The Amazing Race: Quitters Never, Ever, Ever Win

So we go 5,000 miles from Australia to Japan, and there is the option of a direct flight and the option of one that stops in Hong Kong but arrives 15 minutes earlier. Now, if this was 1968, I'd say, hell, yeah, take the connection. But it's 2011, kids, and when in this day and age does any airplane, anywhere on the planet, ever arrive or leave on time?

And yet, 5 of the teams are dumb enough to opt for the connection. The 15 minutes earlier turns into 90 minutes late, and it's huge for some of the back-in-the-pack teams, like Ron and Christina (Daddy Dearests), who go from last to fourth/third.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, and making reference to the Great Fanny Pack Caper before I've even gotten to the Great Mirror Mashup.

One in Tokyo, the first five teams are the Kentuckys, the Globetrotters, Daddy Dearests, CowBros and the Sistahs. For the Roadblock, one person has to don traditional clothes, make traditional poses, and shoot a traditional arrow from atop a traditional wooden horse. There is so much tradition throughout this episode that I keep waiting for Phil to come out dressed as Tevye the Milkman.

This gig is much harder than it looks, and it takes some teams forever to complete. Meanwhile, the second flight finally arrives, and then while trying to drive out of Tokyo, one of the Poms sideswipes another car and wouldn't you know it, the guy they hit must be gay because he won't just let them get away with it, and insists on calling the Tokyo Po Po. Tick tock ladies.

After the arrow shooting, the Detour options are prayer ritual - which involves freezing cold waterfall water - or frog ritual - which involves freezing cold mud. The Globetrotters and Daddy Dearest take the waterfall and that is when Flight Time accidentally snags the others' fanny pack. But instead of bringing it back to them, they simply leave it in the locker room.

Everyone else goes for the frogs, which involves wearing sheets and having mud hurled at you. It's akin to the needle/haystack thing that Bertram loves so much, and Mike and Mel become the Lena and Kristy of this season, eventually quitting because they could not find the frog and they could not stop shaking. I should point out two things:
1. Lena and Kristy never quit in season 6, and Phil had to go out into the hay field and tell them to stop and 2. Mel did not want to stop, it was Mike who quit. He claimed "it was for dad," but that is bull. Mike is a weenie. Mel is a ninja. A 70-year-old ninja.

So Zev and Justin are first again, and the Globetrotters got bumped from third to fourth because the Daddy Dearests complained (love Phil as Judge and Jury!). The Poms stayed in by the skin of their teeth, and Mike and Mel live to hug another day, just not in the Race. All in all a satisfying episode. Next week, more teams lose their minds.

American Idol: Top 12 Girls

The question that I need answered is this: What are those feathers on Steven Tyler’s head attached to? Are they braided into his hair? Are they hanging from his ear lobes? Are they stapled to his scalp? This is the question that is keeping me up these nights.

The boys were so horrible in general last night that I am now officially glad we are going straight from 24 to 12, because really, you need to just rip off the Band-Aid. Don’t torture us.

Steven and JLo proved last night that they are suffering from that Season 1 Judge Disease that renders them unable to say anything remotely critical, even when it is obvious to all the rest of us that a performance was horrendous. Cursing doesn’t make you a tough guy, Steven. Telling the truth does. Man up. Let’s start:

Ta-Tynisa Wilson: She looks fabulous. Like she should be on top of a princess birthday cake. But it’s Rhianna’s Only Girl in the World, which isn’t really designed to show off your “singing” voice, and she isn’t singing it well. She is shrill and off key and out of tune and reeks of desperation. But she is gorgeous. Paula would tell her she is gorgeous. Once again, Randy is dead on in his criticism, and once again, my world is upside down. And Steven and JLo aren’t even adding up to an Ellen at this point. JLo just said out loud that it isn’t about being able to sing (which she should know). I hate when they accidentally show us the man behind the curtain.

Naima Adedapo: Summertime! Noooo! Do not choose Fantasia’s breakthrough moment, you dopes. I am a fan of this girl, I have been since we first saw her, but come on! You make me hate you when you take on Fantasia’s Summertime. Well. Hmmm. She is singing it upbeat. She owns that stage. She is hitting every note and singing it with feeling. Hey! I like it! Nice tatt. Nice performance! And yes, Randy is back to being an idiot! Sort of.

Kendra Chantelle: Well, she can sing but the outfit makes her the Season 10 Haley Scarnato. She chooses an Xtina song, does OK, but makes me feel nothing.

Rachel Zevita: Cape. Hair. Microphone shenanigans. None of that can cover up a mediocre performance. Plus, I had to Google before I was able to figure out this was that great Fiona Apple song. I love that song! But not like this. Rachel, that was awful. And awkward. It was so bad that even Steven and JLo had to say negative things. “Broadway!” ouch!

Karen Rodriguez: Mariah Carey. In Spanish! Awesome! JLo did that once. How’d that work out for you, Jenny? She looks very pageant-y, she sings very pageant-y and she makes me feel nothing. Would I buy this? No. Would I change the station on the car radio? Yes.

Lauren Turner: Etta James! Seven Day Fool. Who is this girl? I love this. She’s not anorexic. She’s got this earthy voice and a slightly dirty air about her. I don’t remember her even from last week. What did I say last week? (I said, and I quote, “No idea.”). Love her. New favorite.

Ashton Jones: “Wassup ladies!” Don’t do that. Love All Over Me by Monica. OK, stop talking. I hate that. You are not Chaka Khan. Not yet. She is beautiful. She can sing big. If she is going to win me over I need to get to know her. She called Steven Tyler “baby.” Twice. JLo … might not like this … divaness.

Julie Zorilla: Kelly Clarkson. Sigh. Why, God? Why? I have not understood the judges’ love for this girl, their slobbering compliments, since her arrival. I think this is extremely mediocre, especially if we compare it to the original Idol. JLo’s not loving it (but my goodness Jen’s hair looks magnificent). Wow. Even Steven Tyler is largely negative.

Haley Reinhart: This girl has awesome hair. But I bet when she was little it was the bane of her mom’s existence. All that brushing. Jeepers. Alicia Keys. I’ll pay someone to smother me with a pillow right now. She sings every song like she’s a sex kitten from 1963. Like Hugh Hefner is waiting for her upstairs. Young Hugh. Not creepy old Hugh. I hate this but I bet the judges like it. … Wait! Randy hated it! He is keeping it real. Dude. Steven loved it. Jen loved it. I may be in Inception.

Thia Megia: 15 years old. I have not been a fan. I cannot hear her. I feel like I’m watching BBC (I can never hear them). Irene Cara? What A Feeling? No. Out Here On My Own. When she sings it big, it is beautiful. Great control. She took a completely stupid throwaway song and made it into something. Good for her. She won me over. And I think Ryan may be right. I think she’s 40.

Lauren Alaina: 16 years old. She’s the rocker chick, but she chooses Reba. Hmmm. Girlie Lynrd Skynrd, sort of. Not what I expected. I like it though. Reminds me of Alison Iraheta, whom I loved. Good for her.

Pia Toscano: She gets to close the show. Really? I would’ve thought it would’ve been Julie or Thia based on the hype up till now. She is gorgeous. The Pretenders. Taking on Chrissie Hynde is braver than doing all the Mariah, Xtina, Alicia, Celine crap on the planet. She actually does it. And did I mention she is gorgeous?

American Idol: Top 12 Boys

Top 12 boys. They sing, they get voted out, we go straight to the Top 10, but with some judges wild card picks. Really? Ryan is not explaining things as well as he usually does. I am confused. Don’t we usually spend a month whittling down the 24?

We open with the judges, live for the first time, and we are worried about Steven. Hilarity ensues with Melissa Leo’s new favorite word. On to the performances!

Clint Ju Gamboa, AKA Junebug: Stevie Wonder. Superstitious. I can’t stand this kid. Simon Cowell is rolling in his grave. Screaming does not = singing. Brilliant? No.

Jovany Barreto. Oh yeah, the shipyard. Can’t stand him either. Crappy pop music. Luckily, he does a terrible job singing Edwin McCain’s awesome I’ll Be. Now, done right, this song should make your spine tingle. This version just made my spine go numb. Judges are idiots, except Randy, which upsets me because as we know, Randy is a huge idiot.

Jordan Dorsey. I like this kid. Nice vibe. He looks fabulous, but he starts too low and off key. Then he inexplicably strips. I have no idea what this song is but it is horrendous. What happened to the Jordan we knew and loved? My children tell me this is Usher but it is unrecognizable. Finally, Steven and JLo give some actual criticism. Randy is starting to sound smart. This is terrifying.

Tim Halperin, No idea who he is. Wow me, kid. Oh dear. He is eaten alive by the band, the stage, the background singers, even his blazer. Weak. Plus, this is a Rob Thomas song. Really? This is what it has come to? Judges? Agree? Steven: Dude, you sucked. JLo: Dude … I am damning you with faint praise. Randy: Dawg, you sucked. (Memo to Randy, you have said the exact same thing to every performer.)

Brett Loewenstern: 16. Last one picked. Shouldn’t have been picked. He’s doing The Doors? Oh honey. This isn’t Glee, and you are not Adam Lambert. This is one of the larger train wrecks we have ever seen on the Idol big stage. Ryan, get the cane. Please. If we are lucky, Steven Tyler will scream, fly over the desk and murder him. Nope. Steven loves it. Really? Am I crazy? JLo: More faint praise. Randy: You sang awful but I was amused.

James Durbin: No bandana and he got a haircut. JLo pulls a Paula. Judas Priest – is that a first? It is actually the most interesting and nuanced (hard to believe but I mean that) performance of the night. It’s not bad. But it is so reminiscent of Adam Lambert … it has a been-there-done-that aspect to it that seems unavoidable. Plus dude needs to get rid of the tail. Steven curses … but in a good way. JLo and Randy swoon. But good for him. First good performance of the night.

Robbie Rosen, 16: What? Speak up. I can’t hear you. Plus, it’s In The Arms of the Angels, and he is singing it baaaad. Ouch. I feel sorry for him. The falsetto is terrible. Like, early Tim Urban bad. The rest is so tentatively off key that I want to cry for him. Oh dear. Plus the stylist gave him Sally Field’s hair from Steel Magnolias. Wait. Steven loves it. Really? Am I crazy? JLo loves it. Huh? She says the notes weren’t perfect. Um, yeah. Shouldn’t they be? Shouldn’t they be notes? And again, Randy to the rescue. God, help me! Randy is making sense! What is happening?

Scotty McCreery, 16: Letters from Home by John Michael Montgomery (I Googled it.) Even if you aren’t a fan, he is singing far better than 99 percent of the boys who have come before him on the stage tonight.

Stefano Langone: OK, seriously. I am getting mad. Bruno Mars, done badly. I don’t care of you almost died in a car crash, or had a curved spine, or a drug addiction, or a vegetative grandma. If you can’t sing, get off my show. OK, he got slightly better toward the end, but then crashed and burned with that last falsetto. I’m guessing the judges will swoon. Steven: swoons. JLo: swoons. Randy? Sanity? Nope. Insane. Maybe it’s me.

Paul McDonald: “What’s up TV land?” Did he really just say that? But he is doing Maggie May, in a good way. He is quirky. I don’t love the stage flailing, but I like the voice. Judges? Steven spouts gibberish (omg, he’s Randy), JLo talks about his smile, and Randy says he is more different than Idol has ever seen … puh-leeze.

Jacob Lusk: I am dreading this. I cannot stand the way this guy kills every song, and I don’t mean that in a good way. I mean it in a felony way. Oh, shock! Luther Vandross! OK. He can sing. I admit it. And this was actually controlled for him. So OK. He’s Jennifer Hudson tonight. I give him that.

Casey Abrams: The money spot. He must have scored huge with the focus groups. Screamin’ Jay Hawkins (Google) I Put A Spell On You. Bravo, man. I’m saying it again: He. Will. Win.

American Idol: Our Top 24

Well, that was quite a two weeks in Hollywood.

The group sing week was about as dramatic as a viewer could hope for, and I lost some real favorites, including Rob Bolin (he of Chelsea and Rob, the “exes”), and Emily Anne Reed and that Caleb kid. Ashley Sullivan positioned herself as Most Likely To Actually Commit Suicide On The Idol Stage, and Clint the Junebug became one of America’s Most Hated. Fabulous.

This week we brought the top 50 or so to Vegas, to Cirque de Soleil’s Beatles stage, to sing The Beatles in duets or trios. There’s a Rodney Dangerfield joke in there somewhere. Some of it is great, some of it is hideous, and best of all, we get to see Jimmy Iovine and his entourage, which is everything I had dreamed it could be.

There are more brutal cuts here, and we are down to, well, I’m not sure exactly because no matter what Ryan says it always looks like there are 100 people in the “holding room.” Then everyone gets one more chance to solo for the judges, in an airplane hanger (are we still in Vegas?), and we don’t see much of that, and then it’s cut time to get to 24.

We are back to 12 boys and 12 girls. I hate that.

So Chris Medina takes a fall, and in what might be the most embarassingly self-obsessed moment in history (well, since Marie Antoinette, anyway), JLo turns his rejection into something about her, and sobs so hard her eyelashes might fall off. I need to learn that celebrity tissue-dabbing technique. It really is something.

So Randy and Steven take a few moments to tell her how well she crushed that poor kid’s dream, but she is inconsolable and they need to take a break. Meanwhile, Chris heads back to wherever he’s from to continue singing in crappy bars and taking care of his semi-vegetative fiance. Really, JLo? Really? This is just gross.

But she is able to soldier on, eyelashes intact, and they deliver happy news and sad news and happy news and sad news, spread over two nights and four hours, and I lose some more favorites and disagree with some of these decisions, and in the end, we have this:

Boys

• Clint Ju Gamboa, AKA Junebug, the karoake master who slayed Jaycee on group night.
• Paul McDonald, who I never saw until The Beatles night, who has sort of a Kenny Loggins quirky vibe and an interesting voice. He won’t last.
• Robbie Rosen, 16, he might go far.
• Tim Halperin, no idea.
• Scotty McCreery, 16 with the deep country voice. Buh-bye.
• Jovany Barreto, can’t stand this guy – he is everything I dislike about modern Top 40 music.
• Jordan Dorsey, the really nice piano teacher with the really nice voice and the really nice vibe.
• Stefano Langone, he is just like Jovany.
• Jacob Lusk, oversinger extraordinaire – ugh.
• James Durbin, Lambert 2.0 with great back story (autism, Tourette’s, poor)
• Casey Abrams, my new favorite and the one I shall make my first bold prediction with: he will win.
• Brett Loewenstern: 16. I would not have kept him. I would’ve taken that Colton kid instead. But they wanted to keep the Glee vibe going.

Girls

• Naimi Adedapo, gorgeous, can sing, great backstory.
• Haley Reinhart, over sings – expendable blonde.
• Ashton Jones, gorgeous, can sing.
• Karen Rodriguez, one of many brunettes.
Tatynisa Wilson, eh.
• Julie Zorilla, the very over-rated Colombian.
• Lauren Turner, no idea.
• Rachel Zevita, the girl representative of quirky. We’ll see.
• Kendra Chantelle, expendable blonde.
• Lauren Alaina: 16 (15 when she started), a rocker; might be headed for Dr. Drew early.
• Pia Toscano: she is good friends Karen Rodriguez; beautiful, can sing.
Thia Megia: 15-year-old. I’m not sure why this kid bugs me but she does. I would’ve picked the girl who was turning 25. Far more interesting personality. Plus she has tried out 7 times, if she won, what a story that would be …

So here we go America. Time to start voting next week. Boys are on Tuesday, girls on Wednesday, results on Thursday. So much Idol, so much time.

The Amazing Race: Unfinished Business: Flag on the Play

Here's the thing about second chances: They often come with lots of conditions. Like ... I"ll take you back, but ... Or, here's your license, but ... Or, We'll give you the money to rebuild the house, but ...

Which is why all the crap that Phil tacked onto the start of this season of Amazing Race last night was so awesome. Because those 11 returning teams - folks who had blown a chance to win somehow in a past season - thought they were just going to run another race. But oh no ...

First, who's back (and I disagree with some of these choices and am thrilled by others): Jet and Cord, (the CowBros); Margie and Luke (the Signers); Amanda and Chris (dating); Flight Time and Big Easy (the Globetrotters); Mel and Mike (father and son); Kent and Vyxxsin (Goths); Gary and Mallory (the Kentuckys); Keisha and Jen (the Sistahs); Zev and Justin (BFFs); Ron and Christina (father and daughter); Jaimie and Kara (the PomPoms).

So they are gathered on a wind farm - a cold wind farm based on what everyone looks like - and Phil is all, hey welcome back and by the way ...
1. First team to finish this leg gets the Express Pass, which was introduced last season and which gives the team a bye whenever they want it;
2. Phil has the clues and you have to know that Qantas flies to Australia to get it (anyone who's seen Rain Man knows this, people);
3. Last team to get the clue from Phil gets an automatic U-Turn.

Oh! Those are some fine fine-print conditions.

A shocking number of people don't know that Queensland is in Australia or that Qantas flies there. Eight teams led by Mel and Mike get on the first plane and have a 90-minute lead. Amanda and Chris get the U-Turn, which is what tripped them up the last time they were in the Race.

But then, someone onboard the first flight has a heart attack and the plane is diverted to Hawaii and this is hilarious because some poor schmo is freaking dying on this aircraft and all these 16 people can do is think, "Oh no! We aren't first!" Finally, Big Easy steps up and says the most important thing is the guy isn't dead, but you can tell he doesn't mean it.

So Plane 2 becomes Plane 1, and Amanda and Chris, the Sistahs, and Gary and Mallory are now in the lead. They take a train and then a ferry into downtown Sydney and then they go to an aquarium and into the shark tank to get a compass. This is cool and even though you know that Bertram van Munster wouldn't let anyone actually get eaten, it is terrifying.

From there they must do a word puzzle with nautical flags and sail an awesome boat with awesome Aussie sailors and that looks so fun, one of those beautiful Race moments, and holy smokes, Gary and Mallory are first! But we've been down that road before.

It's not a pit stop, says Phil, wearing Crocodile Dundee's hat and looking cuter than the Aussie lifeguard who is shirtless next to him. Here's your next clue. The CowBros are struggling in last place, inexplicably not finishing the puzzle every single time and ... see you next week!

American Idol: Hurray for Hollywood!

Ryan tells us that we are all on an epic journey, and I believe him because Ryan Seacrest would never overstate anything. Like, when he says that this year's talent pool is the best ever, well, I know they forced him to say that.

There are twice as many kids in Hollywood this year, more than 300, but JLo's skin and Steven Tyler's hair are up to the challenge. In the first round, everyone sings a capella and the judges are supposed to give no feedback, but Steven cannot help himself, and he hoots and hollers and bangs his glass like he's at the best wedding reception ever.

They come out 10 at a time, sing, and then ... sudden death. See? Ryan is just telling it like it is.

Up first is Florida's version of Carrot Top, except I should'nt call him that because Brett Loewenstern has been picked on his whole life. So I apologize. He sings Let It Be and he's good.

Then it's Rachel Zevita, Thia Megia, Casey Abrams (he's the bearded, fuzzy guy) and they are all through. Victoria Huggins, that little perky thing form the South, is out.

Paris Tassin is the one who had the baby, James Durbin is the one with Tourette's, Lauren Alaina is the one who is the girl version of Steven Tyler and Stormi Henley is the Miss USA. The first three are in, Stormi is out. Thank goodness.

Chris Medina is that round faced guy whose girlfriend was in that terrible accident. He is in.

Jacee Badeaux, that chubby 15-year-old from Louisiana, continues to sing like an angel. Robbie Rosen is another one who went through some trauma or another, and Hollie Cavanaugh was the crier. They are in. Steve Beghun, the giant accountant, is out. This is good, since his Idol journey would've undoubtedly been very awkward.

Rob Bolin and Chelsea Oaks, the ex-couple, are both still in and Rob is one of my early favorites. I love this kid's voice and I love his sense of irony. His ex-girlfriend, not so much.

Nick Fink and Jacqueline Dunford are the prom king and queen, except he's out and she's in. He looks like he wants to smother her in her sleep with a pillow.

Scotty "Ears" McCreery remains in with that ridiculous country voice, Jackie Wilson, Jerome Bell, Tiffany Rios (she had the stars on her boobs in NJ); they are all in. Homeless kid Travis Orlando is sent back to skid row.

June Bug is in, Colombian Julie Zarilla, the Gutierrez brothers, that White House intern from Harvard, and EMILY ANNE REED.

Next week, group sing. It's like Christmas!!!

American Idol: Back to the Land of Lambert

So Idol goes back to San Francisco, where they found Adam Lambert, except that was when Kara DioGuardio and Paula were, you know, relevant to the process. The first one now lives in Maine and makes blueberry hotcakes for a living and the second one recently had a season finale of a show that no one noticed.

But no matter. It's season 10, and let's all breath a sigh of relief that Sir Nigel convinced Fox that after this number of years, we the audience simply cannot take two-hour cattle call shows anymore. It's just too much of the same old same old.

But even this hour is almost unbearable. I mean, it opens with a girl who may or may not have farted during her audition, includes a flock of birds crapping all over the contestants, and an insane Ukrainian named Inessa who claimed she was 22 but was quite likely 11. And she had a mail order husband. Or he had a mail order wife. Or they met each other at the shipping dock.

Then we meet Brittany Mazur, from Tucson, and she sings Mercy. Fine. Cara Johnston. Fine. Matthew Nuss, with his bad Keith Urban hair, fine. Stefano Longone, almost died in a car crash, fine. Clint "Junebug" Jun Gamboa, whose day job is working the karaoke machine in a bar - if you can even imagine a job worse than working the counter at a 7-11 that would be it - and he has Mr. Magoo glasses and is fine.

I don't care about any of them.

Then Kenneth Berba is bad, in ears, and Weston Lee Smith is so bad he actually apologizes to the judges, and Drew Beaumier arrives in a homemade Transformer costume. Awesome, but can't sing.

Then there's a batch of good girls, none of whom I even notice, and then Julie Zorilla from Colombia, who is gorgeous. But I don' think she sings as well as they think she sings, and she certainly doesn't sing Summertime as well as Fantasia did. Randy is an idiot.

Dave Combs has long hair and is bad; Rick Deschamp wears a fedora and is bad, David Johnston has long hair and is bad, Sabrina Corbett is dressed like a cop.

And then, like this nutty show does, Emily Anne Reed arrives on the scene and thank you! Thank you Emily Anne! She has this crazy voice, kind of like Norah Jones but not really. She is quirky and awesome and adorable and slovenly enough so that JLo does not feel threatened. LOVE HER!

And then we get Lambert 2.0, in the form of James Durbin, who has Tourette's and Asperger's and a little baby and no job and a father who OD when he was 9. Oh, and he can sing.