Project Runway: Well, that was kind of a buzz kill

As Tim Gunn would say: Oh my.

Last night on part 1 of the finale of Project Runway, the designers were sent off with six weeks (what happened to three months?) and $9,000 to make 10 looks (is it just me or by the end of the PR season are you totally sick of the word "looks"?).

Four weeks in, Tim Gunn booked his airfare and hit the road.

First up, Andy in Hawaii. And it was no spa life for our Laotian immigrant Warrior Woman designer, kids. His family owns a catfish farm. He worked his butt off as a child. Seeing Tim Gunn and waders and squealing at the sight of baby catfish was certainly a treat.

So Tim is super-duper Dr. Gunn on all these visits and is so busy grilling people about their psyches etc. that he barely has time to critique the clothes.

Andy's collection has a Laotian theme and he just got the fabrics delivered and he is running way behind. Oh no!

Then we head to Palm Springs to see Michael C., who in true Michael C. mode has pumped out 2,467 dresses. His boyfriend is there. Wait, Michael C. is gay? And we've been keeping that a secret because ...

So it turns out there was all this drama in Michael's life, he was so deeply in the closet that he got married and fathered a son and the his boyfriend outed him three years ago and his parents have not supported him ever and would you like more lasagna Tim?

Now we go to Denver with Tim to visit Mondo, in his tiny house with pink walls. Perhaps it's because there is all this attention on anti-gay bullying right now, but I find Mondo's home visit very touching, as he and his parents talk about what an outcast he was as a child. They forced him to play baseball so he could take the piano lessons he wanted. Poor sweet Mondo. He is the example, kids, of why you need to hang on through all the bad stuff, because if you can get to the other side, you can make your dream come true.

And now to Portland, Ore., to see Gretchen. Speaking of bad news, Gretchen returned home to find her partner (gender never specified) had left her and taken all her money. Ouch. On the other hand, I totally get it. So Gretchen is even more of a mess than usual. And even skinnier.

So off to New York, big suite, choose two looks, make a third look, everybody wants to either wow or be wowed.

Runway show: Mondo's is fabulous of course although I don't love the turquoise top. Michael's is effortlessly chic as usual and I hate the furry skirt. Andy's is interesting in that the warrior is not there, but really? A bikini? And Gretchen's is her usual hippie mess, which I hate.

Michael and Nina are brutal. BRUUUUTAL. It's actually painful to watch. Evil Heidi has been replaced by Nice Heidi. I'm not sure what's going on here.

So of course it's Mondo, and then it's Andy and then it's Gretchen, and Michael C. suffers a breakdown on TV like we haven't seen since Kate Gosselin was on Dancing with the Stars. It's really hard for anyone to be happy about the final three since the fourth is curled up in the fetal position heaving sobs. Tim does his best, but really, it's very disconcerting.

Next week, Lincoln Center. Which is not nearly as fun to say as Bryant Park. And Mondo will win.

Project Runway: A New York State of Mind

Oh dear. We are nearing the end. And frankly, designers, if you think you're tired, well, just take a look at us. We are EXHAUSTED. And don't even get me started about Tim Gunn. The man can barely keep it together anymore.

But does Heidi give us the presidential suite at the Mandarin Oriental? Does she give it to Tim? No, she wastes it on these whiny, thankless crybabies. Oh, no, wait. That was last season. This season the Top 5 spend the evening in the suite talking about what a growing experience Project Runway has been for them. Well, except for Gretchen. She's there because she deserves it. As for Michael C. and Andy and Mondo and April, it has been a journey.

So it's all Mayor Bloomberg (trying to outdapper Tim; FAIL) and how great New York is and oh by the way this year Fashion Week is at Lincoln Center. Which will matter to three of you. So New York is your inspiration - which, for the record, we've done this challenge before - and in a city of 9 million people and 10 million iconic landmarks, two of the five choose the Brooklyn Bridge. Really?

It is actually completely hilarious because Michael C. looks at the Statue of Liberty and thinks: "Wait a minute. Wait. A. Minute. I know! I'm going to make a drapey dress!" And Mondo and April both go to the Brooklyn Bridge and stare at wires. And Andy goes to Central Park and makes a big deal about all the trees and stuff and then (well, we 'll get to that in a minute) and Gretchen, poor, tired, insane, out-of-gas Gretchen, goes to the Lower East Side and stares at bricks.

They have 2 hours to think and sketch. They have 45 minutes to shop and $500 to spend. This is like record-breaking stuff here. Back in the workroom, Tim suffers an adverb breakdown in his admonishments. Now that's tired.

When creative people get tired they get silly. So these guys get silly. Michael C. does an impression of Michael Kors that is so spot on it replaces Santino's Tim impression in the PR Hall of Fame Moments. Then Tim comes back for his critique, and Gretchen cracks her psyche open a little more, and Tim absolutely does not want to hug her, tries to get away with the elbow squeeze, and then realizes that in order to keep this wretched girl from hurling herself off the Brooklyn Bridge, he is going to have to provide the full embrace. And so he does.

Design, design, sew, sew, insult Michael C., self-doubt, Mondo is adorable when he naps, day is done. Next day fittings, hair, make-up, blah blah blah. Gretchen is toast.

Runway! CHRISTIAN! He is like Mondo's cool older cousin. Speaking of Mondo, he is dressed like the dude from Cheap Trick who played the guitar. He matches his outfit. Which is fabulous, by the way.

Andy's communing with nature leads to a cool black dress that says nothing about trees and everything about underground railroad tunnels. April does the same dress as always except this time it's maternity wear. Michael does a gown that you can absolutely see on the Oscar red carpet. And Gretchen knocks off a look form JC Penney's Fall 2008 line.

The judges make the girls cry. I may be wrong but I think Heidi is mean to Mondo. Christian adorably looks for the positive with everyone, because honey, he has been there-done that.

And Michael wins! And Mondo! And Andy ... although they tell him Warrior Woman needs to go. And then. And then. It's Gretchen over April, which I'm sad about because I hate Gretchen's Bohemian Rhapsody thing and I like April's sort of "Heathers" take on life.

Next week four will start but only three finish. If there is a God, Mondo and Michael C. will be in the Top 3 and then Mondo will win. What did you think?

Project Runway: A bad case of poison Ivy

Tim Gunn has been put through the wringer this season on Project Runway, having to slap down Gretchen early on and then last night having to put that witch Ivy in her place ... again. Wow, she is an angry bitter nasty piece of work.

It actually wasn't that good of an episode, as I a) think Heidi's "collection" is hideous and b) never really like it when they bring the ousted back from the dead. I mean, haven't we all moved on? Obviously not Ivy ...

So the challenge for the Top 6 is to design something to go with Heidi's activewear collection that is sold on Amazon.com, a bunch of stretchy looking clothes in muted tones of dust and grit. Supposedly we suburban housewives want to put this stuff on after we leave the gym and before we hit the grocery store. I'm not sure what Clinton and Stacy would say about all of that.

So they have to use Heidi's Industrial Age color palette and her stretch knit jersey fabrics and off we go. Mondo is upset because there's no pink. Gretchen is upset because there's no wool crepe. Christopher is upset because once again we have discovered a kind of clothing he has never designed before. Seriously, what does this guy do all day?

Then, HEIDI COMES TO THE WORKROOM. Looking fabulous, I might add. Holy cow, that jacket. That hair. That eyeliner. We watch Mondo literally turn into a 4-year-old caught coloring on the walls with marker. We watch Gretchen hop back on her WWoTW broom and fly around the room hurling reams of banned fabrics. It is crazy.

Then Tim brings back the ousted and Ivy unleashes her vomitous spew on Michael C. and then Tim has to come back and bitch slap her. It's just ugly, as are the clothes. I hate this challenge.

They each make three things. Andy, Mondo and April are top, and Andy wins. I like his skeleton dress but I hate that tunic-y thing. Imagine making a 9-pound runway model look hip-py. That's what he did. Imagine what I would look like in that. At the A&P. (For the record, I wasn't crazy about anybody's stuff.)

Gretchen is again shocked that she is sucking, Christopher knows he is dead and Michael is hopeful that he isn't going to wet himself during the judging. Christopher goes home, nicely and with grace, and off we go to the Top 5.

What did you think?