American Idol: Tenth Time's A Charm

With all the changes that American Idol went through between its ninth and its 10th seasons, one thing was perfectly clear after Wednesday night's premiere: They still love the montage.

So we open, of course, with the Summer of 2010 montage, the barrage of press about who would replace Simon and Ellen and Kara, and OMG it's Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez joining Randy Jackson at the judges' table (and really, Ryan must get so steamed that it's all about them in the voice over, because he knows, just like he knows we know, that he is the engine that drives this Titanic). But wait, who's that skinny guy with the hat? Oh, it's record producer Jimmy Iovine, he has replaced the crypt keeper Clive Davis (thank goodness for that really, if nothing else) and aren't we ready to just burn down this Idol house ...

In the intro JLo says she is doing this because she can change someone's life - as opposed to, you know, Habitat for Humanity or something - and Steven Tyler inexplicably wants to find the Janis Joplin of the 21st century. Because that worked out so well for Janis.

And the first auditions are in Jersey City, N.J., which may or may not be a metaphor for the season, only time will tell. The inevitable Jersey Shore shenanigans ensue.

Up first is Rachel, who crapped out in Hollywood in Season 6, which I think is when Jordin Sparks won, or maybe Robin Sparkles, I get them confused. Anyway, JLo says she remembers her ... as if, but the girl buys it, and she sings and it's good and she's through.

The next boy is Caleb and he sings this great bluesy song and Steven Tyler loses his mind and I am declaring right now my love for Steven Tyler. Dude is funny. And sharp. Just a tad less of that Aerosmith scream, and we'll be perfect.

Then there's Kenzie, she's 15 - new rule - and she's through and adorable in her gladiator sandals. Then the first bad one, a poor thing named Achille with a heavy accent and a tin ear. JLo demonstrates her physical inability to say the word "no," which finally explains how she ended up married to Marc Anthony.

Then Tiffany the JLo stalker cries, but she's actually good, and Steven Tyler makes me laugh out loud.

Robbie Rosen has this long involved story about being in a wheelchair when he was little - God, I hate when they do this and there is a ton of it tonight - but now that he's 16 (and mad about the new 15-year-old rule) it turns out he's the Jewish Paul McCartney with a hint of Kris Allen and he's through. Of course none of this really matters because history has taught us that we never see the eventual winner in these clips.

Ashley from Springfield, Mass., is very, very caffeinated, she may have been the beta tester for that new size at Starbuck's, and while she is the exact kind of contestant that I know I will grow to despise, I root for her here and my 12-year-old declares her the favorite. Ashley sings Thoroughly Modern Millie on crank, weeps and sobs and falls to her knees, and wants pop to get Liza Minelli. The judges are so confused that they put her through, and Steven Tyler stands and vows to mold her into ... I'm not sure what just happened, but I sense a Siobhan Magnus sprouting before our eyes.

Victoria Huggens is helium-level cute, and at 16 she should probably just put Dr. Drew on her speed dial right now, because this sweet thing will be eaten alive by this show.

Melinda from Kosovo (wheelchair, refugee, seriously Idol?) sings Alicia Keyes because we've never heard that before, and gets through. Devyn the singing waitress will go to Hollywood but only if she promises to buy some eyeliner and a hair flattener. Oh, and did you know that Briell from Staten Island's dad had throat cancer? It's like a telethon here.

But we haven't seen anything yet (except for the weird Japanese guy who unfortunately led us into the Party in the USA montage) because they saved Travis from the Bronx for last. His whole family lived in a shelter where people set up memorials outside for those gunned down in the streets. You think you've got it tough, Randy? Anyway, he sings Eleanor Rigby really annoyingly and Steven makes him sing something else (Jason Mraz) and guess what? He's through and everyone cries. Except me, because I've seen all this before.

So, Idol's back, and in some ways it's different (a confident, alpha-dog-like Randy Jackson) and in other ways it's the same old ball and chain we come home to every night. But I like Steven Tyler, and I don't hate JLo. So we'll see ...