So we are Hoff-less to open Dancing with the Stars last night, and we are apparently still shocked by it, and will remain so throughout the evening. Brooke Burke will anyway. She always makes me wonder if double-sided tape hurts like a Band-Aid when it comes off.
It's Jive and Quick Step night, two physically demanding and tricky dances that always flummox the celebs. It's only week 2, for heaven's sake. How about a nice rumba instead?
But nope, here's Rick "Lurch" Fox and Cheryl and they are jiving their brains out and it is actually quite good. He creeps me out with his tallness and that deep voice, but I liked it. Judges: 7, 7, 7.
Then it's Mrs. Brady and Corky Ballas and don't you picture Corky thinking he's Mike Brady? That guy makes the craziest faces. Florence is mad that she's 76 and wants everyone to stop talking about it but Carrie Ann is all, Oh, I don't think so you old bat. Her legs are killer for 76 (sorry Flo) and she messes up the quick step a little in the middle and may need CPR backstage, and I think Cindy Brady is in the audience and there's Niecy Nash! and the judges go 7, 6, 6.
Brandy and Maks are doing the jive and we have to sit through the fake tension that the producers insist on creating with all Maks' partners and then they dance in these fabulous outfits (Maks' pants are perhaps the greatest pants in the history of the show) and I enjoy it but the judges go 7, 7, 7. Really?
Chelsie and Michael Bolton have the jive and he is wearing a surgical mask at rehearsal because he is sick and very crabby. He cannot believe he scored so low last week because he is MICHAEL BOLTON. Dude, you are lucky the Hoff was so bad or you'd be home right now. So they are not having fun in rehearsal, mostly because Mr. Bolton is an ass. But then ...
He really does crawl out of a dog house on stage to open the dance and I can't decide which is worse: him doing that or the jacket he is wearing. Poor Chelsie. First Jake and now this. It really was horrendous. The judges go 4, 5, 3 (Bruno!!!) Ouch. I'm guessing Michael Bolton is firing his agent today.
Audrina and Tony do the quick step and Tony is wearing a duct tape suit. The judges go 8, 8, 7.
Jennifer Grey and Derek have the jive and last week she rubbed our face in our beloved Patrick Swayze's death and tonight ... she had CANCER. Last year during her pre-DWTS check up they found a tumor on her spine and she had surgery and plates and there are scars. COME ON. The jive is actually good, and the judges go 8, 8, 8.
We hear words of wisdom from Sarah Palin on the sidelines.
Margaret Cho and Dr. Louis van Amstel are next and they are all serious this week and not trying to mock the process anymore with their jive and Louis works his magic and helps Margaret to have a tearful epiphany. And Niecy is in the audience going, Oh yes, sister, let it happen, it feels gooood when you let it all out to Louis, and somewhere on a treadmill somewhere Kelly Osbourne is saying the same thing. They get 6s.
Kyle Massey and Lacey have a quickstep which is good - not as good as last week's cha cha - and the judges go: 8, 7, 7
Anna and Kurt do the jive and tonight he is wearing brown pants and I see nothing that the judges see. 7, 7, 7.
Karina and The Situation have a quick step and in perhaps the greatest television humiliation since the Nixon-Kennedy debate, Carrie Ann tells poor Sit that he is pigeon-toed. Which we already knew, Carrie Ann. Did you have to say it out loud? The judges go 6, 6, 6.
Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas close the show and they lose valuable rehearsal time flying to Alaska to sightsee and the visit the Mom. No sight of Dad anywhere. She is described as a teen activist, which I guess is either funny or sad, depending on your point of view. For their quick step they get 7, 8 (Len!), 7. She is growing on me, this girl. She seems genuine.
Who's going home? Michael Bolton of course. Woof.
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