So we are Hoff-less to open Dancing with the Stars last night, and we are apparently still shocked by it, and will remain so throughout the evening. Brooke Burke will anyway. She always makes me wonder if double-sided tape hurts like a Band-Aid when it comes off.
It's Jive and Quick Step night, two physically demanding and tricky dances that always flummox the celebs. It's only week 2, for heaven's sake. How about a nice rumba instead?
But nope, here's Rick "Lurch" Fox and Cheryl and they are jiving their brains out and it is actually quite good. He creeps me out with his tallness and that deep voice, but I liked it. Judges: 7, 7, 7.
Then it's Mrs. Brady and Corky Ballas and don't you picture Corky thinking he's Mike Brady? That guy makes the craziest faces. Florence is mad that she's 76 and wants everyone to stop talking about it but Carrie Ann is all, Oh, I don't think so you old bat. Her legs are killer for 76 (sorry Flo) and she messes up the quick step a little in the middle and may need CPR backstage, and I think Cindy Brady is in the audience and there's Niecy Nash! and the judges go 7, 6, 6.
Brandy and Maks are doing the jive and we have to sit through the fake tension that the producers insist on creating with all Maks' partners and then they dance in these fabulous outfits (Maks' pants are perhaps the greatest pants in the history of the show) and I enjoy it but the judges go 7, 7, 7. Really?
Chelsie and Michael Bolton have the jive and he is wearing a surgical mask at rehearsal because he is sick and very crabby. He cannot believe he scored so low last week because he is MICHAEL BOLTON. Dude, you are lucky the Hoff was so bad or you'd be home right now. So they are not having fun in rehearsal, mostly because Mr. Bolton is an ass. But then ...
He really does crawl out of a dog house on stage to open the dance and I can't decide which is worse: him doing that or the jacket he is wearing. Poor Chelsie. First Jake and now this. It really was horrendous. The judges go 4, 5, 3 (Bruno!!!) Ouch. I'm guessing Michael Bolton is firing his agent today.
Audrina and Tony do the quick step and Tony is wearing a duct tape suit. The judges go 8, 8, 7.
Jennifer Grey and Derek have the jive and last week she rubbed our face in our beloved Patrick Swayze's death and tonight ... she had CANCER. Last year during her pre-DWTS check up they found a tumor on her spine and she had surgery and plates and there are scars. COME ON. The jive is actually good, and the judges go 8, 8, 8.
We hear words of wisdom from Sarah Palin on the sidelines.
Margaret Cho and Dr. Louis van Amstel are next and they are all serious this week and not trying to mock the process anymore with their jive and Louis works his magic and helps Margaret to have a tearful epiphany. And Niecy is in the audience going, Oh yes, sister, let it happen, it feels gooood when you let it all out to Louis, and somewhere on a treadmill somewhere Kelly Osbourne is saying the same thing. They get 6s.
Kyle Massey and Lacey have a quickstep which is good - not as good as last week's cha cha - and the judges go: 8, 7, 7
Anna and Kurt do the jive and tonight he is wearing brown pants and I see nothing that the judges see. 7, 7, 7.
Karina and The Situation have a quick step and in perhaps the greatest television humiliation since the Nixon-Kennedy debate, Carrie Ann tells poor Sit that he is pigeon-toed. Which we already knew, Carrie Ann. Did you have to say it out loud? The judges go 6, 6, 6.
Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas close the show and they lose valuable rehearsal time flying to Alaska to sightsee and the visit the Mom. No sight of Dad anywhere. She is described as a teen activist, which I guess is either funny or sad, depending on your point of view. For their quick step they get 7, 8 (Len!), 7. She is growing on me, this girl. She seems genuine.
Who's going home? Michael Bolton of course. Woof.
Showing posts with label Dancing with the Stars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dancing with the Stars. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Dancing with the Stars: And suddenly, I love Kyle Massey
You just never know what's going to happen on Dancing with the Stars. Jerry Springer becomes an American folk hero. Drew Lachey grows taller. Niecy Nash becomes my favorite strong black woman. It's like you mix the celebrities and the pros and the bad wedding singers and the cheesy band and the lunatic judges and the Bedazzler and the spray tans and the bemused bemusement of Tom Bergeron and bam! Next thing you know, I'm in love with Kyle Massey.
Oh not in that way, you sillies. The chubby star of various Disney channel tween shows isn't my type. I think I may actually be old enough to be his grandma. Or his great aunt. But the way he and Lacey Schwimmer (blonde!) clicked, the way they hit that dance floor and set it on fire, the way they ate those judges and that cha cha for lunch; now that I loved. Kyle and Lacey are my new Louis and Niecy. I can only hope that at some point, they share deep dark secrets with each other, hold each other and cry.
But I'm getting ahead of myself with last night's premiere of season 18,687 of Dancing with the Stars. Because Kyle and Lacey were third. First we had to sit through Audrina Partridge and Kurt Warner.
Audrina, teamed with Tony Dovolani. She's from one of those really fake MTV reality shows in California, which means she is taller and thinner that Snookie, but not much else. The Invisible British Announcer Guy pronounces her name like the way the GPS talks when your kids make you set it on British for a while and everyone laughs. When she and Tony start dancing, she looks and acts just like a blow up doll. Which is good for Tony because his last partner, Kate Gosselin, looked and acted like a cardboard cutout. Judges go 6-7-6.
Kurt Warner, a quarterback, is teamed with super icky Anna. They will do the Viennese waltz. He is wearing a brown suit, and of one thing is true it's this: Nothing good every happens to you in a brown suit. Len is correct. The judges go 7-5-7.
Then come Kyle and Lacey and they are cha chaing to that awesome song First Kiss and I am not even going to be petty and point out that Anya and Kent did exactly the same thing on So You Think You Can Dance this summer. Nope. Not going to mention that. Carrie and I are both in love. It is fabulous. Judges go 8-7-8.
Rick Fox and Cheryl Burke do the Viennese waltz and Len says it was so good that he did not even notice that Rick Fox is tall. Like, Lurch tall. Well, I sure as hell noticed. Dude is tall. And has a giant cranium and whatever. Judges 8-7-7.
Margaret Cho has my beloved Louis van Amstel and they will waltz. And of course Dr. Louis van Amstel is in the house and Margaret begins confessing all kinds of issues to him. They go for funny in the dance but Margaret isn't that kind of comedian, she's not like Niecy was last season and she can't pull it off and the judges call them on it They will be out. I love you Louis. 5-5-5
Brandy the former pop singer has Maks and they waltz and even Maks' butt in those pants is not enough to keep me from forwarding through this. Brandy will be this season's Pussycat Doll, and you know how that made me feel. "Very little" dance experience. Shut up girl. 7-8-8
Poor Bristol Palin has Mark Ballas as a part, which is good because that guy works hard. He also doesn't know he's on TV when he tells her to go "balls out." Apparently the editors didn't know they were on TV either, since they left it in. Or maybe it means something else. Anyway, Bristol and Mark dance to Mama Told Me Not To Come, which they should've saved for Levi does this show in 2020 and Carrie's right, Bristol has great legs but I actually feel sorry for her. Something's got to pay the rent, though, right? 6-6-6
Florence Henderson will perk me right up though, and doesn't she look terrific with her spindly little legs and her big wide eyes. She is like the grandma at the wedding reception who had two too many and is making all the cute cousins dance with her. She and Corky Ballas do the cha cha and the judges give them 6-6-6.
Michael Bolton has the magnificent Chelsie Hightower for his partner and during their waltz he actually brings Kate Gosselin to mind again. She looked relaxed compared to him. He is horrendous. 6-5-5.
The Situation has Karina and I'm guessing that even in the only five days they had to rehearse that he at least tried to hit that. He looks hilarious in his black socks, black shoes and shorts and Len puts him in his place but good. The Situation has a sense of humor at least. 5-5-5
Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough crassly recreate some of Dirty Dancing's magic, and Jennifer feels cheap enough about it at one point to actually cry. I'm not sure why they kept showing Jamie Lee Curtis during and after the performance - other than the two possibly sharing some Activa, I don't think they are connected - but the judges fall for it and give their waltz 8-8-8. I actually would've liked this performance if they had not trampled all over Patrick Swayze's memory to score points.
And the Hoff and Kym Johnson do the cha cha and all I can think is ew. Gross. Ick. Blech. Yak. 5-5-5. That is just wrong.
But Margaret Cho will go home, which makes me sad because I love Louis. But she does not have the fan base within this show's demographics to survive that score. What did you think?
Oh not in that way, you sillies. The chubby star of various Disney channel tween shows isn't my type. I think I may actually be old enough to be his grandma. Or his great aunt. But the way he and Lacey Schwimmer (blonde!) clicked, the way they hit that dance floor and set it on fire, the way they ate those judges and that cha cha for lunch; now that I loved. Kyle and Lacey are my new Louis and Niecy. I can only hope that at some point, they share deep dark secrets with each other, hold each other and cry.
But I'm getting ahead of myself with last night's premiere of season 18,687 of Dancing with the Stars. Because Kyle and Lacey were third. First we had to sit through Audrina Partridge and Kurt Warner.
Audrina, teamed with Tony Dovolani. She's from one of those really fake MTV reality shows in California, which means she is taller and thinner that Snookie, but not much else. The Invisible British Announcer Guy pronounces her name like the way the GPS talks when your kids make you set it on British for a while and everyone laughs. When she and Tony start dancing, she looks and acts just like a blow up doll. Which is good for Tony because his last partner, Kate Gosselin, looked and acted like a cardboard cutout. Judges go 6-7-6.
Kurt Warner, a quarterback, is teamed with super icky Anna. They will do the Viennese waltz. He is wearing a brown suit, and of one thing is true it's this: Nothing good every happens to you in a brown suit. Len is correct. The judges go 7-5-7.
Then come Kyle and Lacey and they are cha chaing to that awesome song First Kiss and I am not even going to be petty and point out that Anya and Kent did exactly the same thing on So You Think You Can Dance this summer. Nope. Not going to mention that. Carrie and I are both in love. It is fabulous. Judges go 8-7-8.
Rick Fox and Cheryl Burke do the Viennese waltz and Len says it was so good that he did not even notice that Rick Fox is tall. Like, Lurch tall. Well, I sure as hell noticed. Dude is tall. And has a giant cranium and whatever. Judges 8-7-7.
Margaret Cho has my beloved Louis van Amstel and they will waltz. And of course Dr. Louis van Amstel is in the house and Margaret begins confessing all kinds of issues to him. They go for funny in the dance but Margaret isn't that kind of comedian, she's not like Niecy was last season and she can't pull it off and the judges call them on it They will be out. I love you Louis. 5-5-5
Brandy the former pop singer has Maks and they waltz and even Maks' butt in those pants is not enough to keep me from forwarding through this. Brandy will be this season's Pussycat Doll, and you know how that made me feel. "Very little" dance experience. Shut up girl. 7-8-8
Poor Bristol Palin has Mark Ballas as a part, which is good because that guy works hard. He also doesn't know he's on TV when he tells her to go "balls out." Apparently the editors didn't know they were on TV either, since they left it in. Or maybe it means something else. Anyway, Bristol and Mark dance to Mama Told Me Not To Come, which they should've saved for Levi does this show in 2020 and Carrie's right, Bristol has great legs but I actually feel sorry for her. Something's got to pay the rent, though, right? 6-6-6
Florence Henderson will perk me right up though, and doesn't she look terrific with her spindly little legs and her big wide eyes. She is like the grandma at the wedding reception who had two too many and is making all the cute cousins dance with her. She and Corky Ballas do the cha cha and the judges give them 6-6-6.
Michael Bolton has the magnificent Chelsie Hightower for his partner and during their waltz he actually brings Kate Gosselin to mind again. She looked relaxed compared to him. He is horrendous. 6-5-5.
The Situation has Karina and I'm guessing that even in the only five days they had to rehearse that he at least tried to hit that. He looks hilarious in his black socks, black shoes and shorts and Len puts him in his place but good. The Situation has a sense of humor at least. 5-5-5
Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough crassly recreate some of Dirty Dancing's magic, and Jennifer feels cheap enough about it at one point to actually cry. I'm not sure why they kept showing Jamie Lee Curtis during and after the performance - other than the two possibly sharing some Activa, I don't think they are connected - but the judges fall for it and give their waltz 8-8-8. I actually would've liked this performance if they had not trampled all over Patrick Swayze's memory to score points.
And the Hoff and Kym Johnson do the cha cha and all I can think is ew. Gross. Ick. Blech. Yak. 5-5-5. That is just wrong.
But Margaret Cho will go home, which makes me sad because I love Louis. But she does not have the fan base within this show's demographics to survive that score. What did you think?
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