American Idol: Top 12 Boys

Top 12 boys. They sing, they get voted out, we go straight to the Top 10, but with some judges wild card picks. Really? Ryan is not explaining things as well as he usually does. I am confused. Don’t we usually spend a month whittling down the 24?

We open with the judges, live for the first time, and we are worried about Steven. Hilarity ensues with Melissa Leo’s new favorite word. On to the performances!

Clint Ju Gamboa, AKA Junebug: Stevie Wonder. Superstitious. I can’t stand this kid. Simon Cowell is rolling in his grave. Screaming does not = singing. Brilliant? No.

Jovany Barreto. Oh yeah, the shipyard. Can’t stand him either. Crappy pop music. Luckily, he does a terrible job singing Edwin McCain’s awesome I’ll Be. Now, done right, this song should make your spine tingle. This version just made my spine go numb. Judges are idiots, except Randy, which upsets me because as we know, Randy is a huge idiot.

Jordan Dorsey. I like this kid. Nice vibe. He looks fabulous, but he starts too low and off key. Then he inexplicably strips. I have no idea what this song is but it is horrendous. What happened to the Jordan we knew and loved? My children tell me this is Usher but it is unrecognizable. Finally, Steven and JLo give some actual criticism. Randy is starting to sound smart. This is terrifying.

Tim Halperin, No idea who he is. Wow me, kid. Oh dear. He is eaten alive by the band, the stage, the background singers, even his blazer. Weak. Plus, this is a Rob Thomas song. Really? This is what it has come to? Judges? Agree? Steven: Dude, you sucked. JLo: Dude … I am damning you with faint praise. Randy: Dawg, you sucked. (Memo to Randy, you have said the exact same thing to every performer.)

Brett Loewenstern: 16. Last one picked. Shouldn’t have been picked. He’s doing The Doors? Oh honey. This isn’t Glee, and you are not Adam Lambert. This is one of the larger train wrecks we have ever seen on the Idol big stage. Ryan, get the cane. Please. If we are lucky, Steven Tyler will scream, fly over the desk and murder him. Nope. Steven loves it. Really? Am I crazy? JLo: More faint praise. Randy: You sang awful but I was amused.

James Durbin: No bandana and he got a haircut. JLo pulls a Paula. Judas Priest – is that a first? It is actually the most interesting and nuanced (hard to believe but I mean that) performance of the night. It’s not bad. But it is so reminiscent of Adam Lambert … it has a been-there-done-that aspect to it that seems unavoidable. Plus dude needs to get rid of the tail. Steven curses … but in a good way. JLo and Randy swoon. But good for him. First good performance of the night.

Robbie Rosen, 16: What? Speak up. I can’t hear you. Plus, it’s In The Arms of the Angels, and he is singing it baaaad. Ouch. I feel sorry for him. The falsetto is terrible. Like, early Tim Urban bad. The rest is so tentatively off key that I want to cry for him. Oh dear. Plus the stylist gave him Sally Field’s hair from Steel Magnolias. Wait. Steven loves it. Really? Am I crazy? JLo loves it. Huh? She says the notes weren’t perfect. Um, yeah. Shouldn’t they be? Shouldn’t they be notes? And again, Randy to the rescue. God, help me! Randy is making sense! What is happening?

Scotty McCreery, 16: Letters from Home by John Michael Montgomery (I Googled it.) Even if you aren’t a fan, he is singing far better than 99 percent of the boys who have come before him on the stage tonight.

Stefano Langone: OK, seriously. I am getting mad. Bruno Mars, done badly. I don’t care of you almost died in a car crash, or had a curved spine, or a drug addiction, or a vegetative grandma. If you can’t sing, get off my show. OK, he got slightly better toward the end, but then crashed and burned with that last falsetto. I’m guessing the judges will swoon. Steven: swoons. JLo: swoons. Randy? Sanity? Nope. Insane. Maybe it’s me.

Paul McDonald: “What’s up TV land?” Did he really just say that? But he is doing Maggie May, in a good way. He is quirky. I don’t love the stage flailing, but I like the voice. Judges? Steven spouts gibberish (omg, he’s Randy), JLo talks about his smile, and Randy says he is more different than Idol has ever seen … puh-leeze.

Jacob Lusk: I am dreading this. I cannot stand the way this guy kills every song, and I don’t mean that in a good way. I mean it in a felony way. Oh, shock! Luther Vandross! OK. He can sing. I admit it. And this was actually controlled for him. So OK. He’s Jennifer Hudson tonight. I give him that.

Casey Abrams: The money spot. He must have scored huge with the focus groups. Screamin’ Jay Hawkins (Google) I Put A Spell On You. Bravo, man. I’m saying it again: He. Will. Win.