American Idol: Everything Old Is New Again

The flower on the side of JLo’s head is so distracting, I fear for the ability of the Top 5 to maintain focus tonight.

Each does a song from the last few years and one from “back in the day.” Let’s define “back in the day.” Sheryl Crow? No, silly. That can’t be it. She speaks in even more clichés than Randy.

First up: James – Closer to the Edge by 30 Seconds to Mars. Oh dear. James sounds like Jon Bon Jovi in rehearsal. He’s kind of dressed like Jonny too. He sounds bad though, bumpy and off-key and a little ahead (or behind?) the music. This is the first time this kid has ever sounded off to me. Ouch. (For the record, the judges tell me I am crazy.)

Jacob. Jacob, Jacob, Jacob. Cardigan tonight. Can you win Jacob? Delusional Jacob. Singing No Air. Both parts of the duet. And suddenly it’s a Very Special Episode of Glee. Or Blossom. He is singing so high even I am clenching. I have no idea what just happened. This is horrendous. JLo and Steven are so busy stumbling over their words they clearly thought it was awful and just don’t want to say. STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO LUTHER.

Lauren Alaina will sing Flat On the Floor by Carrie Underwood. Jimmy clearly loves this kid. Sheryl too. Oh no!! Jimmy loves her but the wardrobe people HATE her. What is she wearing? A fringe tutu and jeggings? I know she’s from the South but holy moly. That said, she is KILLING this song. And her hair looks awesome. Like a Super Farrah.

Scotty will do … wait for it … Gone by Montgomery Gentry. He should sing with Sheryl always. Oh wait. He is singing like he always does. What happened Rehearsal Scotty? Ooo, there he is! On the chorus. I like that. What is this Montgomery Gentry they speak of? One guy or two? (I kid. It’s two. I think.) JLO is so excited she has sprouted a second flower.

Haley is going to do an unreleased Lady Gaga song. That’s going to go over well. You and I it’s called. 16 years old singing about whiskey kisses and sittin’ the corners of bars. Hmmm. But she gives it kind of a Janis thang, and it’s pretty good. I am amazed that Lady Gaga songs have actual lyrics. The judges are so lukewarm to this I am slightly surprised.

Round 2:

James will do Without You by Harry Nilsson. I LOVE THIS SONG! It hits so close to home for sweet baby James that he cries in the studio. He is quiet on stage, controlled, again channeling David Cook, just singing it plain and simple. He throws a little Adam Lambert in there at the end for some flash, and it is good. Not great, but good. Heartfelt, for sure, as he cries when it is done. Judges will swoon. JLo is so maternal right now she may actually be lactating. Ryan might hug him. Somebody needs a hug.

Jacob will sing Love Hurts. This is why I adore Jimmy Iovine. Because he knows if Jacob does one more Glee Does Broadway number I will punch a grandma, so he makes Jacob sing Nazareth. I know! OK, so he is singing it like the You Light Up My Life version of Love Hurts. Or a Bugs Bunny opera performance of Jesus Christ Superstar. I am predicting JLo swoons, Steven says it was beautiful, and Randy hates it. Judges? (Ok, that is Anthony Hopkins. Whut?) I got two out of three.

Lauren will do Unchained Melody. Sigh. She looks gorgeous, in a classic JLo goddess gown. Nice! I love her. Steven is creepy.

Scotty will do … wait for it … Always on My Mind by Elvis. I love Sheryl’s crush on him and I seriously want them to record a song together. Maybe Mrs. Robinson (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). This is the most I have ever liked Scotty. Ever. And ever will be, I can guaran-damn-tee you that.

Haley will wrap it up for us with The House of the Rising Sun by the Animals. Paging Siobhan Magnus! I will say this – I will never buy a record this girl makes, but she is singing the hell out of this song right now.

Bye Jacob. You are done.

American Idol: I'm Into Something Good. Or Not. You Decide.

Ah, Carole King. Tapestry. I remember those days. Bell-bottoms, braces and a crush on Spencer Burbank. I was in the fifth grade.

Carole King and Baby Face! Clash of the genres! Although I have to admit I was really hoping for some more will.i.am. I did love when Baby Face did that matador song with Madonna that time, though.

Solos and duets for the contestants. Randy in a varsity sweater and a car salesman’s tie. This night is crazy!

First up, Jacob. Did I mention he is going home this week? Jimmy: Soar and riff. Riff and soar. Riff till you're sore. Oh No Not My Baby. Never heard of it. Baby Face is making Sour Face. Rehearsal has not gone well. And for the performance Jacob is dressed like Urkel at the Spring Fling. We have seen some really gay things on Idol, but this is the bride on the top of that cake. And the dancing! The performance reeks of desperation from the inside out and I stick with my prediction: He’s done.

Lauren is next: Where You Lead. How is it possible I have not heard of this either? Perhaps I only ever listened to Tapestry? Baby Face: Duh. Duh! He just channeled will.i.am! MILEY CYRUS!!! Lauren is Trans.Formed. Between Baby Face’s duh and Miley’s yee-haw, we are set. She is gonna kill it. She looks adorable but her performance is awkward and stiff. She sounds great but is acting self-conscious. Pulling the kid from the crowd is just stupid. She sang it great but it was weird.

I love the top 6. The show just flies by. Oh wait. Duets. Yeah, that never works. I have two words for you: Gokey Allen.

Haley and Casey: I Feel the Earth Move. Hey! This is pretty good. They sound good together and half of Haley on a song is a win-win for me. Casey’s hair is alarmingly poufy. They are slightly Iraheta-Lambert-esque. Slightly. I liked that.

Scotty: You’ve Got A Friend. This is going to be so dull. The rehearsal was agony, for Jimmy and Baby Face and me. He is singing it so slow, like he’s trying to teach it to us. The judges are going to slobber all over this, watch. Call me Kreskin! The girls will text for him tonight their thumbs fall off, though.

James. Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow. No gimmicks. Very David Cook of him. Phantom of the Opera anyone? Except this is American Graffiti. This kid is fabulous. This is a brilliant strategic move (only I think about Idol in those terms) and this may be the moment when he has won it. (And I said that before Randy did.)

Scotty and Lauren duet. Up On the Roof. They too sound nice together. Better than the first duet, actually. This song was apparently made for a twang, even though it’s written about a roof in the city. Right now it’s about a barn roof.

Casey is doing Hi-De-Ho, which was written by King but made into a hit by Blood Sweat and Tears. I LOVE this song. LOVE it. This is a performance, with a character and a costume and a gimmick. He gives it his all, but it comes across as a little forced to me, like Lauren’s and Scotty’s and Jacob’s all did. Hmmm.

Haley will sing Beautiful. I love Baby Face. He’s smarter than will.i.am. What a great session she had with them. I respect her for choosing this song – it’s not an obvious choice and it’s not particularly easy to sing. It’s uber-Carole King. I like it, which of course surprises me, since I don’t really like her. Her performance is more relaxed and comfortable than everyone except for James. So she’s among the best of the night, I guess. Which of course surprises me.

Duet. James and Jacob. I’m Into Something Good. Herman’s Hermits. This is like something from a Farrelly brothers movie, but I mean that as a compliment.

So, best to worst: James, Haley, Lauren, Casey, Scotty, Jacob. But that’s just me.

American Idol: Beck-less

What kind of an Idol metaphor is it when Hall of Famer Jeff Beck bows out of Wednesday night’s show, allegedly because of a lack of rehearsal time, and he is seamlessly replaced by Black Eyed Peas frontman Will.i.am?

Rhetorical question, kids. Who cares? Based on their levels of energy and hilarity, Will.i.am and Jimmy Iovine must’ve been shotgunning Red Bulls and snorting whipped cream canisters in the men’s room, making the change so worth it.

Good heavens.

So Rock and Roll Hall of Fame night went with some obvious, some not so obvious, and some LOL. Before we review, can we pause to appreciate the lilting Lopez laugh? That giggle makes me understand why Ben Affleck sacrificed his career.

Jacob's opening number made the judges swoon, but my heart was cold. First off, Man in the Mirror belongs to Kris Allen. Hands off, bubba. Secondly, it was like the Monty Python Broadway version of the song, and I kept expecting Jacob – all in white for heaven’s sake – to turn into the Lady In The Lake. We need the Fish Slapping Song!

Haley – not my favorite – chose Janis Joplin. Finally! It’s not like Randy and Steven haven’t been hurling the J word at her since day 1. Piece of My Heart. She growled her way through it, leaving the Betty Boop sex kitten kitsch thankfully behind (although the leather leggings were quite something). I disliked her the least I ever have, and that’s the nicest thing I’m going to say.

Casey brought his stand up bass to the stage, and there was a guy with him playing the tiniest little stringed instrument – was it a lyre? It was like the Mutt and Jeff of instruments. He sang CCR’s Have You Ever Seen The Rain, and he remains redeemed. I think he has lost 40 pounds in four weeks.

Lauren did not look like a natural woman, she had too much make-up and too much hair, and tights and shorts (never a good look unless you are being dropped off at preschool), and I did not love her Natural Woman. But I love her. Except not looking like that.

James went with a neat touch, George Harrison’s My Guitar Gently Weeps, likely not an audience favorite, but it showed depth and musical appreciation and he Lambertized it quite nicely.

Scotty sang Elvis. That’s All Right, Mama. No, it ain’t.

Pia sang Ike and Tina’s River Deep Mountain High and I am officially bored with her. I loved Jen’s advice though: watch videos.

Stefano. Oh Stefano. You bring out the mush in me. He sang When A Man Loves A Woman, and he sang it so great, and will.i.am was hilarious in the studio. Hilarious. And foul-mouthed.

And then Paul sang Folsom Prison Blues to close the show, because he was in the bottom three last week, you know, unrightfully so, America, and Jimmy is so tanked on Red Bulls he is practically tearing his clothes off in the studio. And then Paul does exactly what they told him to do and just goes nuts on that stage, like Joaquin-on-Letterman-level nuts, and it is so awesome and I will be bummed if America is stupid and sends him home.

And then the most amazing thing ever happens. The show ends early. EARLY. And Ryan has to streeeeeetch it, and he chats with the judges and he dances with the contestants, including the bump with Jacob and the do-si-do with Lauren and, man, this is so awesome and Glee is probably so mad that it was not supposed to be on right after. And finally, we’re done.

My bottom two are Scotty and Jacob. I will be wrong.

American Idol: Hold Me Closer, Tiny Dancer

So last week was crazy. Like nuts. Like March Madness but with no balls. Like, I have never seen anything like that before, never mind on Idol, in like, life. Casey was out. He was done. He was toast. And then he started to sing for his life but Randy stopped him and Steven saved him and the judges used the save in the third week. There were 11 left. They used the save on Casey Abrams, who until last week was my boy, but two bad performances in a row and I had already broken up with him and was starting to make eyes at Stefano. Plus I read on the Internet that Courtney Love was singlehandedly responsible for that ouster, she was so mad about Casey’s version of Smells Like Teen Spirit. Like she and Frances Bean texted 30 million times for everyone else and that’s why Casey was going to be out.

Except they used the save, man. They used the save. And then Casey literally died on the stage, he fell right down and died, and Ryan did CPR but that didn’t work so Ryan reached his hand right into Steven’s chest and pulled out his heart – because it’s true, you know, that Steven is 63 but really he’s a cyborg – and Ryan put Steven’s healthy beating borg heart right into Casey’s chest and saved him. Rammed it right in there like Travolta did to Uma in Pulp Fiction. And he was saved.

So I don’t even know how we come back from all that except that we sing Elton John. And do a slo-mo montage of all that last week stuff – and I think America started a fourth war or something in between then and now, right? I don’t know, there’s been a lot going on – and talk about hope being renewed and No. More. Second. Chances. Whew.

Ryan is all calm and acting like nothing weird happened last week, that he didn’t do open heart surgery on stage – and they could show it because they had all that extra time because Casey never sang. In fact, Ryan goes straight for the negative and says two will go home Thursday. Save a life, kill a buzz, Ry.

Jimmy Iovine is so the Yoda of this show. What he says seems obvious and yet … deep.

First up is Scotty McCreery. He is going to sing Country Comfort because it has the word country in it and he does not want us to forget that he is a country singer. He sings this like he sings every other song, including a gratuitous shout out to his own granny in the audience and some down-home guitar playin’. I wish my pal Rick Koster was watching this. Yee-haw. The judges swoon.

Jennifer’s hair is the most magnificent it has been so far.

Naima is going to sing I’m Still Standing and will raggae-i-fy it. She says she chose it because she is still in the competition. Hilariously, Jimmy advises her to not make the song about her, but rather about the world. You know, like, Japan and stuff. Deep, I’m telling you. So it’s OK. I don’t love the arrangement. She is on key, though, and she has a decent fake Jamaican accent and she looks fantastic. Judges? Jennifer hated it but is nice. Randy also hated it. Steven is Steven.

Paul McDonald will sing Rocket Man. Jimmy says he’s going to have dig deep and step up and some other cliches. “How ya’ll doin’ this evening?” That’s actually starting to grow on me. He sounds awesome. He looks ridiculous. He reminds me of Kris Kristofferson circa A Star Is Born, kind of that exhausted John Norman vibe. FABulous. Judges?

Pia will sing … Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me. I think she should’ve gone with Crocodile Rock – remember when John Stevens did that oh those many years ago? Those were some good times. But Jimmy says Randy is an ass, so it must be true. Let’s listen. I do love this song. I sing it great in my car. She gets, not a choir exactly, but more like a platoon of backup singers. I actually don’t think this is as good as she usually is. Plus her eyes are closed a lot. I thought that was against the rules this year.

Stefano will calm his bowels from last week’s close shave and sing TINY DANCER!!! Yes!!!! I love this song so much. It is the perfect combination of cheese and emotion. He is doing a good job, and keeping his eyes open. He is cute. Nice touch at the end with Jenny from the Block.

Lauren Alaina will sing Candle in the Wind, except the Marilyn version, not the Diana version. She is lovely and controlled and has a real Carrie Underwood thing going on. Awesome. Spectacular. Bite that, haters.

James is up and I am letting the 10-year-old stay up because he is a fan. There better be some screaming, or this boy will be disappointed. Yes! Saturday Night’s All Right (For Fightin’)! Take that Pia! Hmmm. He sounds good, but with all the moving around here, it seems not as energetic as it should be. And then the piano explodes, and he hits that Lambertian note, and it’s all good. The 10-year-old is mightily pleased.

Thia Megia. Empty, emotionless, plastic Thia will sing Daniel. Jimmy basically says as much. She’s a Stepford Idol. Anything? Nope. Nothing. Boring, in fact.

Next up, Casey! With his borg heart and his bleeding ulcer and his shaking hands. Jimmy needs to turn into Loretta from Moonstruck, cook him a rare steak and slap his face. Hard. And Jimmy kind of does just that. I am growing fond of old Yoda. He will sing Your Song, and he has shaved. Well, not really. Combed the food out though. This is Casey’s apology America, and it’s a sweetly sincere one. Apology 2011 (Ruben Studdard reference.)

Jacob is next (and the show has been great but it is starting to feel like we’ve been here for about 2 days) … Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word. The Mary J. Blige version. Jimmy is worried about overdramatization. The smoke on stage will make sure that doesn’t happen. Plus, Jacob is starting off kind of like RuPaul playing Nathan Lane in A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Elton John Show in Key West. Overdramatization? Nah.

Haley Reinhart is closing the show? Really? How short is the skirt? Bennie and Jets. Betty Boop and the Jets, maybe. Starts out like the Fabulous Baker Boys. Jeepers. Turns into the moves of Edie Brickell and the guttural sounds of Phoebe Buffay when she had a cold. I don’t like this girl. The judges disagree.

Overall, I would say this night redeemed itself from last week’s debacle. Bottom? My bottom is Naima and Thia. I have no idea who America will put there.

American Idol: Oh, Stefano

We open the show with the judges and Ry letting us know that we can take a break from our reality TV to help out the real world – donate to the Red Cross Japan relief efforts by downloading tonight’s performances and text your donations tomorrow during the results show. So it’s like Idol Gives Back Lite. If they did that every week, by the time the new Idol is crowned all the world’s ills would be cured.

Jen’s hair is like mad crazy tonight, like a Bride of Frankenstein Down Do. If I were Steven Tyler, I would not be able to keep my hands off it.

Yes! Songs from the year they were born! My favorite Idol theme week!

Naima, 1984
What’s Love Got To Do With It, Tina Turner.
OK, so now we know – she can’t move and sing at the same time. Stand still and get on key, girl. I am rapidly losing patience with this girl, who is even more rapidly going from interesting and cool to mediocre. And this arrangement is painful. Judges? Steven, whut? Jen, ouch! “Consistently pitchy.” OUCH! Randy: “A mess.” OW! Two of three judges come out punching!

Paul McDonald, 1984
I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues, Elton John
His parents are amazingly normal.
STOP TALKING TO US. Oo, dear. That was a squeak. He sounds like one of the Chipmunks. Dude needs some Vicks VapoRub and chamomile tea. Judges? Jen: I love you so much that I am not going to say that you sounded like crap. Randy: Name drops and babbles. Steven: “Cool dude in a loose mood.” You know what? I like that.

Thia, 1995
Colors of the Wind, Vanessa Williams
Her mom is sweet and can sing! Yes! A Disney movie song! So early in the competition. I have great hopes for this season. So far this kid has been bizarrely emotionless but in her interview package she shows a little hint of personality. She looks stunning and sings perfectly but … there’s nothing there. Empty. Judges? Randy: Ballad = boring. Dude, I agree. Steven: Do you like that song? Jen: (Seriously, how long does that hair take?) Vibrato! Not just that, but vibrato that she does not want to think about! Ouch, squared.

Kate Hudson!

James Durbin, 1989
I’ll Be There For You, Bon Jovi
They’ve formed a band, an AI band! James, Casey, Paul and Stefano. So they’ve left out Jacob and Scotty. Yeah, no cliques here. Jimmy Iovine’s best advice yet: wash your hands.
OK, this is my all time favorite Bon Jovi song. I actually cry when Ritchie and Jon sing it to each other in the most fabulous heterosexual way you’ve ever seen live on stage. This is a train wreck. The arrangement is awful. The back up singers are worse. And he is terrible. Terrible. Judges? Steven: Don’t get too poppy. (And I’ll sing with you in the finale.) Jen: I be acting a fool. Randy: Pitchy. True dat. Made it his own. Hmm.

Haley Reinhart, 1990
I’m Your Baby Tonight, Whitney Houston
Oh my God, her mom had the greatest 1990s hair EVER.
She’s singing Whitney, the week after doing Leanne Rimes. Hell to the no, I say. The sex kitten is in uber-heat. She looks gorgeous but I cannot stand this act. At this point it’s like watching Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks. Judges? Jen: Lots of “baby” tonight. Oh no! The Paula Abdul Memorial You Look Beautiful Backhanded Compliment. Randy is interrupted by Ryan wiping all the excess lipstick off her mug, and then says Who are you (and rightfully so)? Steven: Go back to what your good at. LOL.

Stefano Langone, 1989
If You Don’t Know Me By Now, Simply Red
Born with Tony Bennett’s hair. Cool.
So my least-favorite boy is the first one I like tonight? Oh, Idol, you and your cruel games. Cheesy, yes, but excellent cheese. Plus he’s wearing an awesome jacket. LOL, Jen be acting the fool again. Where’s Mark Anthony? Judges? Randy: Name drops. Best! Yes! Randy and I have lost our minds together! Steven: Great. Jen: She would totally Mrs. Robinson him.

Pia Toscano, 1988
Where Do Broken Hearts Go, Whitney Houston
This is an inordinate amount of Whitney tonight. Dated clothes. Dated performance. Hmm. Kind of Thia-level boring. Judges? They will praise her, I can tell by the way they are swaying in their seats. Let’s see. Steven: Praise. Jen: Up tempo! Randy: In it to win it, yo.

Scotty McCreery, 1993
Can I Trust You With My Heart, Travis Tritt
Elvis fetish as a boy. And now he’s gone and given Randy a chance to mention that he has produced Travis Tritt. Oh Randy. You are no Jimmy Iovine. He does what he does quite well. Bring on Disco Week. Judges? Jen: Good. Randy: Name drops. Shocker! Steven: Good.

Karen Rodriguez, 1989
Love Will Lead You Back, Taylor Dane
Oh dear. What is that outfit? What is that hair? She looks like Beyonce in Austin Powers. I cannot get past this look. Except to note that she is nothing great. Judges? Randy: Better but … Steven: Blip. Jen: If you can’t sing, don’t try.

Casey Abrams, 1991
Smells Like Teen Spirit, Nirvana
Take risks? Those plaid shorts in Jimmy’s living room are pretty risky. If this works I will be so happy. Hmmm. Less Kurt Cobain and more late-in-life Jim Morrison, but OK. I’m going with it. Judges? Steven: You’re ME! Jen: I did not get that. Randy: Props to me, name drops, and then … love you!

Lauren Alaina, 1994
I’m The Only One, Melissa Etheridge
She’s so ill she’s wearing a mask. I wish she had chosen Come To My Window. It’s a better Idol song. I love Jimmy Iovine and his string of meaningless clichés. He’s like the Ronald Reagan of the music world. Oh dear. Lauren, you might meet the bottom three tomorrow night, hon. Judges? Jen: Whut? Randy: Whut??? Steven: Whut?????

Jacob Lusk, 1987
Alone, Heart
His mom is a scream. Did he say, “Lusky stank?” And we have Alone: The Broadway Musical As Performed By Meatloaf. Nope, wait, we’re OK. We are in the meat of it and … oh, back to Broadway. I swear he just turned into Jennifer Hudson for a second there. Judges? Randy: Caressed? Ew. Steven: Mmm hmmm. Jen: Still, the hair, 2 hours later.

American Idol: Top 13

Top 13. Pick a song by their personal idol. Jimmy Iovine and his posse will mold them. Work with them. Make them snort water out of their noses.

Lauren Alaina. Shania. Any Man of Mine.
She is wearing 2 different outfits. I hate this song. Not sure why this girl is remaking herself from rocker chick to Carrie Underwood but it ain’t working for me. Judges? Steven: not thrilled. He’s right, though. It was … lackadaisical. Jen? Really? She’s not loving it either. Oh my. Randy? He unfortunately mentions Shania cheating ex-husband and criticizes Lauren.

Casey Abrams. Joe Cocker. Get By With A Little Help From My Friends.
Sitting on the Adam Lambert Memorial Staircase. I love this kid. Oh, and the ALM Choir as well! Nice! Best of the night, I’m saying it right now. Judges? Jen: (God that hair.) Randy? Gfhroghtkdhf. Steven? Unicorns, princesses and butterflies.

Ashthon Jones. Diana Ross. When You Tell Me That You Love Me.
Oh dear. It might have gone well in the studio, but it is not starting out so well here. And here is where it matters. Jimmy brought Barry Gordy, and … I hope he isn’t crying. Meh. Judges? Randy and Steven agree but I have no idea what they actually think. Jen? She thought it was obscure and shaky. I think.

Paul McDonald. Ryan Adams. Come Pick Me Up.
Don Was!!!! (Did he just call him a big baller? Whut?) How great that Mr. Quirky picks Ryan With An “R”, not Idol favorite Bryan With A “B”. Dude, stop talking to the crowd. Oh. That’s awful. Why is he whispering? What is he, Joey Heatherton? Who was that annoying girl from a few years ago who always danced like she had to go potty? He reminds me of her. I hated her. I don’t love this, and I am rapidly losing whatever it was I liked about him. Judges? Steven: That sucked. Jen: It was so boring I started watching the audience. Randy: Gfjfkgothfnk name drop name drop name drop. (And Ryan is funny. For real.)

Pia Toscano. Surprise! Celine Dion. All By Myself.
Blech, squared. This makes me think more of the Eric Carmen version from my adolescence than the Celine dreck. Oops. Spoke too soon. There’s that Celine-like yelp/howl. Pia is beautiful, though. Can’t wait till the week when she will sing Somewhere Over The Rainbow. Judges? Jen: Speechless. Randy: Season 10! Yes! I’m still here! Suck that Simon! Oh wait, sorry. Steven: Happy International Women’s Day?

James Durbin. Paul McCartney. Maybe I’m Amazed
Love this song, love this choice. Somehow he has Scotty McCreery’s ears. And no tail! He is making me wish that Adam had sung this during his season. But he’s doing a good job. Not a lot of lyrics here, but he’s milking it. More controlled than I expected. I like it. Judges? Randy: name drops. Loves it. Steven: Loves it. Jen: Loves it.

Haley Reinhart. Leann Rimes. Blue
Her producers are the Tabitha and Napoleon of song. Cool. Please no sex kitten. Please. Steven is thinking dirty thoughts. She looks great and she sings it great. This is the first time I have liked her. Judges? Steven: loves. Jen? Loves. Randy: boring (I agree with Randy on that. It did seem like it lasted forever.)

Jacob Lusk. R. Kelly. I Believe I Can Fly.
Oversinging. Overdoing. Not good. Choir. Good heavens. This is like a scene from a Christopher Guest movie. Judges? Never mind. They are wrong.

Thia Megia. Michael Jackson. Smile.
Charlie Chapman. LOL. This girl is 2 years older than my daughter. She boggles my mind. It sounds good but its kind of boring along the lines of Whatshername’s Blue a little bit ago. Slow. Judges? Randy: Name drops. Didn’t love it. Steven: Didn’t love it either. Doesn’t name drop. Jen: Didn’t love the second half either.

Stefano Langone. Stevie Wonder. Lately.
Did he just say “anging”? Peaked last week. Nuff said.

Karen Rodriguez. Selena.
I have no idea what the name of this song is. I do wish I had a Selena Barbie though. Awesome Cher-like outfit. The low notes are too low for her … this girl is just OK, not great. Pia would floss her teeth with her. Judges? Nah. Let’s move on.

Scotty McCreery. Garth Brooks. The River
Don Was again! Name dropping! Oh my God, Scotty was cute as a toddler. This is not my taste but he does a fine job with it. Judges? Love it.

Naima. Rhianna. Umbrella.
The producer is named Tricky! And he produced it! But she’s going to make it her own! This outfit is a hot mess but in sort of a good way. I don’t think she is singing as well as she usually does – and I am a fan of this girl – I think she sounds like she’s trying to be Rhianna. And this Rasta thing happens and then … I don’t know what. Thunder? Not good. Judges? Steven: Pitchy but whatever. Jen: Pitchy but so what? Randy: Pitchy matters.

Who will go home? Ashthon? Naima? America didn’t put them in the top 13 last week – the judges did. I don’t think they won any friends with this.

The Amazing Race: Quitters Never, Ever, Ever Win

So we go 5,000 miles from Australia to Japan, and there is the option of a direct flight and the option of one that stops in Hong Kong but arrives 15 minutes earlier. Now, if this was 1968, I'd say, hell, yeah, take the connection. But it's 2011, kids, and when in this day and age does any airplane, anywhere on the planet, ever arrive or leave on time?

And yet, 5 of the teams are dumb enough to opt for the connection. The 15 minutes earlier turns into 90 minutes late, and it's huge for some of the back-in-the-pack teams, like Ron and Christina (Daddy Dearests), who go from last to fourth/third.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, and making reference to the Great Fanny Pack Caper before I've even gotten to the Great Mirror Mashup.

One in Tokyo, the first five teams are the Kentuckys, the Globetrotters, Daddy Dearests, CowBros and the Sistahs. For the Roadblock, one person has to don traditional clothes, make traditional poses, and shoot a traditional arrow from atop a traditional wooden horse. There is so much tradition throughout this episode that I keep waiting for Phil to come out dressed as Tevye the Milkman.

This gig is much harder than it looks, and it takes some teams forever to complete. Meanwhile, the second flight finally arrives, and then while trying to drive out of Tokyo, one of the Poms sideswipes another car and wouldn't you know it, the guy they hit must be gay because he won't just let them get away with it, and insists on calling the Tokyo Po Po. Tick tock ladies.

After the arrow shooting, the Detour options are prayer ritual - which involves freezing cold waterfall water - or frog ritual - which involves freezing cold mud. The Globetrotters and Daddy Dearest take the waterfall and that is when Flight Time accidentally snags the others' fanny pack. But instead of bringing it back to them, they simply leave it in the locker room.

Everyone else goes for the frogs, which involves wearing sheets and having mud hurled at you. It's akin to the needle/haystack thing that Bertram loves so much, and Mike and Mel become the Lena and Kristy of this season, eventually quitting because they could not find the frog and they could not stop shaking. I should point out two things:
1. Lena and Kristy never quit in season 6, and Phil had to go out into the hay field and tell them to stop and 2. Mel did not want to stop, it was Mike who quit. He claimed "it was for dad," but that is bull. Mike is a weenie. Mel is a ninja. A 70-year-old ninja.

So Zev and Justin are first again, and the Globetrotters got bumped from third to fourth because the Daddy Dearests complained (love Phil as Judge and Jury!). The Poms stayed in by the skin of their teeth, and Mike and Mel live to hug another day, just not in the Race. All in all a satisfying episode. Next week, more teams lose their minds.

American Idol: Top 12 Girls

The question that I need answered is this: What are those feathers on Steven Tyler’s head attached to? Are they braided into his hair? Are they hanging from his ear lobes? Are they stapled to his scalp? This is the question that is keeping me up these nights.

The boys were so horrible in general last night that I am now officially glad we are going straight from 24 to 12, because really, you need to just rip off the Band-Aid. Don’t torture us.

Steven and JLo proved last night that they are suffering from that Season 1 Judge Disease that renders them unable to say anything remotely critical, even when it is obvious to all the rest of us that a performance was horrendous. Cursing doesn’t make you a tough guy, Steven. Telling the truth does. Man up. Let’s start:

Ta-Tynisa Wilson: She looks fabulous. Like she should be on top of a princess birthday cake. But it’s Rhianna’s Only Girl in the World, which isn’t really designed to show off your “singing” voice, and she isn’t singing it well. She is shrill and off key and out of tune and reeks of desperation. But she is gorgeous. Paula would tell her she is gorgeous. Once again, Randy is dead on in his criticism, and once again, my world is upside down. And Steven and JLo aren’t even adding up to an Ellen at this point. JLo just said out loud that it isn’t about being able to sing (which she should know). I hate when they accidentally show us the man behind the curtain.

Naima Adedapo: Summertime! Noooo! Do not choose Fantasia’s breakthrough moment, you dopes. I am a fan of this girl, I have been since we first saw her, but come on! You make me hate you when you take on Fantasia’s Summertime. Well. Hmmm. She is singing it upbeat. She owns that stage. She is hitting every note and singing it with feeling. Hey! I like it! Nice tatt. Nice performance! And yes, Randy is back to being an idiot! Sort of.

Kendra Chantelle: Well, she can sing but the outfit makes her the Season 10 Haley Scarnato. She chooses an Xtina song, does OK, but makes me feel nothing.

Rachel Zevita: Cape. Hair. Microphone shenanigans. None of that can cover up a mediocre performance. Plus, I had to Google before I was able to figure out this was that great Fiona Apple song. I love that song! But not like this. Rachel, that was awful. And awkward. It was so bad that even Steven and JLo had to say negative things. “Broadway!” ouch!

Karen Rodriguez: Mariah Carey. In Spanish! Awesome! JLo did that once. How’d that work out for you, Jenny? She looks very pageant-y, she sings very pageant-y and she makes me feel nothing. Would I buy this? No. Would I change the station on the car radio? Yes.

Lauren Turner: Etta James! Seven Day Fool. Who is this girl? I love this. She’s not anorexic. She’s got this earthy voice and a slightly dirty air about her. I don’t remember her even from last week. What did I say last week? (I said, and I quote, “No idea.”). Love her. New favorite.

Ashton Jones: “Wassup ladies!” Don’t do that. Love All Over Me by Monica. OK, stop talking. I hate that. You are not Chaka Khan. Not yet. She is beautiful. She can sing big. If she is going to win me over I need to get to know her. She called Steven Tyler “baby.” Twice. JLo … might not like this … divaness.

Julie Zorilla: Kelly Clarkson. Sigh. Why, God? Why? I have not understood the judges’ love for this girl, their slobbering compliments, since her arrival. I think this is extremely mediocre, especially if we compare it to the original Idol. JLo’s not loving it (but my goodness Jen’s hair looks magnificent). Wow. Even Steven Tyler is largely negative.

Haley Reinhart: This girl has awesome hair. But I bet when she was little it was the bane of her mom’s existence. All that brushing. Jeepers. Alicia Keys. I’ll pay someone to smother me with a pillow right now. She sings every song like she’s a sex kitten from 1963. Like Hugh Hefner is waiting for her upstairs. Young Hugh. Not creepy old Hugh. I hate this but I bet the judges like it. … Wait! Randy hated it! He is keeping it real. Dude. Steven loved it. Jen loved it. I may be in Inception.

Thia Megia: 15 years old. I have not been a fan. I cannot hear her. I feel like I’m watching BBC (I can never hear them). Irene Cara? What A Feeling? No. Out Here On My Own. When she sings it big, it is beautiful. Great control. She took a completely stupid throwaway song and made it into something. Good for her. She won me over. And I think Ryan may be right. I think she’s 40.

Lauren Alaina: 16 years old. She’s the rocker chick, but she chooses Reba. Hmmm. Girlie Lynrd Skynrd, sort of. Not what I expected. I like it though. Reminds me of Alison Iraheta, whom I loved. Good for her.

Pia Toscano: She gets to close the show. Really? I would’ve thought it would’ve been Julie or Thia based on the hype up till now. She is gorgeous. The Pretenders. Taking on Chrissie Hynde is braver than doing all the Mariah, Xtina, Alicia, Celine crap on the planet. She actually does it. And did I mention she is gorgeous?

American Idol: Top 12 Boys

Top 12 boys. They sing, they get voted out, we go straight to the Top 10, but with some judges wild card picks. Really? Ryan is not explaining things as well as he usually does. I am confused. Don’t we usually spend a month whittling down the 24?

We open with the judges, live for the first time, and we are worried about Steven. Hilarity ensues with Melissa Leo’s new favorite word. On to the performances!

Clint Ju Gamboa, AKA Junebug: Stevie Wonder. Superstitious. I can’t stand this kid. Simon Cowell is rolling in his grave. Screaming does not = singing. Brilliant? No.

Jovany Barreto. Oh yeah, the shipyard. Can’t stand him either. Crappy pop music. Luckily, he does a terrible job singing Edwin McCain’s awesome I’ll Be. Now, done right, this song should make your spine tingle. This version just made my spine go numb. Judges are idiots, except Randy, which upsets me because as we know, Randy is a huge idiot.

Jordan Dorsey. I like this kid. Nice vibe. He looks fabulous, but he starts too low and off key. Then he inexplicably strips. I have no idea what this song is but it is horrendous. What happened to the Jordan we knew and loved? My children tell me this is Usher but it is unrecognizable. Finally, Steven and JLo give some actual criticism. Randy is starting to sound smart. This is terrifying.

Tim Halperin, No idea who he is. Wow me, kid. Oh dear. He is eaten alive by the band, the stage, the background singers, even his blazer. Weak. Plus, this is a Rob Thomas song. Really? This is what it has come to? Judges? Agree? Steven: Dude, you sucked. JLo: Dude … I am damning you with faint praise. Randy: Dawg, you sucked. (Memo to Randy, you have said the exact same thing to every performer.)

Brett Loewenstern: 16. Last one picked. Shouldn’t have been picked. He’s doing The Doors? Oh honey. This isn’t Glee, and you are not Adam Lambert. This is one of the larger train wrecks we have ever seen on the Idol big stage. Ryan, get the cane. Please. If we are lucky, Steven Tyler will scream, fly over the desk and murder him. Nope. Steven loves it. Really? Am I crazy? JLo: More faint praise. Randy: You sang awful but I was amused.

James Durbin: No bandana and he got a haircut. JLo pulls a Paula. Judas Priest – is that a first? It is actually the most interesting and nuanced (hard to believe but I mean that) performance of the night. It’s not bad. But it is so reminiscent of Adam Lambert … it has a been-there-done-that aspect to it that seems unavoidable. Plus dude needs to get rid of the tail. Steven curses … but in a good way. JLo and Randy swoon. But good for him. First good performance of the night.

Robbie Rosen, 16: What? Speak up. I can’t hear you. Plus, it’s In The Arms of the Angels, and he is singing it baaaad. Ouch. I feel sorry for him. The falsetto is terrible. Like, early Tim Urban bad. The rest is so tentatively off key that I want to cry for him. Oh dear. Plus the stylist gave him Sally Field’s hair from Steel Magnolias. Wait. Steven loves it. Really? Am I crazy? JLo loves it. Huh? She says the notes weren’t perfect. Um, yeah. Shouldn’t they be? Shouldn’t they be notes? And again, Randy to the rescue. God, help me! Randy is making sense! What is happening?

Scotty McCreery, 16: Letters from Home by John Michael Montgomery (I Googled it.) Even if you aren’t a fan, he is singing far better than 99 percent of the boys who have come before him on the stage tonight.

Stefano Langone: OK, seriously. I am getting mad. Bruno Mars, done badly. I don’t care of you almost died in a car crash, or had a curved spine, or a drug addiction, or a vegetative grandma. If you can’t sing, get off my show. OK, he got slightly better toward the end, but then crashed and burned with that last falsetto. I’m guessing the judges will swoon. Steven: swoons. JLo: swoons. Randy? Sanity? Nope. Insane. Maybe it’s me.

Paul McDonald: “What’s up TV land?” Did he really just say that? But he is doing Maggie May, in a good way. He is quirky. I don’t love the stage flailing, but I like the voice. Judges? Steven spouts gibberish (omg, he’s Randy), JLo talks about his smile, and Randy says he is more different than Idol has ever seen … puh-leeze.

Jacob Lusk: I am dreading this. I cannot stand the way this guy kills every song, and I don’t mean that in a good way. I mean it in a felony way. Oh, shock! Luther Vandross! OK. He can sing. I admit it. And this was actually controlled for him. So OK. He’s Jennifer Hudson tonight. I give him that.

Casey Abrams: The money spot. He must have scored huge with the focus groups. Screamin’ Jay Hawkins (Google) I Put A Spell On You. Bravo, man. I’m saying it again: He. Will. Win.

American Idol: Our Top 24

Well, that was quite a two weeks in Hollywood.

The group sing week was about as dramatic as a viewer could hope for, and I lost some real favorites, including Rob Bolin (he of Chelsea and Rob, the “exes”), and Emily Anne Reed and that Caleb kid. Ashley Sullivan positioned herself as Most Likely To Actually Commit Suicide On The Idol Stage, and Clint the Junebug became one of America’s Most Hated. Fabulous.

This week we brought the top 50 or so to Vegas, to Cirque de Soleil’s Beatles stage, to sing The Beatles in duets or trios. There’s a Rodney Dangerfield joke in there somewhere. Some of it is great, some of it is hideous, and best of all, we get to see Jimmy Iovine and his entourage, which is everything I had dreamed it could be.

There are more brutal cuts here, and we are down to, well, I’m not sure exactly because no matter what Ryan says it always looks like there are 100 people in the “holding room.” Then everyone gets one more chance to solo for the judges, in an airplane hanger (are we still in Vegas?), and we don’t see much of that, and then it’s cut time to get to 24.

We are back to 12 boys and 12 girls. I hate that.

So Chris Medina takes a fall, and in what might be the most embarassingly self-obsessed moment in history (well, since Marie Antoinette, anyway), JLo turns his rejection into something about her, and sobs so hard her eyelashes might fall off. I need to learn that celebrity tissue-dabbing technique. It really is something.

So Randy and Steven take a few moments to tell her how well she crushed that poor kid’s dream, but she is inconsolable and they need to take a break. Meanwhile, Chris heads back to wherever he’s from to continue singing in crappy bars and taking care of his semi-vegetative fiance. Really, JLo? Really? This is just gross.

But she is able to soldier on, eyelashes intact, and they deliver happy news and sad news and happy news and sad news, spread over two nights and four hours, and I lose some more favorites and disagree with some of these decisions, and in the end, we have this:

Boys

• Clint Ju Gamboa, AKA Junebug, the karoake master who slayed Jaycee on group night.
• Paul McDonald, who I never saw until The Beatles night, who has sort of a Kenny Loggins quirky vibe and an interesting voice. He won’t last.
• Robbie Rosen, 16, he might go far.
• Tim Halperin, no idea.
• Scotty McCreery, 16 with the deep country voice. Buh-bye.
• Jovany Barreto, can’t stand this guy – he is everything I dislike about modern Top 40 music.
• Jordan Dorsey, the really nice piano teacher with the really nice voice and the really nice vibe.
• Stefano Langone, he is just like Jovany.
• Jacob Lusk, oversinger extraordinaire – ugh.
• James Durbin, Lambert 2.0 with great back story (autism, Tourette’s, poor)
• Casey Abrams, my new favorite and the one I shall make my first bold prediction with: he will win.
• Brett Loewenstern: 16. I would not have kept him. I would’ve taken that Colton kid instead. But they wanted to keep the Glee vibe going.

Girls

• Naimi Adedapo, gorgeous, can sing, great backstory.
• Haley Reinhart, over sings – expendable blonde.
• Ashton Jones, gorgeous, can sing.
• Karen Rodriguez, one of many brunettes.
Tatynisa Wilson, eh.
• Julie Zorilla, the very over-rated Colombian.
• Lauren Turner, no idea.
• Rachel Zevita, the girl representative of quirky. We’ll see.
• Kendra Chantelle, expendable blonde.
• Lauren Alaina: 16 (15 when she started), a rocker; might be headed for Dr. Drew early.
• Pia Toscano: she is good friends Karen Rodriguez; beautiful, can sing.
Thia Megia: 15-year-old. I’m not sure why this kid bugs me but she does. I would’ve picked the girl who was turning 25. Far more interesting personality. Plus she has tried out 7 times, if she won, what a story that would be …

So here we go America. Time to start voting next week. Boys are on Tuesday, girls on Wednesday, results on Thursday. So much Idol, so much time.

The Amazing Race: Unfinished Business: Flag on the Play

Here's the thing about second chances: They often come with lots of conditions. Like ... I"ll take you back, but ... Or, here's your license, but ... Or, We'll give you the money to rebuild the house, but ...

Which is why all the crap that Phil tacked onto the start of this season of Amazing Race last night was so awesome. Because those 11 returning teams - folks who had blown a chance to win somehow in a past season - thought they were just going to run another race. But oh no ...

First, who's back (and I disagree with some of these choices and am thrilled by others): Jet and Cord, (the CowBros); Margie and Luke (the Signers); Amanda and Chris (dating); Flight Time and Big Easy (the Globetrotters); Mel and Mike (father and son); Kent and Vyxxsin (Goths); Gary and Mallory (the Kentuckys); Keisha and Jen (the Sistahs); Zev and Justin (BFFs); Ron and Christina (father and daughter); Jaimie and Kara (the PomPoms).

So they are gathered on a wind farm - a cold wind farm based on what everyone looks like - and Phil is all, hey welcome back and by the way ...
1. First team to finish this leg gets the Express Pass, which was introduced last season and which gives the team a bye whenever they want it;
2. Phil has the clues and you have to know that Qantas flies to Australia to get it (anyone who's seen Rain Man knows this, people);
3. Last team to get the clue from Phil gets an automatic U-Turn.

Oh! Those are some fine fine-print conditions.

A shocking number of people don't know that Queensland is in Australia or that Qantas flies there. Eight teams led by Mel and Mike get on the first plane and have a 90-minute lead. Amanda and Chris get the U-Turn, which is what tripped them up the last time they were in the Race.

But then, someone onboard the first flight has a heart attack and the plane is diverted to Hawaii and this is hilarious because some poor schmo is freaking dying on this aircraft and all these 16 people can do is think, "Oh no! We aren't first!" Finally, Big Easy steps up and says the most important thing is the guy isn't dead, but you can tell he doesn't mean it.

So Plane 2 becomes Plane 1, and Amanda and Chris, the Sistahs, and Gary and Mallory are now in the lead. They take a train and then a ferry into downtown Sydney and then they go to an aquarium and into the shark tank to get a compass. This is cool and even though you know that Bertram van Munster wouldn't let anyone actually get eaten, it is terrifying.

From there they must do a word puzzle with nautical flags and sail an awesome boat with awesome Aussie sailors and that looks so fun, one of those beautiful Race moments, and holy smokes, Gary and Mallory are first! But we've been down that road before.

It's not a pit stop, says Phil, wearing Crocodile Dundee's hat and looking cuter than the Aussie lifeguard who is shirtless next to him. Here's your next clue. The CowBros are struggling in last place, inexplicably not finishing the puzzle every single time and ... see you next week!

American Idol: Hurray for Hollywood!

Ryan tells us that we are all on an epic journey, and I believe him because Ryan Seacrest would never overstate anything. Like, when he says that this year's talent pool is the best ever, well, I know they forced him to say that.

There are twice as many kids in Hollywood this year, more than 300, but JLo's skin and Steven Tyler's hair are up to the challenge. In the first round, everyone sings a capella and the judges are supposed to give no feedback, but Steven cannot help himself, and he hoots and hollers and bangs his glass like he's at the best wedding reception ever.

They come out 10 at a time, sing, and then ... sudden death. See? Ryan is just telling it like it is.

Up first is Florida's version of Carrot Top, except I should'nt call him that because Brett Loewenstern has been picked on his whole life. So I apologize. He sings Let It Be and he's good.

Then it's Rachel Zevita, Thia Megia, Casey Abrams (he's the bearded, fuzzy guy) and they are all through. Victoria Huggins, that little perky thing form the South, is out.

Paris Tassin is the one who had the baby, James Durbin is the one with Tourette's, Lauren Alaina is the one who is the girl version of Steven Tyler and Stormi Henley is the Miss USA. The first three are in, Stormi is out. Thank goodness.

Chris Medina is that round faced guy whose girlfriend was in that terrible accident. He is in.

Jacee Badeaux, that chubby 15-year-old from Louisiana, continues to sing like an angel. Robbie Rosen is another one who went through some trauma or another, and Hollie Cavanaugh was the crier. They are in. Steve Beghun, the giant accountant, is out. This is good, since his Idol journey would've undoubtedly been very awkward.

Rob Bolin and Chelsea Oaks, the ex-couple, are both still in and Rob is one of my early favorites. I love this kid's voice and I love his sense of irony. His ex-girlfriend, not so much.

Nick Fink and Jacqueline Dunford are the prom king and queen, except he's out and she's in. He looks like he wants to smother her in her sleep with a pillow.

Scotty "Ears" McCreery remains in with that ridiculous country voice, Jackie Wilson, Jerome Bell, Tiffany Rios (she had the stars on her boobs in NJ); they are all in. Homeless kid Travis Orlando is sent back to skid row.

June Bug is in, Colombian Julie Zarilla, the Gutierrez brothers, that White House intern from Harvard, and EMILY ANNE REED.

Next week, group sing. It's like Christmas!!!

American Idol: Back to the Land of Lambert

So Idol goes back to San Francisco, where they found Adam Lambert, except that was when Kara DioGuardio and Paula were, you know, relevant to the process. The first one now lives in Maine and makes blueberry hotcakes for a living and the second one recently had a season finale of a show that no one noticed.

But no matter. It's season 10, and let's all breath a sigh of relief that Sir Nigel convinced Fox that after this number of years, we the audience simply cannot take two-hour cattle call shows anymore. It's just too much of the same old same old.

But even this hour is almost unbearable. I mean, it opens with a girl who may or may not have farted during her audition, includes a flock of birds crapping all over the contestants, and an insane Ukrainian named Inessa who claimed she was 22 but was quite likely 11. And she had a mail order husband. Or he had a mail order wife. Or they met each other at the shipping dock.

Then we meet Brittany Mazur, from Tucson, and she sings Mercy. Fine. Cara Johnston. Fine. Matthew Nuss, with his bad Keith Urban hair, fine. Stefano Longone, almost died in a car crash, fine. Clint "Junebug" Jun Gamboa, whose day job is working the karaoke machine in a bar - if you can even imagine a job worse than working the counter at a 7-11 that would be it - and he has Mr. Magoo glasses and is fine.

I don't care about any of them.

Then Kenneth Berba is bad, in ears, and Weston Lee Smith is so bad he actually apologizes to the judges, and Drew Beaumier arrives in a homemade Transformer costume. Awesome, but can't sing.

Then there's a batch of good girls, none of whom I even notice, and then Julie Zorilla from Colombia, who is gorgeous. But I don' think she sings as well as they think she sings, and she certainly doesn't sing Summertime as well as Fantasia did. Randy is an idiot.

Dave Combs has long hair and is bad; Rick Deschamp wears a fedora and is bad, David Johnston has long hair and is bad, Sabrina Corbett is dressed like a cop.

And then, like this nutty show does, Emily Anne Reed arrives on the scene and thank you! Thank you Emily Anne! She has this crazy voice, kind of like Norah Jones but not really. She is quirky and awesome and adorable and slovenly enough so that JLo does not feel threatened. LOVE HER!

And then we get Lambert 2.0, in the form of James Durbin, who has Tourette's and Asperger's and a little baby and no job and a father who OD when he was 9. Oh, and he can sing.

American Idol: Did They Find The 'One' In Nashville?

In the long and storied history of American Idol, has a judge's (or judges') early favorite ever won? As a self-professed (and slightly pathetic) expert, I can definitively say, "no." It has never happened. In fact, 99 percent of the time, the judges have ultimately been quite surprised by the Idol America eventually picks.

So while we can all agree that 15-year-old Lauren Alaina from Rossville, Ga., has big hair and a big voice and a sweetly big personality, we can also agree that not only is this sucker far from over, but it is grossly premature for Steven Tyler or anyone else to be declaring a winner.

So there.

But let's not pull a Memento and start at the end. Let's rewind to the beginning of the hour in Nashville.

First up is Darius Thomas from Birmingham, Ala., and he is awful. But here's my new favorite thing: When Steven Tyler blinks, pauses, blinks, pauses, and then says with those magnificent lips, "Wow." Love it.

We are not just in Nashville tonight - we are not just in the Grand Old Opry - we are in the Ryman Auditorium, which is like the Graceland of the Grand Old Opry (and for the record, I've been there and it's kind of dumpy and smells a little like a wet dog).

Ryan in the voice over is throwing around the C word like crazy - Carrie Underwood. Except of course she came from Oklahoma. Ryan does not sweat the details.

We start with Christine McCaffrey from West Palm Beach. She is like a Disney Princess, if there were one that cleaned teeth. She scares the judges right away (I love the camaraderie that is forming on the judges panel - JLo braces herself against the two men). Alarmingly she sings through her nose and also through her insanity. She's a no.

Then come Rob Bolin and Chelsea Oaks and they are like the Hodgins and Angela of Idol. They fell in love, sang together, she realized he was a dweeb and dumped him, has led him on ever since, and here they are. JLo wants to reunite them, they sing together and it is lovely, they sing solo and it is lovely, and since Idol cannot resist potential drama, they are both through to Hollywood. Oh dear.

Allen Lewis from Franklin Furnace, Ohio is all tatted up and bandanna-ed and he sings Skynrd's Simple Man in a most horrific and heartfelt way. Cliches literally pour out of this man's mouth but he clearly believes each one and so good for him. Hollywood? Not so much.

Stormi Henley (with an "i" for God's sake, she swears it is on her birth certificate) was Miss Teen USA and has pictures to prove it. She is wearing a sundress and cowboy boots, which only she and actresses from Friday Night Lights can pull off, and she sings OK. Randy and Steven put her through. JLo hilariously calls her voice "small," (pot meet kettle) and oh, God, whatever. She doesn't sing worse than Lee Dewyze.

Adrienne Beasley is a black woman from Kentucky who was adopted by adorable white people, and so had somewhat of a hard time growing up on the farm. She sings beautifully and will go to Hollywood.

Kameela Merricks is 28, which makes her old, and sings horribly, which makes her bad.

Speaking of bad, there's Polina Kozhikov, Patrick Counts and LaToya "Youngique" Moore. This is called "killing time."

Jackie Wilson is also 28, which also makes her old, but she can sing. Her boyfriend is 83 and Ryan almost drops to the floor when they kiss, as he thought boyfriend was "dad."

Questionable approvals tonight are named Paul McDonald (he sang Maggie like wet spaghetti) and Jimmie Allen (I can't even remember what he sang). Better was orange-picker Danny Pate, who led the group in a singalong to Poppa Was A Rolling Stone. On playback, the judges sang more than he did.

Matt Dillard is 27 (old) and his parents have had 700 foster children, many with special needs. He is wearing a wife beater under his overalls, and one of those greasy hats like Bret Michaels wears. Plus, horrendous facial hair. He sings just like Josh Groban, which is kind of weird considering. The judges, torn, put him through.

And then Lauren Alaina closes us out, and Steven is all, "she's the ONE" except you know and I know that she isn't, because once America gets its hands on this competition, all bets are off.

Next week, Austin. They are crazy in Texas, baby.

American Idol: What is this Milwaukee?

So the show opens and I am instantly annoyed because they have reminded me that Danny Gokey came from Milwaukee. It took me two years to wipe that guy out of my memory banks and bam! here he is again. Plus, he's been working out.

But I shake it off. It's Idol baby, and Steven Tyler is funny!! J. Lo continues to glow. Randy is ... Randy.

They are doing the judges' part at the Museum of Art, which is beautiful and somehow positioned next to the Pacific Ocean. I'm not sure how that happened. Remember that first season when Randy, Paula and Simon heard Kelly Clarkson sing at the Holiday Inn? Those were some good times.

So first up is Scotty "Ears" McCreery, from Garner, N.C., and he is 16 but sings like he's 50 and owns a bar in west Texas. He is going to Hollywood. He will not win.

Joe Repka is 19, goes to the University of Toledo, and I know he can't sing because Ryan is being nice and feigning an interest in him. He is, in fact, bad. But he has a good sense of humor.

Emma Henry is a 15-year-old from Littleton, Colo., and she's one of those funky 9th graders who has 3 different colors in her hair and wears Chuck Taylors and super skinny jeans. She sings True Colors and she has a cool rasp but Randy tortures her. No worries - it's Hollywood.

Then it's time for a montage of bad, Kody and Juanita and Kamil and Kanisha and more Lady Gaga than is good for the nation in these troubled times. It is offset of course by Naima Adedapo, a gorgeous mother of two who cries at the drop of a hat. It is hard for me to relate to all this emotion, as I have never wanted something like stardom that badly. Or even to sing. Maybe just write a blog that a few folks enjoy. That's all I ask.

She sings Donny Hathaway and is fabulous and way cool. I hope she does well.

Jerome Bell is adorable, from New York City and he sings Marvin Gaye. He usually sings at bar mitzvahs, he says, but probably not Marvin. Maybe though. He sings great and JLo is all praising him and Randy hilariously jumps in with "and all the isms" even though she hadn't said a single ism, and then Steven comes back with "and none of the wisms," whatever that means but he's quick. All those drugs and the dude is still quick. Jerome goes to Hollywood.

Now starts the parade of 15-year-olds, led off by Thia Megia, who sings Mumble Mumble by Mumble. She has a nice voice, they love her and they love others in her age bracket. Hollywood is going to be crawling with chaperones, and if this keeps up there will be wall-to-wall tutors once we get to the Big Stage.

They spend an eternity on poor Nathaniel Jones, who is a Civil War re-enacter (did they have the Civil War in Wisconsin?) and by the way can't sing. But we knew that. And they knew that. This is old-school mean Idol. He sings The Lion Sleeps Tonight exactly the way I do at karaoke when we've been doing shots of Cuervo.

Mason Wilkinson, poor thing, is Hall of Fame-level bad, but not in a funny way so he can be the next William Hung or the Pants on the Ground dude. More like robs an ATM in a couple of years-bad.

Molly DeWolf Swenson has 3 names, went to Harvard, is an intern at the White House and yet is stupid enough to say the words "Monica Lewinsky." Oh, and Randy punched her in the face that morning ... by accident. And she has super model legs. Hate her. She sings Otis Redding, which all the white Harvard girls sing (does Radcliffe even still exist?) and the judges swoon. She might be my Brooke White. Not sure yet. She closes out Day 1.

Day 2, and Randy is bizarrely wearing a sweater with a giant E on it, and JLo has a musical note on her blouse. Oh dear. Haley Reinhart is making her second try after losing out in Chicago last year (Lee DeWyze, anyone remember him?). She sings Oh Darlin', and it's all bluesy and down low and she could totally be the dirty girl this season which puts her on Dr. Drew in ... carry the 2 ... 2017. Randy pretends to remember her and it's off to Hollywood.

Tiwan Strong sings great, looks great and has the most awesome extended family including a tiny aunt with a cramp in her calf. Fabulous. Ryan nearly pees his pants.

Steve Beghun is a giant accountant who has no friends and cannot open doors. He looks like Will Ferrell's big not-funny brother. But he can sing. As Steven Tyler says, he was "disturbingly great." Exactly.

There's more bad, and then there's mean bad, and then funny bad, and then mean again ... blah, blah, blah.

Scott Dangerfield could be the Clay Aiken of 2011, in that he does not look like he will sing great and then he does. Of course, Clay turned out to be the Austin Scarlett of American Idol, so fingers crossed for Scott.

Alyson Jados of Chicago is totally the Allison Iraheta of this go-round, I love this girl and I hope she doesn't turn out to be like that one who started out a rocker and ended up just a screamer, with the streak in her hair. Can't think of her name ... so many of them end up breaking my heart.

Speaking of breaking hearts, just as I was thinking that we made it through two hours with no sob stories, here comes Chris Medina, a sweet-faced pudge who wears his fiance's ring around his neck. Why, we ask? Because two years ago she was in a terrible car accident, two months before the wedding, and she had a brain injury and she is a wheelchair-bound shell of her former self. "What kind of man would I be if I left her when she needed me most?" he asks. And then he sings that great song my kids love, about the best part of me was always you, and of course I am crying because damn this show and it's Gokeyisms. Just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in. Cut that boy's hair and put him in a better shirt and just call him the winner now.

Thursday night, Nashville. Whew.

American Idol: Does Anyone Speak Creole?

Night 2 of Season 10 and we are in New Orleans, where we were in Season 4 (Bo Bice anyone?) when Ryan was young and thin and still ... human.

Speaking of human, I think Jennifer Lopez is not. I think she is from that planet that the show V is about, and that she is the alien charged with blinding the human race with her glowing dewy skin and ridiculous thick hair and outrageously long legs. While we are staring at all that (and I bet she smells really good too, you can always just tell) the rest of her species is bombing the crap out of the White House and annihilating Manhattan. Just a theory.

Anyway, the show is mercifully just an hour tonight, so we race through the Big Easy cliches and get right to Jordan Dorsey, music teacher.

The emphasis in the first two shows is definitely on the good singers, and if they happen to have an awesome sob story attached, well, as Jeff Buckley would say, Hallelujah. Jordan is a good singer who teaches piano to adorable tykes, and he sings Over the Rainbow perfectly and he is so going to Hollywood.

Then comes Sarah Sellers from Texas, she of the red dress and hot booties and librarian glasses and Steven Tyler lips. She knocks them out with subtlety. Bravo. Like her.

Jovany is Cuban, and a shipbuilder, and Snookie might call him gorilla juice. He is bursting out of his dress shirt. He will be the first one sacrificed to JLo's aliens. They like him and then the worst thing ever in the history of American Idol - and yes, that includes Kevin Covais - happens: Randy Jackson shows us his belly. Thank goodness the children were already in bed.

Speaking of Randy, young Jacqueline arrives with his high school yearbook, in which he looks like Linc from Mod Squad, and her uncle was his football coach and there's a reunion. She sings, I'll Stand By You, and they put her through. She won't last though. She's pretty in a Katherine McPhee way.

Then comes Brett, and I swear if I were a cynic I'd think Idol combed the south looking for this boy, he is Glee's Kurt come to AI, all Carrot Top hair and bad skin. He's the most outcast of all the outcasts, he's only 16, and if I did not know they had taped this long before Chris Colfer's Golden Globes speech last Sunday, I'd accuse them of plagiarism. But guess what? He can really truly sing. Oh, and guess who he sings? Freddie Mercury. Yeah, I'm sure that was his idea.

Gabriel has won Steven Tyler lookalike contests but to me he is Spencer from iCarly. He sings Bad Romance. Just like Spencer would've.

And then Jacee comes in, and I swear this has turned into a Very Special Blossom, because he's pudgy and round faced and 15-but-looks-12. And the judges tease him a little. Oh yeah? He's got some Otis Redding for them. Oh, and he sings like an angel. From heaven. Hello Hollywood.

Speaking of after school specials, our last contestant, Paris, is a lovely 23 year old single mother who went ahead with her pregnancy at 18 even though the doctors told her the baby had a birth defect. Mom can sing, little girl is adorable, JLo weeps (but I think the tears are a signal for the aliens to load up the ships) and we're done. 37 hopefuls added to Wednesday night's 54, and next week - I am not making this up - Milwaukee.

American Idol: Tenth Time's A Charm

With all the changes that American Idol went through between its ninth and its 10th seasons, one thing was perfectly clear after Wednesday night's premiere: They still love the montage.

So we open, of course, with the Summer of 2010 montage, the barrage of press about who would replace Simon and Ellen and Kara, and OMG it's Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez joining Randy Jackson at the judges' table (and really, Ryan must get so steamed that it's all about them in the voice over, because he knows, just like he knows we know, that he is the engine that drives this Titanic). But wait, who's that skinny guy with the hat? Oh, it's record producer Jimmy Iovine, he has replaced the crypt keeper Clive Davis (thank goodness for that really, if nothing else) and aren't we ready to just burn down this Idol house ...

In the intro JLo says she is doing this because she can change someone's life - as opposed to, you know, Habitat for Humanity or something - and Steven Tyler inexplicably wants to find the Janis Joplin of the 21st century. Because that worked out so well for Janis.

And the first auditions are in Jersey City, N.J., which may or may not be a metaphor for the season, only time will tell. The inevitable Jersey Shore shenanigans ensue.

Up first is Rachel, who crapped out in Hollywood in Season 6, which I think is when Jordin Sparks won, or maybe Robin Sparkles, I get them confused. Anyway, JLo says she remembers her ... as if, but the girl buys it, and she sings and it's good and she's through.

The next boy is Caleb and he sings this great bluesy song and Steven Tyler loses his mind and I am declaring right now my love for Steven Tyler. Dude is funny. And sharp. Just a tad less of that Aerosmith scream, and we'll be perfect.

Then there's Kenzie, she's 15 - new rule - and she's through and adorable in her gladiator sandals. Then the first bad one, a poor thing named Achille with a heavy accent and a tin ear. JLo demonstrates her physical inability to say the word "no," which finally explains how she ended up married to Marc Anthony.

Then Tiffany the JLo stalker cries, but she's actually good, and Steven Tyler makes me laugh out loud.

Robbie Rosen has this long involved story about being in a wheelchair when he was little - God, I hate when they do this and there is a ton of it tonight - but now that he's 16 (and mad about the new 15-year-old rule) it turns out he's the Jewish Paul McCartney with a hint of Kris Allen and he's through. Of course none of this really matters because history has taught us that we never see the eventual winner in these clips.

Ashley from Springfield, Mass., is very, very caffeinated, she may have been the beta tester for that new size at Starbuck's, and while she is the exact kind of contestant that I know I will grow to despise, I root for her here and my 12-year-old declares her the favorite. Ashley sings Thoroughly Modern Millie on crank, weeps and sobs and falls to her knees, and wants pop to get Liza Minelli. The judges are so confused that they put her through, and Steven Tyler stands and vows to mold her into ... I'm not sure what just happened, but I sense a Siobhan Magnus sprouting before our eyes.

Victoria Huggens is helium-level cute, and at 16 she should probably just put Dr. Drew on her speed dial right now, because this sweet thing will be eaten alive by this show.

Melinda from Kosovo (wheelchair, refugee, seriously Idol?) sings Alicia Keyes because we've never heard that before, and gets through. Devyn the singing waitress will go to Hollywood but only if she promises to buy some eyeliner and a hair flattener. Oh, and did you know that Briell from Staten Island's dad had throat cancer? It's like a telethon here.

But we haven't seen anything yet (except for the weird Japanese guy who unfortunately led us into the Party in the USA montage) because they saved Travis from the Bronx for last. His whole family lived in a shelter where people set up memorials outside for those gunned down in the streets. You think you've got it tough, Randy? Anyway, he sings Eleanor Rigby really annoyingly and Steven makes him sing something else (Jason Mraz) and guess what? He's through and everyone cries. Except me, because I've seen all this before.

So, Idol's back, and in some ways it's different (a confident, alpha-dog-like Randy Jackson) and in other ways it's the same old ball and chain we come home to every night. But I like Steven Tyler, and I don't hate JLo. So we'll see ...