American Idol: What is this Milwaukee?

So the show opens and I am instantly annoyed because they have reminded me that Danny Gokey came from Milwaukee. It took me two years to wipe that guy out of my memory banks and bam! here he is again. Plus, he's been working out.

But I shake it off. It's Idol baby, and Steven Tyler is funny!! J. Lo continues to glow. Randy is ... Randy.

They are doing the judges' part at the Museum of Art, which is beautiful and somehow positioned next to the Pacific Ocean. I'm not sure how that happened. Remember that first season when Randy, Paula and Simon heard Kelly Clarkson sing at the Holiday Inn? Those were some good times.

So first up is Scotty "Ears" McCreery, from Garner, N.C., and he is 16 but sings like he's 50 and owns a bar in west Texas. He is going to Hollywood. He will not win.

Joe Repka is 19, goes to the University of Toledo, and I know he can't sing because Ryan is being nice and feigning an interest in him. He is, in fact, bad. But he has a good sense of humor.

Emma Henry is a 15-year-old from Littleton, Colo., and she's one of those funky 9th graders who has 3 different colors in her hair and wears Chuck Taylors and super skinny jeans. She sings True Colors and she has a cool rasp but Randy tortures her. No worries - it's Hollywood.

Then it's time for a montage of bad, Kody and Juanita and Kamil and Kanisha and more Lady Gaga than is good for the nation in these troubled times. It is offset of course by Naima Adedapo, a gorgeous mother of two who cries at the drop of a hat. It is hard for me to relate to all this emotion, as I have never wanted something like stardom that badly. Or even to sing. Maybe just write a blog that a few folks enjoy. That's all I ask.

She sings Donny Hathaway and is fabulous and way cool. I hope she does well.

Jerome Bell is adorable, from New York City and he sings Marvin Gaye. He usually sings at bar mitzvahs, he says, but probably not Marvin. Maybe though. He sings great and JLo is all praising him and Randy hilariously jumps in with "and all the isms" even though she hadn't said a single ism, and then Steven comes back with "and none of the wisms," whatever that means but he's quick. All those drugs and the dude is still quick. Jerome goes to Hollywood.

Now starts the parade of 15-year-olds, led off by Thia Megia, who sings Mumble Mumble by Mumble. She has a nice voice, they love her and they love others in her age bracket. Hollywood is going to be crawling with chaperones, and if this keeps up there will be wall-to-wall tutors once we get to the Big Stage.

They spend an eternity on poor Nathaniel Jones, who is a Civil War re-enacter (did they have the Civil War in Wisconsin?) and by the way can't sing. But we knew that. And they knew that. This is old-school mean Idol. He sings The Lion Sleeps Tonight exactly the way I do at karaoke when we've been doing shots of Cuervo.

Mason Wilkinson, poor thing, is Hall of Fame-level bad, but not in a funny way so he can be the next William Hung or the Pants on the Ground dude. More like robs an ATM in a couple of years-bad.

Molly DeWolf Swenson has 3 names, went to Harvard, is an intern at the White House and yet is stupid enough to say the words "Monica Lewinsky." Oh, and Randy punched her in the face that morning ... by accident. And she has super model legs. Hate her. She sings Otis Redding, which all the white Harvard girls sing (does Radcliffe even still exist?) and the judges swoon. She might be my Brooke White. Not sure yet. She closes out Day 1.

Day 2, and Randy is bizarrely wearing a sweater with a giant E on it, and JLo has a musical note on her blouse. Oh dear. Haley Reinhart is making her second try after losing out in Chicago last year (Lee DeWyze, anyone remember him?). She sings Oh Darlin', and it's all bluesy and down low and she could totally be the dirty girl this season which puts her on Dr. Drew in ... carry the 2 ... 2017. Randy pretends to remember her and it's off to Hollywood.

Tiwan Strong sings great, looks great and has the most awesome extended family including a tiny aunt with a cramp in her calf. Fabulous. Ryan nearly pees his pants.

Steve Beghun is a giant accountant who has no friends and cannot open doors. He looks like Will Ferrell's big not-funny brother. But he can sing. As Steven Tyler says, he was "disturbingly great." Exactly.

There's more bad, and then there's mean bad, and then funny bad, and then mean again ... blah, blah, blah.

Scott Dangerfield could be the Clay Aiken of 2011, in that he does not look like he will sing great and then he does. Of course, Clay turned out to be the Austin Scarlett of American Idol, so fingers crossed for Scott.

Alyson Jados of Chicago is totally the Allison Iraheta of this go-round, I love this girl and I hope she doesn't turn out to be like that one who started out a rocker and ended up just a screamer, with the streak in her hair. Can't think of her name ... so many of them end up breaking my heart.

Speaking of breaking hearts, just as I was thinking that we made it through two hours with no sob stories, here comes Chris Medina, a sweet-faced pudge who wears his fiance's ring around his neck. Why, we ask? Because two years ago she was in a terrible car accident, two months before the wedding, and she had a brain injury and she is a wheelchair-bound shell of her former self. "What kind of man would I be if I left her when she needed me most?" he asks. And then he sings that great song my kids love, about the best part of me was always you, and of course I am crying because damn this show and it's Gokeyisms. Just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in. Cut that boy's hair and put him in a better shirt and just call him the winner now.

Thursday night, Nashville. Whew.