American Idol: Top 13

Top 13. Pick a song by their personal idol. Jimmy Iovine and his posse will mold them. Work with them. Make them snort water out of their noses.

Lauren Alaina. Shania. Any Man of Mine.
She is wearing 2 different outfits. I hate this song. Not sure why this girl is remaking herself from rocker chick to Carrie Underwood but it ain’t working for me. Judges? Steven: not thrilled. He’s right, though. It was … lackadaisical. Jen? Really? She’s not loving it either. Oh my. Randy? He unfortunately mentions Shania cheating ex-husband and criticizes Lauren.

Casey Abrams. Joe Cocker. Get By With A Little Help From My Friends.
Sitting on the Adam Lambert Memorial Staircase. I love this kid. Oh, and the ALM Choir as well! Nice! Best of the night, I’m saying it right now. Judges? Jen: (God that hair.) Randy? Gfhroghtkdhf. Steven? Unicorns, princesses and butterflies.

Ashthon Jones. Diana Ross. When You Tell Me That You Love Me.
Oh dear. It might have gone well in the studio, but it is not starting out so well here. And here is where it matters. Jimmy brought Barry Gordy, and … I hope he isn’t crying. Meh. Judges? Randy and Steven agree but I have no idea what they actually think. Jen? She thought it was obscure and shaky. I think.

Paul McDonald. Ryan Adams. Come Pick Me Up.
Don Was!!!! (Did he just call him a big baller? Whut?) How great that Mr. Quirky picks Ryan With An “R”, not Idol favorite Bryan With A “B”. Dude, stop talking to the crowd. Oh. That’s awful. Why is he whispering? What is he, Joey Heatherton? Who was that annoying girl from a few years ago who always danced like she had to go potty? He reminds me of her. I hated her. I don’t love this, and I am rapidly losing whatever it was I liked about him. Judges? Steven: That sucked. Jen: It was so boring I started watching the audience. Randy: Gfjfkgothfnk name drop name drop name drop. (And Ryan is funny. For real.)

Pia Toscano. Surprise! Celine Dion. All By Myself.
Blech, squared. This makes me think more of the Eric Carmen version from my adolescence than the Celine dreck. Oops. Spoke too soon. There’s that Celine-like yelp/howl. Pia is beautiful, though. Can’t wait till the week when she will sing Somewhere Over The Rainbow. Judges? Jen: Speechless. Randy: Season 10! Yes! I’m still here! Suck that Simon! Oh wait, sorry. Steven: Happy International Women’s Day?

James Durbin. Paul McCartney. Maybe I’m Amazed
Love this song, love this choice. Somehow he has Scotty McCreery’s ears. And no tail! He is making me wish that Adam had sung this during his season. But he’s doing a good job. Not a lot of lyrics here, but he’s milking it. More controlled than I expected. I like it. Judges? Randy: name drops. Loves it. Steven: Loves it. Jen: Loves it.

Haley Reinhart. Leann Rimes. Blue
Her producers are the Tabitha and Napoleon of song. Cool. Please no sex kitten. Please. Steven is thinking dirty thoughts. She looks great and she sings it great. This is the first time I have liked her. Judges? Steven: loves. Jen? Loves. Randy: boring (I agree with Randy on that. It did seem like it lasted forever.)

Jacob Lusk. R. Kelly. I Believe I Can Fly.
Oversinging. Overdoing. Not good. Choir. Good heavens. This is like a scene from a Christopher Guest movie. Judges? Never mind. They are wrong.

Thia Megia. Michael Jackson. Smile.
Charlie Chapman. LOL. This girl is 2 years older than my daughter. She boggles my mind. It sounds good but its kind of boring along the lines of Whatshername’s Blue a little bit ago. Slow. Judges? Randy: Name drops. Didn’t love it. Steven: Didn’t love it either. Doesn’t name drop. Jen: Didn’t love the second half either.

Stefano Langone. Stevie Wonder. Lately.
Did he just say “anging”? Peaked last week. Nuff said.

Karen Rodriguez. Selena.
I have no idea what the name of this song is. I do wish I had a Selena Barbie though. Awesome Cher-like outfit. The low notes are too low for her … this girl is just OK, not great. Pia would floss her teeth with her. Judges? Nah. Let’s move on.

Scotty McCreery. Garth Brooks. The River
Don Was again! Name dropping! Oh my God, Scotty was cute as a toddler. This is not my taste but he does a fine job with it. Judges? Love it.

Naima. Rhianna. Umbrella.
The producer is named Tricky! And he produced it! But she’s going to make it her own! This outfit is a hot mess but in sort of a good way. I don’t think she is singing as well as she usually does – and I am a fan of this girl – I think she sounds like she’s trying to be Rhianna. And this Rasta thing happens and then … I don’t know what. Thunder? Not good. Judges? Steven: Pitchy but whatever. Jen: Pitchy but so what? Randy: Pitchy matters.

Who will go home? Ashthon? Naima? America didn’t put them in the top 13 last week – the judges did. I don’t think they won any friends with this.