American Idol: Top 12 Girls

The question that I need answered is this: What are those feathers on Steven Tyler’s head attached to? Are they braided into his hair? Are they hanging from his ear lobes? Are they stapled to his scalp? This is the question that is keeping me up these nights.

The boys were so horrible in general last night that I am now officially glad we are going straight from 24 to 12, because really, you need to just rip off the Band-Aid. Don’t torture us.

Steven and JLo proved last night that they are suffering from that Season 1 Judge Disease that renders them unable to say anything remotely critical, even when it is obvious to all the rest of us that a performance was horrendous. Cursing doesn’t make you a tough guy, Steven. Telling the truth does. Man up. Let’s start:

Ta-Tynisa Wilson: She looks fabulous. Like she should be on top of a princess birthday cake. But it’s Rhianna’s Only Girl in the World, which isn’t really designed to show off your “singing” voice, and she isn’t singing it well. She is shrill and off key and out of tune and reeks of desperation. But she is gorgeous. Paula would tell her she is gorgeous. Once again, Randy is dead on in his criticism, and once again, my world is upside down. And Steven and JLo aren’t even adding up to an Ellen at this point. JLo just said out loud that it isn’t about being able to sing (which she should know). I hate when they accidentally show us the man behind the curtain.

Naima Adedapo: Summertime! Noooo! Do not choose Fantasia’s breakthrough moment, you dopes. I am a fan of this girl, I have been since we first saw her, but come on! You make me hate you when you take on Fantasia’s Summertime. Well. Hmmm. She is singing it upbeat. She owns that stage. She is hitting every note and singing it with feeling. Hey! I like it! Nice tatt. Nice performance! And yes, Randy is back to being an idiot! Sort of.

Kendra Chantelle: Well, she can sing but the outfit makes her the Season 10 Haley Scarnato. She chooses an Xtina song, does OK, but makes me feel nothing.

Rachel Zevita: Cape. Hair. Microphone shenanigans. None of that can cover up a mediocre performance. Plus, I had to Google before I was able to figure out this was that great Fiona Apple song. I love that song! But not like this. Rachel, that was awful. And awkward. It was so bad that even Steven and JLo had to say negative things. “Broadway!” ouch!

Karen Rodriguez: Mariah Carey. In Spanish! Awesome! JLo did that once. How’d that work out for you, Jenny? She looks very pageant-y, she sings very pageant-y and she makes me feel nothing. Would I buy this? No. Would I change the station on the car radio? Yes.

Lauren Turner: Etta James! Seven Day Fool. Who is this girl? I love this. She’s not anorexic. She’s got this earthy voice and a slightly dirty air about her. I don’t remember her even from last week. What did I say last week? (I said, and I quote, “No idea.”). Love her. New favorite.

Ashton Jones: “Wassup ladies!” Don’t do that. Love All Over Me by Monica. OK, stop talking. I hate that. You are not Chaka Khan. Not yet. She is beautiful. She can sing big. If she is going to win me over I need to get to know her. She called Steven Tyler “baby.” Twice. JLo … might not like this … divaness.

Julie Zorilla: Kelly Clarkson. Sigh. Why, God? Why? I have not understood the judges’ love for this girl, their slobbering compliments, since her arrival. I think this is extremely mediocre, especially if we compare it to the original Idol. JLo’s not loving it (but my goodness Jen’s hair looks magnificent). Wow. Even Steven Tyler is largely negative.

Haley Reinhart: This girl has awesome hair. But I bet when she was little it was the bane of her mom’s existence. All that brushing. Jeepers. Alicia Keys. I’ll pay someone to smother me with a pillow right now. She sings every song like she’s a sex kitten from 1963. Like Hugh Hefner is waiting for her upstairs. Young Hugh. Not creepy old Hugh. I hate this but I bet the judges like it. … Wait! Randy hated it! He is keeping it real. Dude. Steven loved it. Jen loved it. I may be in Inception.

Thia Megia: 15 years old. I have not been a fan. I cannot hear her. I feel like I’m watching BBC (I can never hear them). Irene Cara? What A Feeling? No. Out Here On My Own. When she sings it big, it is beautiful. Great control. She took a completely stupid throwaway song and made it into something. Good for her. She won me over. And I think Ryan may be right. I think she’s 40.

Lauren Alaina: 16 years old. She’s the rocker chick, but she chooses Reba. Hmmm. Girlie Lynrd Skynrd, sort of. Not what I expected. I like it though. Reminds me of Alison Iraheta, whom I loved. Good for her.

Pia Toscano: She gets to close the show. Really? I would’ve thought it would’ve been Julie or Thia based on the hype up till now. She is gorgeous. The Pretenders. Taking on Chrissie Hynde is braver than doing all the Mariah, Xtina, Alicia, Celine crap on the planet. She actually does it. And did I mention she is gorgeous?