American Idol: Our Top 24

Well, that was quite a two weeks in Hollywood.

The group sing week was about as dramatic as a viewer could hope for, and I lost some real favorites, including Rob Bolin (he of Chelsea and Rob, the “exes”), and Emily Anne Reed and that Caleb kid. Ashley Sullivan positioned herself as Most Likely To Actually Commit Suicide On The Idol Stage, and Clint the Junebug became one of America’s Most Hated. Fabulous.

This week we brought the top 50 or so to Vegas, to Cirque de Soleil’s Beatles stage, to sing The Beatles in duets or trios. There’s a Rodney Dangerfield joke in there somewhere. Some of it is great, some of it is hideous, and best of all, we get to see Jimmy Iovine and his entourage, which is everything I had dreamed it could be.

There are more brutal cuts here, and we are down to, well, I’m not sure exactly because no matter what Ryan says it always looks like there are 100 people in the “holding room.” Then everyone gets one more chance to solo for the judges, in an airplane hanger (are we still in Vegas?), and we don’t see much of that, and then it’s cut time to get to 24.

We are back to 12 boys and 12 girls. I hate that.

So Chris Medina takes a fall, and in what might be the most embarassingly self-obsessed moment in history (well, since Marie Antoinette, anyway), JLo turns his rejection into something about her, and sobs so hard her eyelashes might fall off. I need to learn that celebrity tissue-dabbing technique. It really is something.

So Randy and Steven take a few moments to tell her how well she crushed that poor kid’s dream, but she is inconsolable and they need to take a break. Meanwhile, Chris heads back to wherever he’s from to continue singing in crappy bars and taking care of his semi-vegetative fiance. Really, JLo? Really? This is just gross.

But she is able to soldier on, eyelashes intact, and they deliver happy news and sad news and happy news and sad news, spread over two nights and four hours, and I lose some more favorites and disagree with some of these decisions, and in the end, we have this:

Boys

• Clint Ju Gamboa, AKA Junebug, the karoake master who slayed Jaycee on group night.
• Paul McDonald, who I never saw until The Beatles night, who has sort of a Kenny Loggins quirky vibe and an interesting voice. He won’t last.
• Robbie Rosen, 16, he might go far.
• Tim Halperin, no idea.
• Scotty McCreery, 16 with the deep country voice. Buh-bye.
• Jovany Barreto, can’t stand this guy – he is everything I dislike about modern Top 40 music.
• Jordan Dorsey, the really nice piano teacher with the really nice voice and the really nice vibe.
• Stefano Langone, he is just like Jovany.
• Jacob Lusk, oversinger extraordinaire – ugh.
• James Durbin, Lambert 2.0 with great back story (autism, Tourette’s, poor)
• Casey Abrams, my new favorite and the one I shall make my first bold prediction with: he will win.
• Brett Loewenstern: 16. I would not have kept him. I would’ve taken that Colton kid instead. But they wanted to keep the Glee vibe going.

Girls

• Naimi Adedapo, gorgeous, can sing, great backstory.
• Haley Reinhart, over sings – expendable blonde.
• Ashton Jones, gorgeous, can sing.
• Karen Rodriguez, one of many brunettes.
Tatynisa Wilson, eh.
• Julie Zorilla, the very over-rated Colombian.
• Lauren Turner, no idea.
• Rachel Zevita, the girl representative of quirky. We’ll see.
• Kendra Chantelle, expendable blonde.
• Lauren Alaina: 16 (15 when she started), a rocker; might be headed for Dr. Drew early.
• Pia Toscano: she is good friends Karen Rodriguez; beautiful, can sing.
Thia Megia: 15-year-old. I’m not sure why this kid bugs me but she does. I would’ve picked the girl who was turning 25. Far more interesting personality. Plus she has tried out 7 times, if she won, what a story that would be …

So here we go America. Time to start voting next week. Boys are on Tuesday, girls on Wednesday, results on Thursday. So much Idol, so much time.

The Amazing Race: Unfinished Business: Flag on the Play

Here's the thing about second chances: They often come with lots of conditions. Like ... I"ll take you back, but ... Or, here's your license, but ... Or, We'll give you the money to rebuild the house, but ...

Which is why all the crap that Phil tacked onto the start of this season of Amazing Race last night was so awesome. Because those 11 returning teams - folks who had blown a chance to win somehow in a past season - thought they were just going to run another race. But oh no ...

First, who's back (and I disagree with some of these choices and am thrilled by others): Jet and Cord, (the CowBros); Margie and Luke (the Signers); Amanda and Chris (dating); Flight Time and Big Easy (the Globetrotters); Mel and Mike (father and son); Kent and Vyxxsin (Goths); Gary and Mallory (the Kentuckys); Keisha and Jen (the Sistahs); Zev and Justin (BFFs); Ron and Christina (father and daughter); Jaimie and Kara (the PomPoms).

So they are gathered on a wind farm - a cold wind farm based on what everyone looks like - and Phil is all, hey welcome back and by the way ...
1. First team to finish this leg gets the Express Pass, which was introduced last season and which gives the team a bye whenever they want it;
2. Phil has the clues and you have to know that Qantas flies to Australia to get it (anyone who's seen Rain Man knows this, people);
3. Last team to get the clue from Phil gets an automatic U-Turn.

Oh! Those are some fine fine-print conditions.

A shocking number of people don't know that Queensland is in Australia or that Qantas flies there. Eight teams led by Mel and Mike get on the first plane and have a 90-minute lead. Amanda and Chris get the U-Turn, which is what tripped them up the last time they were in the Race.

But then, someone onboard the first flight has a heart attack and the plane is diverted to Hawaii and this is hilarious because some poor schmo is freaking dying on this aircraft and all these 16 people can do is think, "Oh no! We aren't first!" Finally, Big Easy steps up and says the most important thing is the guy isn't dead, but you can tell he doesn't mean it.

So Plane 2 becomes Plane 1, and Amanda and Chris, the Sistahs, and Gary and Mallory are now in the lead. They take a train and then a ferry into downtown Sydney and then they go to an aquarium and into the shark tank to get a compass. This is cool and even though you know that Bertram van Munster wouldn't let anyone actually get eaten, it is terrifying.

From there they must do a word puzzle with nautical flags and sail an awesome boat with awesome Aussie sailors and that looks so fun, one of those beautiful Race moments, and holy smokes, Gary and Mallory are first! But we've been down that road before.

It's not a pit stop, says Phil, wearing Crocodile Dundee's hat and looking cuter than the Aussie lifeguard who is shirtless next to him. Here's your next clue. The CowBros are struggling in last place, inexplicably not finishing the puzzle every single time and ... see you next week!

American Idol: Hurray for Hollywood!

Ryan tells us that we are all on an epic journey, and I believe him because Ryan Seacrest would never overstate anything. Like, when he says that this year's talent pool is the best ever, well, I know they forced him to say that.

There are twice as many kids in Hollywood this year, more than 300, but JLo's skin and Steven Tyler's hair are up to the challenge. In the first round, everyone sings a capella and the judges are supposed to give no feedback, but Steven cannot help himself, and he hoots and hollers and bangs his glass like he's at the best wedding reception ever.

They come out 10 at a time, sing, and then ... sudden death. See? Ryan is just telling it like it is.

Up first is Florida's version of Carrot Top, except I should'nt call him that because Brett Loewenstern has been picked on his whole life. So I apologize. He sings Let It Be and he's good.

Then it's Rachel Zevita, Thia Megia, Casey Abrams (he's the bearded, fuzzy guy) and they are all through. Victoria Huggins, that little perky thing form the South, is out.

Paris Tassin is the one who had the baby, James Durbin is the one with Tourette's, Lauren Alaina is the one who is the girl version of Steven Tyler and Stormi Henley is the Miss USA. The first three are in, Stormi is out. Thank goodness.

Chris Medina is that round faced guy whose girlfriend was in that terrible accident. He is in.

Jacee Badeaux, that chubby 15-year-old from Louisiana, continues to sing like an angel. Robbie Rosen is another one who went through some trauma or another, and Hollie Cavanaugh was the crier. They are in. Steve Beghun, the giant accountant, is out. This is good, since his Idol journey would've undoubtedly been very awkward.

Rob Bolin and Chelsea Oaks, the ex-couple, are both still in and Rob is one of my early favorites. I love this kid's voice and I love his sense of irony. His ex-girlfriend, not so much.

Nick Fink and Jacqueline Dunford are the prom king and queen, except he's out and she's in. He looks like he wants to smother her in her sleep with a pillow.

Scotty "Ears" McCreery remains in with that ridiculous country voice, Jackie Wilson, Jerome Bell, Tiffany Rios (she had the stars on her boobs in NJ); they are all in. Homeless kid Travis Orlando is sent back to skid row.

June Bug is in, Colombian Julie Zarilla, the Gutierrez brothers, that White House intern from Harvard, and EMILY ANNE REED.

Next week, group sing. It's like Christmas!!!

American Idol: Back to the Land of Lambert

So Idol goes back to San Francisco, where they found Adam Lambert, except that was when Kara DioGuardio and Paula were, you know, relevant to the process. The first one now lives in Maine and makes blueberry hotcakes for a living and the second one recently had a season finale of a show that no one noticed.

But no matter. It's season 10, and let's all breath a sigh of relief that Sir Nigel convinced Fox that after this number of years, we the audience simply cannot take two-hour cattle call shows anymore. It's just too much of the same old same old.

But even this hour is almost unbearable. I mean, it opens with a girl who may or may not have farted during her audition, includes a flock of birds crapping all over the contestants, and an insane Ukrainian named Inessa who claimed she was 22 but was quite likely 11. And she had a mail order husband. Or he had a mail order wife. Or they met each other at the shipping dock.

Then we meet Brittany Mazur, from Tucson, and she sings Mercy. Fine. Cara Johnston. Fine. Matthew Nuss, with his bad Keith Urban hair, fine. Stefano Longone, almost died in a car crash, fine. Clint "Junebug" Jun Gamboa, whose day job is working the karaoke machine in a bar - if you can even imagine a job worse than working the counter at a 7-11 that would be it - and he has Mr. Magoo glasses and is fine.

I don't care about any of them.

Then Kenneth Berba is bad, in ears, and Weston Lee Smith is so bad he actually apologizes to the judges, and Drew Beaumier arrives in a homemade Transformer costume. Awesome, but can't sing.

Then there's a batch of good girls, none of whom I even notice, and then Julie Zorilla from Colombia, who is gorgeous. But I don' think she sings as well as they think she sings, and she certainly doesn't sing Summertime as well as Fantasia did. Randy is an idiot.

Dave Combs has long hair and is bad; Rick Deschamp wears a fedora and is bad, David Johnston has long hair and is bad, Sabrina Corbett is dressed like a cop.

And then, like this nutty show does, Emily Anne Reed arrives on the scene and thank you! Thank you Emily Anne! She has this crazy voice, kind of like Norah Jones but not really. She is quirky and awesome and adorable and slovenly enough so that JLo does not feel threatened. LOVE HER!

And then we get Lambert 2.0, in the form of James Durbin, who has Tourette's and Asperger's and a little baby and no job and a father who OD when he was 9. Oh, and he can sing.

American Idol: Did They Find The 'One' In Nashville?

In the long and storied history of American Idol, has a judge's (or judges') early favorite ever won? As a self-professed (and slightly pathetic) expert, I can definitively say, "no." It has never happened. In fact, 99 percent of the time, the judges have ultimately been quite surprised by the Idol America eventually picks.

So while we can all agree that 15-year-old Lauren Alaina from Rossville, Ga., has big hair and a big voice and a sweetly big personality, we can also agree that not only is this sucker far from over, but it is grossly premature for Steven Tyler or anyone else to be declaring a winner.

So there.

But let's not pull a Memento and start at the end. Let's rewind to the beginning of the hour in Nashville.

First up is Darius Thomas from Birmingham, Ala., and he is awful. But here's my new favorite thing: When Steven Tyler blinks, pauses, blinks, pauses, and then says with those magnificent lips, "Wow." Love it.

We are not just in Nashville tonight - we are not just in the Grand Old Opry - we are in the Ryman Auditorium, which is like the Graceland of the Grand Old Opry (and for the record, I've been there and it's kind of dumpy and smells a little like a wet dog).

Ryan in the voice over is throwing around the C word like crazy - Carrie Underwood. Except of course she came from Oklahoma. Ryan does not sweat the details.

We start with Christine McCaffrey from West Palm Beach. She is like a Disney Princess, if there were one that cleaned teeth. She scares the judges right away (I love the camaraderie that is forming on the judges panel - JLo braces herself against the two men). Alarmingly she sings through her nose and also through her insanity. She's a no.

Then come Rob Bolin and Chelsea Oaks and they are like the Hodgins and Angela of Idol. They fell in love, sang together, she realized he was a dweeb and dumped him, has led him on ever since, and here they are. JLo wants to reunite them, they sing together and it is lovely, they sing solo and it is lovely, and since Idol cannot resist potential drama, they are both through to Hollywood. Oh dear.

Allen Lewis from Franklin Furnace, Ohio is all tatted up and bandanna-ed and he sings Skynrd's Simple Man in a most horrific and heartfelt way. Cliches literally pour out of this man's mouth but he clearly believes each one and so good for him. Hollywood? Not so much.

Stormi Henley (with an "i" for God's sake, she swears it is on her birth certificate) was Miss Teen USA and has pictures to prove it. She is wearing a sundress and cowboy boots, which only she and actresses from Friday Night Lights can pull off, and she sings OK. Randy and Steven put her through. JLo hilariously calls her voice "small," (pot meet kettle) and oh, God, whatever. She doesn't sing worse than Lee Dewyze.

Adrienne Beasley is a black woman from Kentucky who was adopted by adorable white people, and so had somewhat of a hard time growing up on the farm. She sings beautifully and will go to Hollywood.

Kameela Merricks is 28, which makes her old, and sings horribly, which makes her bad.

Speaking of bad, there's Polina Kozhikov, Patrick Counts and LaToya "Youngique" Moore. This is called "killing time."

Jackie Wilson is also 28, which also makes her old, but she can sing. Her boyfriend is 83 and Ryan almost drops to the floor when they kiss, as he thought boyfriend was "dad."

Questionable approvals tonight are named Paul McDonald (he sang Maggie like wet spaghetti) and Jimmie Allen (I can't even remember what he sang). Better was orange-picker Danny Pate, who led the group in a singalong to Poppa Was A Rolling Stone. On playback, the judges sang more than he did.

Matt Dillard is 27 (old) and his parents have had 700 foster children, many with special needs. He is wearing a wife beater under his overalls, and one of those greasy hats like Bret Michaels wears. Plus, horrendous facial hair. He sings just like Josh Groban, which is kind of weird considering. The judges, torn, put him through.

And then Lauren Alaina closes us out, and Steven is all, "she's the ONE" except you know and I know that she isn't, because once America gets its hands on this competition, all bets are off.

Next week, Austin. They are crazy in Texas, baby.

American Idol: What is this Milwaukee?

So the show opens and I am instantly annoyed because they have reminded me that Danny Gokey came from Milwaukee. It took me two years to wipe that guy out of my memory banks and bam! here he is again. Plus, he's been working out.

But I shake it off. It's Idol baby, and Steven Tyler is funny!! J. Lo continues to glow. Randy is ... Randy.

They are doing the judges' part at the Museum of Art, which is beautiful and somehow positioned next to the Pacific Ocean. I'm not sure how that happened. Remember that first season when Randy, Paula and Simon heard Kelly Clarkson sing at the Holiday Inn? Those were some good times.

So first up is Scotty "Ears" McCreery, from Garner, N.C., and he is 16 but sings like he's 50 and owns a bar in west Texas. He is going to Hollywood. He will not win.

Joe Repka is 19, goes to the University of Toledo, and I know he can't sing because Ryan is being nice and feigning an interest in him. He is, in fact, bad. But he has a good sense of humor.

Emma Henry is a 15-year-old from Littleton, Colo., and she's one of those funky 9th graders who has 3 different colors in her hair and wears Chuck Taylors and super skinny jeans. She sings True Colors and she has a cool rasp but Randy tortures her. No worries - it's Hollywood.

Then it's time for a montage of bad, Kody and Juanita and Kamil and Kanisha and more Lady Gaga than is good for the nation in these troubled times. It is offset of course by Naima Adedapo, a gorgeous mother of two who cries at the drop of a hat. It is hard for me to relate to all this emotion, as I have never wanted something like stardom that badly. Or even to sing. Maybe just write a blog that a few folks enjoy. That's all I ask.

She sings Donny Hathaway and is fabulous and way cool. I hope she does well.

Jerome Bell is adorable, from New York City and he sings Marvin Gaye. He usually sings at bar mitzvahs, he says, but probably not Marvin. Maybe though. He sings great and JLo is all praising him and Randy hilariously jumps in with "and all the isms" even though she hadn't said a single ism, and then Steven comes back with "and none of the wisms," whatever that means but he's quick. All those drugs and the dude is still quick. Jerome goes to Hollywood.

Now starts the parade of 15-year-olds, led off by Thia Megia, who sings Mumble Mumble by Mumble. She has a nice voice, they love her and they love others in her age bracket. Hollywood is going to be crawling with chaperones, and if this keeps up there will be wall-to-wall tutors once we get to the Big Stage.

They spend an eternity on poor Nathaniel Jones, who is a Civil War re-enacter (did they have the Civil War in Wisconsin?) and by the way can't sing. But we knew that. And they knew that. This is old-school mean Idol. He sings The Lion Sleeps Tonight exactly the way I do at karaoke when we've been doing shots of Cuervo.

Mason Wilkinson, poor thing, is Hall of Fame-level bad, but not in a funny way so he can be the next William Hung or the Pants on the Ground dude. More like robs an ATM in a couple of years-bad.

Molly DeWolf Swenson has 3 names, went to Harvard, is an intern at the White House and yet is stupid enough to say the words "Monica Lewinsky." Oh, and Randy punched her in the face that morning ... by accident. And she has super model legs. Hate her. She sings Otis Redding, which all the white Harvard girls sing (does Radcliffe even still exist?) and the judges swoon. She might be my Brooke White. Not sure yet. She closes out Day 1.

Day 2, and Randy is bizarrely wearing a sweater with a giant E on it, and JLo has a musical note on her blouse. Oh dear. Haley Reinhart is making her second try after losing out in Chicago last year (Lee DeWyze, anyone remember him?). She sings Oh Darlin', and it's all bluesy and down low and she could totally be the dirty girl this season which puts her on Dr. Drew in ... carry the 2 ... 2017. Randy pretends to remember her and it's off to Hollywood.

Tiwan Strong sings great, looks great and has the most awesome extended family including a tiny aunt with a cramp in her calf. Fabulous. Ryan nearly pees his pants.

Steve Beghun is a giant accountant who has no friends and cannot open doors. He looks like Will Ferrell's big not-funny brother. But he can sing. As Steven Tyler says, he was "disturbingly great." Exactly.

There's more bad, and then there's mean bad, and then funny bad, and then mean again ... blah, blah, blah.

Scott Dangerfield could be the Clay Aiken of 2011, in that he does not look like he will sing great and then he does. Of course, Clay turned out to be the Austin Scarlett of American Idol, so fingers crossed for Scott.

Alyson Jados of Chicago is totally the Allison Iraheta of this go-round, I love this girl and I hope she doesn't turn out to be like that one who started out a rocker and ended up just a screamer, with the streak in her hair. Can't think of her name ... so many of them end up breaking my heart.

Speaking of breaking hearts, just as I was thinking that we made it through two hours with no sob stories, here comes Chris Medina, a sweet-faced pudge who wears his fiance's ring around his neck. Why, we ask? Because two years ago she was in a terrible car accident, two months before the wedding, and she had a brain injury and she is a wheelchair-bound shell of her former self. "What kind of man would I be if I left her when she needed me most?" he asks. And then he sings that great song my kids love, about the best part of me was always you, and of course I am crying because damn this show and it's Gokeyisms. Just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in. Cut that boy's hair and put him in a better shirt and just call him the winner now.

Thursday night, Nashville. Whew.

American Idol: Does Anyone Speak Creole?

Night 2 of Season 10 and we are in New Orleans, where we were in Season 4 (Bo Bice anyone?) when Ryan was young and thin and still ... human.

Speaking of human, I think Jennifer Lopez is not. I think she is from that planet that the show V is about, and that she is the alien charged with blinding the human race with her glowing dewy skin and ridiculous thick hair and outrageously long legs. While we are staring at all that (and I bet she smells really good too, you can always just tell) the rest of her species is bombing the crap out of the White House and annihilating Manhattan. Just a theory.

Anyway, the show is mercifully just an hour tonight, so we race through the Big Easy cliches and get right to Jordan Dorsey, music teacher.

The emphasis in the first two shows is definitely on the good singers, and if they happen to have an awesome sob story attached, well, as Jeff Buckley would say, Hallelujah. Jordan is a good singer who teaches piano to adorable tykes, and he sings Over the Rainbow perfectly and he is so going to Hollywood.

Then comes Sarah Sellers from Texas, she of the red dress and hot booties and librarian glasses and Steven Tyler lips. She knocks them out with subtlety. Bravo. Like her.

Jovany is Cuban, and a shipbuilder, and Snookie might call him gorilla juice. He is bursting out of his dress shirt. He will be the first one sacrificed to JLo's aliens. They like him and then the worst thing ever in the history of American Idol - and yes, that includes Kevin Covais - happens: Randy Jackson shows us his belly. Thank goodness the children were already in bed.

Speaking of Randy, young Jacqueline arrives with his high school yearbook, in which he looks like Linc from Mod Squad, and her uncle was his football coach and there's a reunion. She sings, I'll Stand By You, and they put her through. She won't last though. She's pretty in a Katherine McPhee way.

Then comes Brett, and I swear if I were a cynic I'd think Idol combed the south looking for this boy, he is Glee's Kurt come to AI, all Carrot Top hair and bad skin. He's the most outcast of all the outcasts, he's only 16, and if I did not know they had taped this long before Chris Colfer's Golden Globes speech last Sunday, I'd accuse them of plagiarism. But guess what? He can really truly sing. Oh, and guess who he sings? Freddie Mercury. Yeah, I'm sure that was his idea.

Gabriel has won Steven Tyler lookalike contests but to me he is Spencer from iCarly. He sings Bad Romance. Just like Spencer would've.

And then Jacee comes in, and I swear this has turned into a Very Special Blossom, because he's pudgy and round faced and 15-but-looks-12. And the judges tease him a little. Oh yeah? He's got some Otis Redding for them. Oh, and he sings like an angel. From heaven. Hello Hollywood.

Speaking of after school specials, our last contestant, Paris, is a lovely 23 year old single mother who went ahead with her pregnancy at 18 even though the doctors told her the baby had a birth defect. Mom can sing, little girl is adorable, JLo weeps (but I think the tears are a signal for the aliens to load up the ships) and we're done. 37 hopefuls added to Wednesday night's 54, and next week - I am not making this up - Milwaukee.