The flower on the side of JLo’s head is so distracting, I fear for the ability of the Top 5 to maintain focus tonight.
Each does a song from the last few years and one from “back in the day.” Let’s define “back in the day.” Sheryl Crow? No, silly. That can’t be it. She speaks in even more clichés than Randy.
First up: James – Closer to the Edge by 30 Seconds to Mars. Oh dear. James sounds like Jon Bon Jovi in rehearsal. He’s kind of dressed like Jonny too. He sounds bad though, bumpy and off-key and a little ahead (or behind?) the music. This is the first time this kid has ever sounded off to me. Ouch. (For the record, the judges tell me I am crazy.)
Jacob. Jacob, Jacob, Jacob. Cardigan tonight. Can you win Jacob? Delusional Jacob. Singing No Air. Both parts of the duet. And suddenly it’s a Very Special Episode of Glee. Or Blossom. He is singing so high even I am clenching. I have no idea what just happened. This is horrendous. JLo and Steven are so busy stumbling over their words they clearly thought it was awful and just don’t want to say. STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO LUTHER.
Lauren Alaina will sing Flat On the Floor by Carrie Underwood. Jimmy clearly loves this kid. Sheryl too. Oh no!! Jimmy loves her but the wardrobe people HATE her. What is she wearing? A fringe tutu and jeggings? I know she’s from the South but holy moly. That said, she is KILLING this song. And her hair looks awesome. Like a Super Farrah.
Scotty will do … wait for it … Gone by Montgomery Gentry. He should sing with Sheryl always. Oh wait. He is singing like he always does. What happened Rehearsal Scotty? Ooo, there he is! On the chorus. I like that. What is this Montgomery Gentry they speak of? One guy or two? (I kid. It’s two. I think.) JLO is so excited she has sprouted a second flower.
Haley is going to do an unreleased Lady Gaga song. That’s going to go over well. You and I it’s called. 16 years old singing about whiskey kisses and sittin’ the corners of bars. Hmmm. But she gives it kind of a Janis thang, and it’s pretty good. I am amazed that Lady Gaga songs have actual lyrics. The judges are so lukewarm to this I am slightly surprised.
Round 2:
James will do Without You by Harry Nilsson. I LOVE THIS SONG! It hits so close to home for sweet baby James that he cries in the studio. He is quiet on stage, controlled, again channeling David Cook, just singing it plain and simple. He throws a little Adam Lambert in there at the end for some flash, and it is good. Not great, but good. Heartfelt, for sure, as he cries when it is done. Judges will swoon. JLo is so maternal right now she may actually be lactating. Ryan might hug him. Somebody needs a hug.
Jacob will sing Love Hurts. This is why I adore Jimmy Iovine. Because he knows if Jacob does one more Glee Does Broadway number I will punch a grandma, so he makes Jacob sing Nazareth. I know! OK, so he is singing it like the You Light Up My Life version of Love Hurts. Or a Bugs Bunny opera performance of Jesus Christ Superstar. I am predicting JLo swoons, Steven says it was beautiful, and Randy hates it. Judges? (Ok, that is Anthony Hopkins. Whut?) I got two out of three.
Lauren will do Unchained Melody. Sigh. She looks gorgeous, in a classic JLo goddess gown. Nice! I love her. Steven is creepy.
Scotty will do … wait for it … Always on My Mind by Elvis. I love Sheryl’s crush on him and I seriously want them to record a song together. Maybe Mrs. Robinson (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). This is the most I have ever liked Scotty. Ever. And ever will be, I can guaran-damn-tee you that.
Haley will wrap it up for us with The House of the Rising Sun by the Animals. Paging Siobhan Magnus! I will say this – I will never buy a record this girl makes, but she is singing the hell out of this song right now.
Bye Jacob. You are done.
