The Amazing Race 17: Vicki's Terrible, Horrible, Really Bad Day

There have been, in the annals of AR history, some truly terrible men. There was the King of All Bad Guys, Jonathan, who was so abusive to his anorexic wife Victoria that Phil almost had to take him out on a mat. There was Colin, who screamed across a field to his girlfriend that he hated her guts, and then later claimed he was talking to a cow. And there was Freddy, who was a stupid jerk but was out-badded by his dim bulb girlfriend.

And after last night's episode, Nick AKA the male half of The Dumbs, gets to join those ranks.

I mean, Nick has never been a likable guy in this race. In Africa he had several hissy fits. Plus, any guy who criticizes his girlfriend for having an asthma attack probably deserves coal in his stocking on an annual basis. But last night, during the leg in Hong Kong, Nick really proved himself a True Douche Bag.

Our top four find themselves making their way from Bangladesh to Hong Kong, riding buses and ferries as they gather up their clues, and it is right from the start that The Dumbs begin to fall apart. As they are racing for the ferry, Vicki has an asthma attack and cannot run. Hence they miss the boat, and are a half hour behind everyone else. Nick berates her endlessly. He is stupid, but he knows which words to choose, and she cries.

The other three teams are pretty close throughout, and they get to the first challenge, which is really genius. Of course there is karaoke, but there is also boatloads of sushi and awesome fake food. You know those plastic desserts that restaurants use in their display cases? Hong Kong makes those. The challenge is to find the one piece of fake food among all the real food. And if it's real and you've touched it, then you've got to eat it.

So Thomas does it, and one of the Docs, and then the brunette half of the MelonHeads, who really needs to get the Good Sportsmanship Award at this point. So they eat and eat and eat and poke and poke and poke and the Docs are the first done, and then Thomas, and still the Melon is eating. And eating. And eating. And then she pukes. Gallons. But, as Claire points out, she has to soldier on. Claire is really good at getting people to do things they don't want to do. I cannot imagine how many ceramic garden gnomes she has sold on the shopping channel. Because when she tells you to do something, it just makes sense. "Keep puking," she tells her buddy.

Of course, as soon as Brook vomits, she finds the fake food and off they go. Vickie also struggles with this, and vomits, and Nick wants to quit. Vickie refuses, finds the fake food, and they are back in it, but you can see from Nick's body language that he has cashed it in.

Meanwhile, the next challenge is Sampan or Ding Ding. The Firsts choose Ding Ding in which they must spot three signs amid the 1,000,000 on a street. Impossible and they quit. Sampan involves taking two parakeets out into the harbor and finding a boat with a matching number. In the dark. Amidst hundreds of them. Needle, meet haystack.

But it is not insurmountable, and the Docs end up first, the Firsts end up second, and the Melons are third. A far, far, far distant fourth are the Dumbs. She wanted to keep trying he gave up. So they decide to take the 6 hour penalty for not finishing, and when they arrive, Phil tells them that it is a non-elimination round. So, they are hours and hours behind the other teams. Then they have the 6 hour penalty plus the Speed Bump.

I don't like the episodes of AR when the Monster Men rear their ugly heads. This was one of them.

Dancing with the Stars: Does perfection matter?

Just for the record, I voted five times for Kyle Massey on Dancing with the Stars: just now. That's right. Cast my five ballots at 6:13 a.m. Why, you ask? Because last night I could not get through on the phone lines and the website did not work. Can you say right wing conspiracy?

Of course I kid. About the conspiracy, I mean. Sort of.

But it's been that kind of season on DWTS, with the Hoff and Michael Bolton starting things off with massive public humiliation, Bristol Palin turning into Taylor Hicks about halfway through, Brandy getting the biggest comeuppance of her comeback, and a B-list Disney tween star named Kyle becoming a national hero.

Or maybe it's Jennifer Grey's transformation into someone who actually likes being in the spotlight. I don't know. All I know is, this is crazy. Like Melanie Griffith in the house-level crazy.

Two dances last night: the Redemption dance chosen by the judges and then the awesome freestyle. Tonight they will each do two more dances, judges scores only, and then we get the winner.

Kyle and Lacey open with the foxtrot, which last time around was an ill-advised disco number and this time is lovely and conventional. Kyle is terrific. The video package in which he foxtrots with Len is classic. Len looks good on the dance floor. They get a 27.

Then Bristol and Mark will redo their gorilla jive, and I am so distracted by the shoes she is wearing that I almost forget to watch. The judges swoon. 27.

Jennifer and Derek get the paso doble, which, if you recall, was the low point for Baby this season. This time it is all about control. Derek is much a man-child sometimes I can't stand it. I want to kiss him and rock him to sleep all at the same time. The judges go crazy - another 30! - and little old Joel Grey is beside himself in the audience.

Now for the freestyle. Lacey has thought of every trick in the book. They are doing it to Tootsie Roll, which is course makes perfect sense when you think about it. I'm just saying that. It is, however, ridiculous and hilarious and awesome and they get a 29 and I am smiling.

Mark chooses that Catherine Zeta-Jones number form Chicago. I guess there are no DVD players in Alaska because Bristol has never heard of Chicago, never seen Chicago, has no idea. Hell, even I have seen Chicago. My friend Kathleen and I ate and entire apple pie while watching it in my family room.

Bristol is dancing in a cage and then all over the place and the Carrie Ann says "cage" like 40 times and they give them a 25.

Then Jennifer (let's not forget she had neck surgery/tumor/etc) and Derek do the dirty dancing number form Dirty Dancing (let's not forget that Patrick Swayze died) and it's OK, I definitely think Kyle's is better, but the judges give them another 30.

So the question becomes: How will America's votes add together with tonight's judging scores? Will Bristol win, becoming the person who perhaps needed it the most but deserved it the least? Will Jennifer win, becoming the first woman of a certain age to do so? Or will Kyle take the disco ball, becoming the John O'Hurley of the competition?

I have no idea.

The Amazing Race 17: Is It Hot In Here?

So we go from the dry heat of Oman to the sopping wet hot stench of Bangladesh. This was a brutal leg of the race, even by brutal leg standards. A DOUBLE U-Turn! Oh, Bertram, you evil genius.

So there are a lot of airport shenanigans at the start and for once they all mean something. The Docs are so far behind everyone else (almost five hours) that they simply hop a plane to Dubai and they will figure it all out from there. Everyone else thinks they are on the same plane that will land in Bangladesh at noon, so newly engaged and glowing Rings head off for burgers and shakes. But The Firsts hang in there and lo and behold, their counter guy finds them a better flight! Even better, they get the last two seats!

The Dumbs and the MelonHeads also stick around, and the Dumbs land a better flight but the Melons lose out, and are stuck on the Noon Flight To Last Place with the now full (but screwed) Rings. All of this to some degree sets up the rest of the episode in terms of Double U-Turning, etc.

Once in Bangladesh they must find yet another fetid open-air market (this year's favorite place), make some juice, drink the juice, and then do the Detour. Choices are: bring 30 tins of snacks out to a boat or carry 100 bricks on your head. My 9-year-old and I assume everyone will do the food one, but no! The Firsts opt for the bricks and they bang out that sucker. Even Stick-Armed Never Went To College Girl.

The Firsts are so far ahead of everyone it is like they are in their own show. They wisely opt to U-Turn the Melons, and then move on to the Roadblock, in which the girl must build a rickshaw. Again, she bangs it out and off they go to Phil. And he gives them 15 THOUSAND DOLLARS. It's why we call it amazing, kids.

Meanwhile, back with everyone else, they all drink their juice and they all opt for the meal delivery. The Dumbs are next to the U-Turn board, but Dumb Girl goes all Zen and they don't hit anyone. When the Docs get there, they only have one choice to U-Turn and they do it: The Rings.

This is where the race gets really grueling and I think no one was exaggerating when they said they were going to pass out or throw up or could not feel their "extremities" (LOL). But the Rings and the Melons soldiered through, and in the end, the Melons eked it out and the Rings went home, engaged to be married but still technically losers.

This might be it, friends. This might be the season that an all-female team wins Amazing Race. I'm rooting for the MelonHeads.

Dancing with the Stars: The Power of the Palin

Wow.

Holy smokes.

Really?

Wow.

The only person on the planet more in shock than Bristol Palin last night on the ouster episode of Dancing with the Stars was Brandy. Girlfriend was In. Shock. It would've been funny if it hadn't been so, well, shocking.

What is going on here? Why is Bristol Palin, clearly the least proficient of the last six celebrities on this season of Dancing with the Stars, in the final? The final! Not Rick Fox. Not Kurt Warner. Not Brandy. Bristol Palin.

Now, we could armchair analyze all this, trying to figure out if it is a right wing conspiracy, an Alaska conspiracy, an anti-Obama movement, whatever. I say why bother? She's the Taylor Hicks of Dancing with the Stars. Move on.

Let's focus instead on who I hope becomes the winner of this crazy mixed up Season 11. His name is Kyle Massey, and he is a roly-poly adorable and hilarious bundle of extended arms and pointed toes. I love this kid, and I love his partnership with the coarse and unrefined Lacey Schwimmer and I am really, really hoping that he takes that disco ball. It would be a big win for the Unskinny.

As a woman of a certain age I suppose I should be rooting for Jennifer Grey, and honestly, I am glad to see her do this well (and how adorable is her husband?) but I want Kyle to win it.

As for Bristol, I'm glad for her that she has had this opportunity to succeed in what I think is a life that has so far not had much success. I'm glad that this has given her some confidence in herself (which was clearly lacking). But I'm not so glad for her that I want her to prevail. Because if you take away all the back story and all the politics and all the whatever-the-hell-is-happening here, she does not deserve to be where she is.

What did you think of last night's shocking ouster? And how great is Annie Lennox?

The Amazing Race 17: Sensory Overload

Norway to St. Petersburg, but not the St. Pete where my Aunt Henrietta spent her golden years, the one where the czars used to live. It's planes, trains and automobiles to get there, with lots of bunching (sorry Howard).

Upon arrival the Detour is either classical music or classic cinema, and both involve such ridiculous sensory overload that it may actually constitute torture. More teams opt for the cacophony of the music challenge, which seems bizarre to me, but there is mucho switcherooing as they become frustrated. The whole thing is an exercise in frustration for many of them. This is kind of a boring challenge to watch but it is an evil-genius challenge to think up, as it strains their eyes, their ears, their brains and their patience. The MelonHeads and the WhoTubes emerge first.

The Roadblock is one of those challenges that on the surface pays tribute to a certain foreign lifestyle but in reality is mocking it. Dressing up like a babushka and planting potatoes while surrounded by real babushkas cheerleading in Russian is not compelling.

In the end the Formerly Firsts are first again, and he has new found respect for his beleaguered and non-college educated girlfriend because she can plant potatoes faster than anybody. The MelonHeads are second, and could it be that these two will be the first all-female team to win AR? Maybe. They show remarkable fortitude.

The WhoTubes are third, but they should've been second, except the son will never be able to listen to the dad because he thinks his dad is an idiot. And luckily for us, the Docs fall back to fourth. They will not be the first all-female team to win AR.

The Dumbs end up last, but they are kinder, gentler Dumbs because he did not blow his stack at her despite their inability to do the music challenge, the movie challenge and then finally back to the music challenge, where they eventually prevailed because she breathed in blue and breathed out pink. He said he "took a little Ghana" with him, and honestly, if doing this race makes this douche bag a nicer person, then I'm all for it. Bertram van Munster, changing the world one dysfunctional relationship at a time.

Luckily though Phil tells them it is non-elimination, making it the second one already, and they will have a Speed Bump in the next leg. These two won't win, that's for sure, but I have to say she is growing on me. I still don't have a clear favorite, this far along. How about you?