t love the second half either.

Stefano Langone. Stevie Wonder. Lately.
Did he just say “anging”? Peaked last week. Nuff said.

Karen Rodriguez. Selena.
I have no idea what the name of this song is. I do wish I had a Selena Barbie though. Awesome Cher-like outfit. The low notes are too low for her … this girl is just OK, not great. Pia would floss her teeth with her. Judges? Nah. Let’s move on.

Scotty McCreery. Garth Brooks. The River
Don Was again! Name dropping! Oh my God, Scotty was cute as a toddler. This is not my taste but he does a fine job with it. Judges? Love it.

Naima. Rhianna. Umbrella.
The producer is named Tricky! And he produced it! But she’s going to make it her own! This outfit is a hot mess but in sort of a good way. I don’t think she is singing as well as she usually does – and I am a fan of this girl – I think she sounds like she’s trying to be Rhianna. And this Rasta thing happens and then … I don’t know what. Thunder? Not good. Judges? Steven: Pitchy but whatever. Jen: Pitchy but so what? Randy: Pitchy matters.

Who will go home? Ashthon? Naima? America didn’t put them in the top 13 last week – the judges did. I don’t think they won any friends with this.

The Amazing Race: Quitters Never, Ever, Ever Win

So we go 5,000 miles from Australia to Japan, and there is the option of a direct flight and the option of one that stops in Hong Kong but arrives 15 minutes earlier. Now, if this was 1968, I'd say, hell, yeah, take the connection. But it's 2011, kids, and when in this day and age does any airplane, anywhere on the planet, ever arrive or leave on time?

And yet, 5 of the teams are dumb enough to opt for the connection. The 15 minutes earlier turns into 90 minutes late, and it's huge for some of the back-in-the-pack teams, like Ron and Christina (Daddy Dearests), who go from last to fourth/third.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, and making reference to the Great Fanny Pack Caper before I've even gotten to the Great Mirror Mashup.

One in Tokyo, the first five teams are the Kentuckys, the Globetrotters, Daddy Dearests, CowBros and the Sistahs. For the Roadblock, one person has to don traditional clothes, make traditional poses, and shoot a traditional arrow from atop a traditional wooden horse. There is so much tradition throughout this episode that I keep waiting for Phil to come out dressed as Tevye the Milkman.

This gig is much harder than it looks, and it takes some teams forever to complete. Meanwhile, the second flight finally arrives, and then while trying to drive out of Tokyo, one of the Poms sideswipes another car and wouldn't you know it, the guy they hit must be gay because he won't just let them get away with it, and insists on calling the Tokyo Po Po. Tick tock ladies.

After the arrow shooting, the Detour options are prayer ritual - which involves freezing cold waterfall water - or frog ritual - which involves freezing cold mud. The Globetrotters and Daddy Dearest take the waterfall and that is when Flight Time accidentally snags the others' fanny pack. But instead of bringing it back to them, they simply leave it in the locker room.

Everyone else goes for the frogs, which involves wearing sheets and having mud hurled at you. It's akin to the needle/haystack thing that Bertram loves so much, and Mike and Mel become the Lena and Kristy of this season, eventually quitting because they could not find the frog and they could not stop shaking. I should point out two things:
1. Lena and Kristy never quit in season 6, and Phil had to go out into the hay field and tell them to stop and 2. Mel did not want to stop, it was Mike who quit. He claimed "it was for dad," but that is bull. Mike is a weenie. Mel is a ninja. A 70-year-old ninja.

So Zev and Justin are first again, and the Globetrotters got bumped from third to fourth because the Daddy Dearests complained (love Phil as Judge and Jury!). The Poms stayed in by the skin of their teeth, and Mike and Mel live to hug another day, just not in the Race. All in all a satisfying episode. Next week, more teams lose their minds.