American Idol: Back to the Land of Lambert

So Idol goes back to San Francisco, where they found Adam Lambert, except that was when Kara DioGuardio and Paula were, you know, relevant to the process. The first one now lives in Maine and makes blueberry hotcakes for a living and the second one recently had a season finale of a show that no one noticed.

But no matter. It's season 10, and let's all breath a sigh of relief that Sir Nigel convinced Fox that after this number of years, we the audience simply cannot take two-hour cattle call shows anymore. It's just too much of the same old same old.

But even this hour is almost unbearable. I mean, it opens with a girl who may or may not have farted during her audition, includes a flock of birds crapping all over the contestants, and an insane Ukrainian named Inessa who claimed she was 22 but was quite likely 11. And she had a mail order husband. Or he had a mail order wife. Or they met each other at the shipping dock.

Then we meet Brittany Mazur, from Tucson, and she sings Mercy. Fine. Cara Johnston. Fine. Matthew Nuss, with his bad Keith Urban hair, fine. Stefano Longone, almost died in a car crash, fine. Clint "Junebug" Jun Gamboa, whose day job is working the karaoke machine in a bar - if you can even imagine a job worse than working the counter at a 7-11 that would be it - and he has Mr. Magoo glasses and is fine.

I don't care about any of them.

Then Kenneth Berba is bad, in ears, and Weston Lee Smith is so bad he actually apologizes to the judges, and Drew Beaumier arrives in a homemade Transformer costume. Awesome, but can't sing.

Then there's a batch of good girls, none of whom I even notice, and then Julie Zorilla from Colombia, who is gorgeous. But I don' think she sings as well as they think she sings, and she certainly doesn't sing Summertime as well as Fantasia did. Randy is an idiot.

Dave Combs has long hair and is bad; Rick Deschamp wears a fedora and is bad, David Johnston has long hair and is bad, Sabrina Corbett is dressed like a cop.

And then, like this nutty show does, Emily Anne Reed arrives on the scene and thank you! Thank you Emily Anne! She has this crazy voice, kind of like Norah Jones but not really. She is quirky and awesome and adorable and slovenly enough so that JLo does not feel threatened. LOVE HER!

And then we get Lambert 2.0, in the form of James Durbin, who has Tourette's and Asperger's and a little baby and no job and a father who OD when he was 9. Oh, and he can sing.