You just never know what's going to happen on Dancing with the Stars. Jerry Springer becomes an American folk hero. Drew Lachey grows taller. Niecy Nash becomes my favorite strong black woman. It's like you mix the celebrities and the pros and the bad wedding singers and the cheesy band and the lunatic judges and the Bedazzler and the spray tans and the bemused bemusement of Tom Bergeron and bam! Next thing you know, I'm in love with Kyle Massey.
Oh not in that way, you sillies. The chubby star of various Disney channel tween shows isn't my type. I think I may actually be old enough to be his grandma. Or his great aunt. But the way he and Lacey Schwimmer (blonde!) clicked, the way they hit that dance floor and set it on fire, the way they ate those judges and that cha cha for lunch; now that I loved. Kyle and Lacey are my new Louis and Niecy. I can only hope that at some point, they share deep dark secrets with each other, hold each other and cry.
But I'm getting ahead of myself with last night's premiere of season 18,687 of Dancing with the Stars. Because Kyle and Lacey were third. First we had to sit through Audrina Partridge and Kurt Warner.
Audrina, teamed with Tony Dovolani. She's from one of those really fake MTV reality shows in California, which means she is taller and thinner that Snookie, but not much else. The Invisible British Announcer Guy pronounces her name like the way the GPS talks when your kids make you set it on British for a while and everyone laughs. When she and Tony start dancing, she looks and acts just like a blow up doll. Which is good for Tony because his last partner, Kate Gosselin, looked and acted like a cardboard cutout. Judges go 6-7-6.
Kurt Warner, a quarterback, is teamed with super icky Anna. They will do the Viennese waltz. He is wearing a brown suit, and of one thing is true it's this: Nothing good every happens to you in a brown suit. Len is correct. The judges go 7-5-7.
Then come Kyle and Lacey and they are cha chaing to that awesome song First Kiss and I am not even going to be petty and point out that Anya and Kent did exactly the same thing on So You Think You Can Dance this summer. Nope. Not going to mention that. Carrie and I are both in love. It is fabulous. Judges go 8-7-8.
Rick Fox and Cheryl Burke do the Viennese waltz and Len says it was so good that he did not even notice that Rick Fox is tall. Like, Lurch tall. Well, I sure as hell noticed. Dude is tall. And has a giant cranium and whatever. Judges 8-7-7.
Margaret Cho has my beloved Louis van Amstel and they will waltz. And of course Dr. Louis van Amstel is in the house and Margaret begins confessing all kinds of issues to him. They go for funny in the dance but Margaret isn't that kind of comedian, she's not like Niecy was last season and she can't pull it off and the judges call them on it They will be out. I love you Louis. 5-5-5
Brandy the former pop singer has Maks and they waltz and even Maks' butt in those pants is not enough to keep me from forwarding through this. Brandy will be this season's Pussycat Doll, and you know how that made me feel. "Very little" dance experience. Shut up girl. 7-8-8
Poor Bristol Palin has Mark Ballas as a part, which is good because that guy works hard. He also doesn't know he's on TV when he tells her to go "balls out." Apparently the editors didn't know they were on TV either, since they left it in. Or maybe it means something else. Anyway, Bristol and Mark dance to Mama Told Me Not To Come, which they should've saved for Levi does this show in 2020 and Carrie's right, Bristol has great legs but I actually feel sorry for her. Something's got to pay the rent, though, right? 6-6-6
Florence Henderson will perk me right up though, and doesn't she look terrific with her spindly little legs and her big wide eyes. She is like the grandma at the wedding reception who had two too many and is making all the cute cousins dance with her. She and Corky Ballas do the cha cha and the judges give them 6-6-6.
Michael Bolton has the magnificent Chelsie Hightower for his partner and during their waltz he actually brings Kate Gosselin to mind again. She looked relaxed compared to him. He is horrendous. 6-5-5.
The Situation has Karina and I'm guessing that even in the only five days they had to rehearse that he at least tried to hit that. He looks hilarious in his black socks, black shoes and shorts and Len puts him in his place but good. The Situation has a sense of humor at least. 5-5-5
Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough crassly recreate some of Dirty Dancing's magic, and Jennifer feels cheap enough about it at one point to actually cry. I'm not sure why they kept showing Jamie Lee Curtis during and after the performance - other than the two possibly sharing some Activa, I don't think they are connected - but the judges fall for it and give their waltz 8-8-8. I actually would've liked this performance if they had not trampled all over Patrick Swayze's memory to score points.
And the Hoff and Kym Johnson do the cha cha and all I can think is ew. Gross. Ick. Blech. Yak. 5-5-5. That is just wrong.
But Margaret Cho will go home, which makes me sad because I love Louis. But she does not have the fan base within this show's demographics to survive that score. What did you think?
No comments:
Post a Comment