American Idol: Oh, Stefano

We open the show with the judges and Ry letting us know that we can take a break from our reality TV to help out the real world – donate to the Red Cross Japan relief efforts by downloading tonight’s performances and text your donations tomorrow during the results show. So it’s like Idol Gives Back Lite. If they did that every week, by the time the new Idol is crowned all the world’s ills would be cured.

Jen’s hair is like mad crazy tonight, like a Bride of Frankenstein Down Do. If I were Steven Tyler, I would not be able to keep my hands off it.

Yes! Songs from the year they were born! My favorite Idol theme week!

Naima, 1984
What’s Love Got To Do With It, Tina Turner.
OK, so now we know – she can’t move and sing at the same time. Stand still and get on key, girl. I am rapidly losing patience with this girl, who is even more rapidly going from interesting and cool to mediocre. And this arrangement is painful. Judges? Steven, whut? Jen, ouch! “Consistently pitchy.” OUCH! Randy: “A mess.” OW! Two of three judges come out punching!

Paul McDonald, 1984
I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues, Elton John
His parents are amazingly normal.
STOP TALKING TO US. Oo, dear. That was a squeak. He sounds like one of the Chipmunks. Dude needs some Vicks VapoRub and chamomile tea. Judges? Jen: I love you so much that I am not going to say that you sounded like crap. Randy: Name drops and babbles. Steven: “Cool dude in a loose mood.” You know what? I like that.

Thia, 1995
Colors of the Wind, Vanessa Williams
Her mom is sweet and can sing! Yes! A Disney movie song! So early in the competition. I have great hopes for this season. So far this kid has been bizarrely emotionless but in her interview package she shows a little hint of personality. She looks stunning and sings perfectly but … there’s nothing there. Empty. Judges? Randy: Ballad = boring. Dude, I agree. Steven: Do you like that song? Jen: (Seriously, how long does that hair take?) Vibrato! Not just that, but vibrato that she does not want to think about! Ouch, squared.

Kate Hudson!

James Durbin, 1989
I’ll Be There For You, Bon Jovi
They’ve formed a band, an AI band! James, Casey, Paul and Stefano. So they’ve left out Jacob and Scotty. Yeah, no cliques here. Jimmy Iovine’s best advice yet: wash your hands.
OK, this is my all time favorite Bon Jovi song. I actually cry when Ritchie and Jon sing it to each other in the most fabulous heterosexual way you’ve ever seen live on stage. This is a train wreck. The arrangement is awful. The back up singers are worse. And he is terrible. Terrible. Judges? Steven: Don’t get too poppy. (And I’ll sing with you in the finale.) Jen: I be acting a fool. Randy: Pitchy. True dat. Made it his own. Hmm.

Haley Reinhart, 1990
I’m Your Baby Tonight, Whitney Houston
Oh my God, her mom had the greatest 1990s hair EVER.
She’s singing Whitney, the week after doing Leanne Rimes. Hell to the no, I say. The sex kitten is in uber-heat. She looks gorgeous but I cannot stand this act. At this point it’s like watching Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks. Judges? Jen: Lots of “baby” tonight. Oh no! The Paula Abdul Memorial You Look Beautiful Backhanded Compliment. Randy is interrupted by Ryan wiping all the excess lipstick off her mug, and then says Who are you (and rightfully so)? Steven: Go back to what your good at. LOL.

Stefano Langone, 1989
If You Don’t Know Me By Now, Simply Red
Born with Tony Bennett’s hair. Cool.
So my least-favorite boy is the first one I like tonight? Oh, Idol, you and your cruel games. Cheesy, yes, but excellent cheese. Plus he’s wearing an awesome jacket. LOL, Jen be acting the fool again. Where’s Mark Anthony? Judges? Randy: Name drops. Best! Yes! Randy and I have lost our minds together! Steven: Great. Jen: She would totally Mrs. Robinson him.

Pia Toscano, 1988
Where Do Broken Hearts Go, Whitney Houston
This is an inordinate amount of Whitney tonight. Dated clothes. Dated performance. Hmm. Kind of Thia-level boring. Judges? They will praise her, I can tell by the way they are swaying in their seats. Let’s see. Steven: Praise. Jen: Up tempo! Randy: In it to win it, yo.

Scotty McCreery, 1993
Can I Trust You With My Heart, Travis Tritt
Elvis fetish as a boy. And now he’s gone and given Randy a chance to mention that he has produced Travis Tritt. Oh Randy. You are no Jimmy Iovine. He does what he does quite well. Bring on Disco Week. Judges? Jen: Good. Randy: Name drops. Shocker! Steven: Good.

Karen Rodriguez, 1989
Love Will Lead You Back, Taylor Dane
Oh dear. What is that outfit? What is that hair? She looks like Beyonce in Austin Powers. I cannot get past this look. Except to note that she is nothing great. Judges? Randy: Better but … Steven: Blip. Jen: If you can’t sing, don’t try.

Casey Abrams, 1991
Smells Like Teen Spirit, Nirvana
Take risks? Those plaid shorts in Jimmy’s living room are pretty risky. If this works I will be so happy. Hmmm. Less Kurt Cobain and more late-in-life Jim Morrison, but OK. I’m going with it. Judges? Steven: You’re ME! Jen: I did not get that. Randy: Props to me, name drops, and then … love you!

Lauren Alaina, 1994
I’m The Only One, Melissa Etheridge
She’s so ill she’s wearing a mask. I wish she had chosen Come To My Window. It’s a better Idol song. I love Jimmy Iovine and his string of meaningless clichés. He’s like the Ronald Reagan of the music world. Oh dear. Lauren, you might meet the bottom three tomorrow night, hon. Judges? Jen: Whut? Randy: Whut??? Steven: Whut?????

Jacob Lusk, 1987
Alone, Heart
His mom is a scream. Did he say, “Lusky stank?” And we have Alone: The Broadway Musical As Performed By Meatloaf. Nope, wait, we’re OK. We are in the meat of it and … oh, back to Broadway. I swear he just turned into Jennifer Hudson for a second there. Judges? Randy: Caressed? Ew. Steven: Mmm hmmm. Jen: Still, the hair, 2 hours later.