American Idol: Hold Me Closer, Tiny Dancer

So last week was crazy. Like nuts. Like March Madness but with no balls. Like, I have never seen anything like that before, never mind on Idol, in like, life. Casey was out. He was done. He was toast. And then he started to sing for his life but Randy stopped him and Steven saved him and the judges used the save in the third week. There were 11 left. They used the save on Casey Abrams, who until last week was my boy, but two bad performances in a row and I had already broken up with him and was starting to make eyes at Stefano. Plus I read on the Internet that Courtney Love was singlehandedly responsible for that ouster, she was so mad about Casey’s version of Smells Like Teen Spirit. Like she and Frances Bean texted 30 million times for everyone else and that’s why Casey was going to be out.

Except they used the save, man. They used the save. And then Casey literally died on the stage, he fell right down and died, and Ryan did CPR but that didn’t work so Ryan reached his hand right into Steven’s chest and pulled out his heart – because it’s true, you know, that Steven is 63 but really he’s a cyborg – and Ryan put Steven’s healthy beating borg heart right into Casey’s chest and saved him. Rammed it right in there like Travolta did to Uma in Pulp Fiction. And he was saved.

So I don’t even know how we come back from all that except that we sing Elton John. And do a slo-mo montage of all that last week stuff – and I think America started a fourth war or something in between then and now, right? I don’t know, there’s been a lot going on – and talk about hope being renewed and No. More. Second. Chances. Whew.

Ryan is all calm and acting like nothing weird happened last week, that he didn’t do open heart surgery on stage – and they could show it because they had all that extra time because Casey never sang. In fact, Ryan goes straight for the negative and says two will go home Thursday. Save a life, kill a buzz, Ry.

Jimmy Iovine is so the Yoda of this show. What he says seems obvious and yet … deep.

First up is Scotty McCreery. He is going to sing Country Comfort because it has the word country in it and he does not want us to forget that he is a country singer. He sings this like he sings every other song, including a gratuitous shout out to his own granny in the audience and some down-home guitar playin’. I wish my pal Rick Koster was watching this. Yee-haw. The judges swoon.

Jennifer’s hair is the most magnificent it has been so far.

Naima is going to sing I’m Still Standing and will raggae-i-fy it. She says she chose it because she is still in the competition. Hilariously, Jimmy advises her to not make the song about her, but rather about the world. You know, like, Japan and stuff. Deep, I’m telling you. So it’s OK. I don’t love the arrangement. She is on key, though, and she has a decent fake Jamaican accent and she looks fantastic. Judges? Jennifer hated it but is nice. Randy also hated it. Steven is Steven.

Paul McDonald will sing Rocket Man. Jimmy says he’s going to have dig deep and step up and some other cliches. “How ya’ll doin’ this evening?” That’s actually starting to grow on me. He sounds awesome. He looks ridiculous. He reminds me of Kris Kristofferson circa A Star Is Born, kind of that exhausted John Norman vibe. FABulous. Judges?

Pia will sing … Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me. I think she should’ve gone with Crocodile Rock – remember when John Stevens did that oh those many years ago? Those were some good times. But Jimmy says Randy is an ass, so it must be true. Let’s listen. I do love this song. I sing it great in my car. She gets, not a choir exactly, but more like a platoon of backup singers. I actually don’t think this is as good as she usually is. Plus her eyes are closed a lot. I thought that was against the rules this year.

Stefano will calm his bowels from last week’s close shave and sing TINY DANCER!!! Yes!!!! I love this song so much. It is the perfect combination of cheese and emotion. He is doing a good job, and keeping his eyes open. He is cute. Nice touch at the end with Jenny from the Block.

Lauren Alaina will sing Candle in the Wind, except the Marilyn version, not the Diana version. She is lovely and controlled and has a real Carrie Underwood thing going on. Awesome. Spectacular. Bite that, haters.

James is up and I am letting the 10-year-old stay up because he is a fan. There better be some screaming, or this boy will be disappointed. Yes! Saturday Night’s All Right (For Fightin’)! Take that Pia! Hmmm. He sounds good, but with all the moving around here, it seems not as energetic as it should be. And then the piano explodes, and he hits that Lambertian note, and it’s all good. The 10-year-old is mightily pleased.

Thia Megia. Empty, emotionless, plastic Thia will sing Daniel. Jimmy basically says as much. She’s a Stepford Idol. Anything? Nope. Nothing. Boring, in fact.

Next up, Casey! With his borg heart and his bleeding ulcer and his shaking hands. Jimmy needs to turn into Loretta from Moonstruck, cook him a rare steak and slap his face. Hard. And Jimmy kind of does just that. I am growing fond of old Yoda. He will sing Your Song, and he has shaved. Well, not really. Combed the food out though. This is Casey’s apology America, and it’s a sweetly sincere one. Apology 2011 (Ruben Studdard reference.)

Jacob is next (and the show has been great but it is starting to feel like we’ve been here for about 2 days) … Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word. The Mary J. Blige version. Jimmy is worried about overdramatization. The smoke on stage will make sure that doesn’t happen. Plus, Jacob is starting off kind of like RuPaul playing Nathan Lane in A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Elton John Show in Key West. Overdramatization? Nah.

Haley Reinhart is closing the show? Really? How short is the skirt? Bennie and Jets. Betty Boop and the Jets, maybe. Starts out like the Fabulous Baker Boys. Jeepers. Turns into the moves of Edie Brickell and the guttural sounds of Phoebe Buffay when she had a cold. I don’t like this girl. The judges disagree.

Overall, I would say this night redeemed itself from last week’s debacle. Bottom? My bottom is Naima and Thia. I have no idea who America will put there.